Warm up the #8 Car

Three times in two weeks.

No, I know what you are thinking and I am not referring to the number of times my boss has had to sit me down to tell me I'm on thin ice because my personal hygiene is less than stellar and that I'm dead weight to the company. This is referring to the number of times that Jason Campbell has blown it for the Redskins when they were driving for the game winning score in their past two games with crushing interceptions. It really is sad because as well as he has played this season his choking is giving his reputation a bigger black eye than the star of a Lifetime original movie. Jason Campbell is quickly earning the moniker of a "choke artist." People will quickly come to his defense and plead that he is still very young and still developing, pointing out that he has made some pretty incredible throws this season and will get through these growing pains. However, I'm not buying this shit. You know who wouldn't be making these types of rookie mistakes? Thats right, Mark fucking Brunell, thats who. Not only is Brunell a proven Pro Bowl quarterback, hes also a record setter. People forget that shit, but he had the record for consecutive completions for like 4 weeks last year until David Carr broke it. I don't think I need to remind you that David Carr was selected with the first overall pick in the 2002 draft so you know just how prestigious of a record it is.

Why else should Brunell be starting? Oh I don't know maybe a little something called "chemistry" with the wide receivers. Brunell and newfound stud Keenan McCardell hooked up for years in Jacksonville even going 14-2 back in 1999, and I dont think I have to remind people about how dirty Brunell and Santana Moss used to get back in the glory days here in Washington when we beat the shit out of everyone and their fucking mothers en route to losing in the second round of the playoffs to the Seahawks. Another great thing about Mark Brunell is the fact that players can actually understand him in the huddle. Apparently Jason Campbell has such a Southern drawl that players on his own team don't even know what fucking play to run. Might as well have Air Bud: Golden Receiver out there running the plays because I bet he even speaks clearer English than Campbell! And don't even think of changing the language in the huddle to Ebonics, because that would mean Chris Cooley wouldn't know what play was being run and that would just be shitty.

So, what has Jason Campbell really accomplished? He has zero pro bowl appearances. He has never set any amazing records for consecutive pass completions. He has never led the Redskins to the playoffs. He has never thrown two bomb touchdown passes to Santana Moss to beat the Cowboys in Dallas on Monday Night football. He probably fights dogs. He probably hates Jesus. He has a pretty sweet mustache, but that doesn't make up for the fact that hes a fucking choke artist. He's up there with some of the greats of all time too. Let's take a look at his competition:

Ray Finkel

Unless you've been locked up in some gun store basement used exclusively as a sex slave like "the gimp" in Pulp Fiction, which, for the record, is also a dead-on description of my childhood, you probably are familiar with Ray Finkel from Ace Ventura. He's the kicker who used to play for the Dolphins and blames Dan Marino for the kick he missed in the Superbowl. The character was based primarily on Scott Norwood who missed a kick for the Bills in the Super Bowl to win the game in the early '90's and also attended JMU, a notorious safety school. Finkel just went apeshit after he choked in the Super Bowl ultimately leading to his institutionalization and his transformation to Lois Einhorn, police detective. The climax of the movie comes when Dan Marino sees that Einhorn still is packing and everyone in the police force starts throwing up because apparently they all fucked her, even that fat fuck Iguado. God I hated Iguado.

Team Iceland in D2: The Mighty Ducks

Are you serious Iceland? How the fuck do you lose this game to the America? First of all, all of your Hitler youth perfect blonde haired blue eyed children are like 6'5'' and 230 pounds while Team America is featuring little fucks like Kenny Wu and converted figure skater. What kind of pansy ass team has a figure skater? Is the talent in America really that fucking awful that you need to have some little Asian bitch prancing around out there? Not to mention Luis Mendoza. Sure hes fucking fast, however he can't stop, how is this possible, isn't that one of the first things you learn to do, and if Team USA knew this was the case, wouldn't they be able to find someone else who can stop? The most unrealistic player on the team is not Luis, Kenny, or even Charlie, who probably only made the team because Bombay knocked up his mom and in exchange for her having an abortion Charlie would get to play on the national team, its Russ Tyler. Thats right, Kenan from Kenan and Kel, some local kid who the team meets in a pick up game of street hockey in...South Central LA!!! Are you fucking serious Disney? If you think kids in South Central are playing fully padded games of street hockey with roller blades you have got another thing coming to you. Anyways, this team of misfits which remarkably resembles the fucking United Nations gets blown out by Iceland in the preliminary game, like 15-0 or some shit. To make matters worse, old playboy Coach Bombay starts fucking the assistant coach for Iceland, who is obviously stealing strategy and game plans along with Bombay's baby batter. So what happens in the final, yeah Iceland blows the fucking lead because Team USA gets new jersies and they automatically become amazing.