Rushing the Beta House

No doubt in this holiday season, you and yours have plopped in front of the television to watch reruns of movies from the early 2000’s on cable television. One such movie that my family recently enjoyed was American Wedding, the third installment of the American Pie series. I had wondered why USA decided that Christmas time would be a good time to play this glorious film, then I realized what was going on. This was another shameless attempt to drum up support for the new straight to video classic “American Pie: Beta House.” I’m so happy they decided to come out with the 6th installment of this great series. I mean, seriously, who else out there was wondering what the whole gang was up to after “Band Camp” and “The Naked Mile.” The great thing about having so many movies is that Eugene Levy will always have a steady job. Honestly, how many jokes can be made about Levy being old, Jewish, and awkward before they run out. And what the hell is he doing at the Beta House in the first place?? Does this not creep anyone else out?? I mean everyone had that old guy who used to hang around their house in college waiting for girls to get too drunk to realize their pubes were grey - at my house for example, that guy was my father. But that’s besides the point, what the hell is Eugene Levy doing at Beta House??? Is he trying to say that he used to be in the Beta House, if so there is no way that I would want to join that fraternity. What is the requirement for joining? Successfully completing a bris?? NO thank you! That is disgusting Levy, go lecture your son about the mistake he made by marrying that sexual deviant band freak.

Anyways, the point is, these sequels are getting out of hand. It was one thing to make American Wedding without Oz, but to keep making the movies with only Jim’s Dad? That is just an insult. Who out there is actually excited about this coming straight to video rather than the theatre? Teenage boys that’s who, you know why? Because they probably show a titty or two and it’s a lot easier to stroke it at home than at the movies. Trust me. If only Titanic had been released straight to video my Aunt and Uncle would probably still talk to me. Oh well, without further ado here are some other sequels which went way too far past their allowance.

Alien vs. Predator

I’m sorry to report that I did not see any of the sequels to these movies and I only watched a little bit of this travesty before I took a dump on the DVD. I mean honestly, when you first saw either the initial Alien or Predator you had to ask yourself, “You know what, here’s a kooky idea, what would happen if Alien fought Predator!?!?!” Of course you were shunned by your friends calling that too amazing to ever come true, but then one day the dream came true, in shitty sequel form. Shockingly, Sigourney Weaver or Arnold Schwarzenegger were not asked to reprise their roles in the new thriller, I guess the producer just thought they were past their primes, which really is a shame. How do you think characters who died in vain in the original feel as their legacy was trampled upon. I feel sorry for Carl Weathers, not only did he get his arm chopped off and killed in Predator, but he had to go down to Drago in Rocky IV only to have Rocky go on to fight that boxer with AIDS in Rocky V. Oh and good news Academy, Alien vs. Predator 2 is coming out soon! Move over Denzel, hello computer animated Alien!!!

Police Academy

I’m not quite sure if all 7 of these movies made it to the theaters, but for the sake of my faith in Americans, I’m going to assume that some of these went straight to video. Seriously, who would ever go to see Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow??? What were writers thinking? The cold war was over, but even if it wasn’t did they think that Americans would take pride in the fact that Steve Guttenberg was coming over to Russia to hit on women with his buddy who can make siren noises?? Sick trick Jonesy, but here’s an idea, how about using an actual siren or doing some actual police work instead of making pointless noises. Speaking of the Police Academy misfits, do you think that Tackleberry was really good for the Police force? All he ever wanted to do was shoot guns. How many guys do you think Tackleberry killed every year? I love how every time he fired out of turn everyone was just like “Tackleberry!!” followed by a shrug from Tackleberry and inevitably a slide whistle and laughter for all.

Home Alone

This series takes the same tactic as American Pie, knowing full well that the only people that will be viewing the third installment are ‘tards they replaced all the main characters with new characters hoping no one would be able to tell the difference. Well you know what, I’m not a fucking ‘tard! This series was just ridiculous, do you think that following the first couple Home Alones where Macauly Culkin gets left behind kind were purposely trying to be left behind by their parents just so they could have crazy adventures with robbers just like Kevin McCallister. I would say this definitely happened, only problem is their parents were probably not as awful and neglectful as Kevin’s parents. Why did these parents not go to jail? Instead, Kevin gains parental guidance from some old pedophile who chopped up his family and spreads their ashes on the snow and some homeless hooker bird lady who lives in Central Park. And how about those Wet/Sticky Bandits - these could be some of the dumbest fucking crooks that I have ever seen. The kid is 10, are you really going to be fooled by all his fun and games twice??

Anyways, American Pie is not the only series that is falling to the unfortunate awful sequel series, this needs to stop. Is it possible to have a little creativity in Hollywood or are we just too dumb as an American population that we’re not ready for change. If you have any other sequel series that are tired, put them in the comments.

We going to the Ship

The Prophecy was fulfilled.

You read it here first, the Redskins, 7 point dogs, went into one of the most hostile environments in the NFL and dominated for a good 3 and a half quarters. Sure the Vikings got some trash touchdowns but the final score of 32-21 really didn't tell the story of the game. Before last night's game announcers and columnists everywhere were screaming that no one in their right mind would want to play the Vikings now, who were the hottest team in the NFL having won 5 straight games. You know who didn't care about that shit, thats right Joe Jackson Gibbs and Gregg Motherfucking Williams.

Honestly did anyone really think that the Vikings had a shot when Tarvaris Jackson trotted out onto the field wearing that diamond chain? I mean honestly, what is the explanation for that, we know your flossing man, your the starting quarterback for the Vikings, you don't really need to impress the ladies during the game. What a retard. Another smart move last night was not feeding Adrian Peterson the football. Sure the got stacked up by the Skins D-line, however come on, just a month ago people were already annointing him as the best Running Back of all time and now after a couple tough runs hes already riding the pine? I'd also like to laud the coaching skills of Joe Gibbs when he challenged that the Vikings had 12 men on the field following the fumbled exchange. Not only did that save the game for the Skins and turned the momentum right around, it also probably saved a lot of the fanbase, including myself, from defecting to a team like the Chargers or Titans. Seriously, had the Skins lost that game last night after going up 25-0, I was likely to go on a killing spree in this St. Petersburg Mariott the likes of which haven't been seen this side of Blacksburg.

Anyway, I know I've been a homer for a long time (see Redskins v. Patriots) but seriously, if the Skins take care of business at home next week against the T.O.-less Cowboys who really have nothing to play for and will probably feature backup quarterback Brad Johnson, who was released by the Redskins because they thought he was past his prime back in 2000, then I really think they have to be considered a force to be reckoned with in the playoffs. The fact that they control their own destiny is amazing to me considering I was at the Bills game where we gave it away. Speaking of giving it away, true story, I was on a cruise back when I was 20 and met the great great great grand daughter of Buffalo Bill Cody, she was pretty smoking too, when I ask her age, she told me 18, come to find out from her brother that nope, she was 15. Now honestly, whats the law on that shit, not that anything happend, but first of all we were on a cruise to Alaska so we were in international waters where there are no lawas, and second she straight up lied to me. I mean she was very well developed and it was in my best interest to believe her, but still I don't know the laws. Any future Maritime lawyers out there, I could really use your help for the next time that I'm on a cruise and some girl 10 years younger than me starts putting the moves on. But, I digress. What I really wanted to point out is that there is no reason for concern from any team in the playoffs right now, and that the Redskins should be a force to be reckoned with during this run. Let's take a look at the teams already in:

#5 seed: New York Football Giants

Is there anyone out there thinking that the Giants are going to do any damage whatsoever in the playoffs? Is it time for New York to start looking towards a different quarterback of the future, after all Eli did have 2 picks and 5 fumbles yesterday, 2 of which were lost. Their leading receiver, Plaxico Burress doesn't even practice, and Brandon Jacobs, their leading rusher has been out for most of the season. It doesn't matter who this team plays in the first round of the playoffs, they are gonna get smoked. Just a week ago Eli almost broke the record for most incompletions in a game, pretty impressive. Luckily for Eli, fans aren't screaming for him to get benched because their backup QB Jared Lorenzen is only 6'3'' and about 300 lbs. This is a sad franchise and they will be going no where in the playoffs.

#4 seed Tampa Bay Buccaneers

I was pretty pissed off head coach Jon Gruden decided to throw in the towel yesterday at halftime when he benched most of his starters against the dreadful 49ers. Having already clinched the division, Gruden sees just how awful the Giants are and would prefer to play them in the first round. Pretty solid game plan to back your way into the playoffs by losing your last two games knowing your team isn't solid enough to beat the 6 seed. What do the Bucs have going for them? Jeff Garcia is married to a Playboy playmate. What they don't have going for them, the playmate is a beard because Garcia is really a flamer. Anyway, its unlikely that the Skins would face either the Bucs or the Giants in the playoffs, however if they were to play them I would feel incredibly optimistic about their chances.

#3 seed Seattle Seahawks

This is the only team that actually scares me, only because the Skins went up to Seattle a couple years ago in the playoffs and lost to the Hawks. Its really hard to win in Seattle, where they have retired the #12 representing the 12th man. Real great tradition they have up in Seattle where their best player is their fans. Nearly as sad as the only banners hanging from the Verizon Center rafters being the 2001-2004, 2006 WNBA Attendance championships. I just can’t believe how screwed we got in 2005, I was sure we had the 5-peat in us. Nevertheless, Seattle is not a championship contender, they have only one victory against a team with a winning record, and their MVP Shaun Alexander is all banged up. They are not the dominant team that barely beat the Redskins in the playoffs two years ago that the Skins should have won had Carlos Rogers known how to catch a ball. I don’t see any reason why the Skins should have no problem rolling through the Northwest.

#2 seed Green Bay Packers

Remember back to early October when the Skins rolled into Green Bay, took the lead at the half and made Brett Favre look just awful. The turning point of the season happened when Santana Moss fumbled the reverse and Charles Woodson ran it back for a touchdown, which was the only one they got and the only one they would need. The Skins dominated every facet of the game and should have won going away had they been able to hold onto the ball. Well guess what, they now have a quarterback who can hold onto it. The only way the Skins are going to go to Green Bay would be in the NFC Championship game, at which point I think they would go in extremely confident seeing as how they will have beaten the #1 seed.

#1. Dallas Cowboys

Would it get any better than this matchup, which would be the rubber game of the season series? Sure the Boys will likely be 13-3 going into the playoffs, however they have been slumping here towards the end of the season. They will have lost 2 out of their last 3 games of the season, one of which being to the Skins and they are banged up too. Romo’s thumb is hurt, probably from fisting Jessica Simpson, and T.O.’s ankle is sprained. Perhaps the last team they want coming into Dallas Stadium is the Redskins riding high on a 5 game winning streak. Had Todd Collins been the quarterback of the Skins in their first matchup they would have won. He wouldn’t have thrown the costly interceptions which Jason Campbell threw. Again, Todd Collins hasn’t thrown an INT in 10 years! Tony Homo threw 6 in one game against the Bills. Everyone’s hopping on the Tony Romo bandwagon, but people forget, theres a reason he rode the pine for 5 years behind guys like Quincy Carter, Clint Stoerner, Vinny Testaverde, Ryan Leaf, and Drew Bledsoe - because he is not that good. He’s the flavor of the week. I have to hand it to him, he realizes who he is and how this is his 15 minutes, so he’s trying to do what any warm blooded American man would do…bang as many celebrities as possible. He’s already crossed Sophia Bush, Carrie Underwood, probably Britney and Jessica Simpson, who’s left on that lift? He’ll probably go for Jamie-Lynn Spears now that he knows she’s easy, and hes gotta capitalize on this Hannah Montana craze by banging her too. Maybe he could get her Dad, Billy Ray Cyrus, to modify his hit song and serenade them with “Achy Breaky Hymen” as Romo deflowers her. Romo disgusts me.

So, obviously there are no real challenges to the Redskins Super Bowl run in the NFC, as for the AFC that’s a different story. However, if you give Joe Gibbs 2 weeks to prepare for any team you are in for trouble. Honestly, the Redskins are playing so well right now I wouldn’t be surprised if the commisioner decided that the entire Redskins roster would represent the NFC in the Pro Bowl. But seriously, if you play for the Redskins and are reading this, DO NOT look ahead to the Pro Bowl, secure the Super Bowl first then we’ll worry about Hawaii.

Tarvaris vs. Todd

As I sat on my luxourious living room coach last night and watched the Vikings and the Bears duke it out in one of the shittiest games I have ever seen, I thought about the impending matchup the same Vikings would be having with my beloved Redskins would be having. This game on Sunday, which has already been recognized by NBC as the premiere matchup of the week, will pit two of the hottest teams in the league against each other. Honestly, after the past two weeks there is no team in the NFL that wants to seen the Redskins in the playoffs, especially the Patriots. The rest of the NFL has feared this for quite some time, and now the time has come. Thats right, I'm talking about Todd-time! Todd Collins and Todd Yoder have been resting up on the benches of about 7 different NFL teams the past 10 years, lurking and waiting for the perfect time to emerge as arguably the greatest QB to receiver tandem in the history of the NFL. The Giants knew this during Sunday nights game, thats why they intentionally tried to injure Yoder. Unbeknownst to them, Yoder is indestructible and therefore he will play this week.

Also formidible is the Vikings tandem of Tarvaris Jackson to Viscanthe Shancoe. This game is just going to be ridiculous! Who has the edge in this game? As the foremost authority on the subject I think that it will come down to the quarterback play. Jackson and Collins both know they will be suiting up on the same team come Pro Bowl time, however, this week they are mortal enemies. As an impartial columnist, I'll take a look at how these two QBs stack up against one another, both on the field and off.



Family

Todd Collins: Reputable father, in fact last Friday as his wife went into labor Collins put family first by leaving the team on Daniel Snyder's private jet to go up to Boston to be with his ailing wife as she delivered their child. No one would have blamed him, including his wife, had he decided to stay with the team, for it was his first start in 10 years, something he has been looking forward to for a long time, however Collins put family first and was still able to successfully lead the Redskins to victory in New York, a place they have only won twice this century. His heroics and family values are bar-none the best in the NFL, and quite possibly the country

Tarvaris Jackson: I don't really have the facts in front of me, but if I were a gambling man I would say he definitely has at least 3 kids out of wedlock by different women. He probably doesn't even know their names or give any child support even though he can afford it. He is such an awful father! I bet the women he probably knocked up have to go to shelters because they can't afford to support his children on their own. Seriously Tarvaris, get a grip on reality, just because you pull out doesn't mean you're not gonna get the girl you met at the club that night pregnant!




Edge: Collins


Intelligence


Todd Collins: Collins grew up in Walpole, Massachussettes rubbing shoulders with Ivy Leaguers, had he not been so gifted at Football, basketball and baseball, he probably would have gone to Harvard and been at the top of his class. We might even be referring to Todd as Senator Collins if he hadn't had such a passion and dedication to the gridiron and had it not been his destiny to lead the Washington Redskins to Super Bowl victory. As far as on the field intelligence, Collins hasn't thrown an interception in 10 years! That must be some sort of a record!



Tarvaris Jackson: He is just dumb as shit! According to his wikipedia page his score on the Wonderlic test (a test given to prospective NFL players at the NFL predraft scouting combine) was an 'X'!!! Can you believe that shit!?! He probably got every question wrong. Do you think his answers were so bad that the judges just had some fun with him and said, "The survey says..." and then some big fucking red 'X' came out of nowhere to let him know he was dumb as shit?? I think this definitely happend. Also, hes so dumb that he doesn't even pronounce his name right. He pronounces it Ta-varis, not the proper English pronunciation of Tar-varis. What a retard.


Edge: Collins


Collegiate Team


Todd Collins: Part of the long line in a tradition of excellence at quarterback at the University of Michigan, Todd Collins led the Big Blue to glory in his time as a starting quarterback there. One of his greatest victories came as Michigan knocked off perrenial powerhouse Notre Dame on a last second field goal. Many circles consider Collins to be the best Michigan quarterback of the past 20 years, ahead of Tom Brady, and I can't say I blame them. He was really breathtaking in that Maize and Blue.



Tarvaris Jackson: Well, Jackson started out at Arkansas, but then realized he sucked too much and lost his job to a white guy that now plays wide receiver for the Jags (Matt Jones.) So the loser that he is, he decided he would go beat up on some teams in D1-AA at Alabama State. Only problem was he was awful as a quarterback. His senior season they lost to Tuskeegee!! Can you believe that?!?! Isn't that the school where they poison the Black students, killing some of them for experimentation? And Jackson couldn't beat them?? Are you kidding me????

Edge: Collins

There you have it in an overwhelming 3-0 decision for Todd Collins. A couple weeks ago, I urged Joe to warm up the #8 car, looks like I was close, thank god we have that #15 car purring now!
Prediction for the rest of the season: We going to the Ship!!!!!

Jesse Kotsapolis: Anatomy of a Loser

Its a crime. Its a damn shame. It fucking sucks.

Just three of the thoughts running through every reader's mind everytime they read a new posting on Ned's Younger Brother. I really can't believe it and it really shouldn't be tolerated. Why have I not addressed one of the greatest sitcoms of our time: Full House. Well I will tell you why, because Full House deserves more than some shitty blurb about how DJ's boyfriend Steve was a homo, but that shit would be too easy. Characters like these in the clusterfuck of a house deserve special attention. And perhaps the most deserving of attention is the one, the only, the Jesse Katsopolis. Uncle Jesse as he is best known to the public was notorious for having gay producers who obviously wanted to bang him - why else would the canned "screaming girls" button be pushed everytime he entered the room. Any way, Uncle Jesse was always portrayed as the really cool uncle who lived by no ones rules by his own. Motherfucker even owned a motorcycle at one point, can you believe that shit?? You probably though he was fucking awesome when you were younger too, didn't you? Tell the truth, after your first kiss you yelled "HAVE MERCY" did you....flamer. Anyways, the truth is that Uncle Jesse was not that cool, in fact he was a fucking loser. Before you fucking Jesse and the Rippers fans start going ape shit, wait until you've read the top 5 reasons why Uncle Jesse is a loser.

5. The Jesse Mullet

Remember that shit from the early years? When Uncle Jesse first moved into the house with Danny and the girls after Danny's wife, Jesse's sister, died. Uncle Jesse came in sporting a leather jacket and a nice mullet. There was business in the front, but there was a full on party in the back. And don't tell me that just because Uncle Joey had one too that its no big deal, because it is. Just because he eventually got a haircut then its ok, its not! Once a mulletman, always a fucking mulletman in my book.

4. Jesse is a quitter

What a fucking loser, this guy quit everything. Remember the episode where he quit riding his motorcycle. That guy from high school challegend him to jump from building to building on his bike and that little bitch wouldn't do it. That shit would have impressed a lot of bitches man! I can't believe he passed on that. One time in I had a similar opportunity to impress some chicks when I was wasted. You see, these bushes had been talking shit and I thought I would shut them up by diving on top of them. Did I grab the opportunity or did I slink away like a fucking coward just like Uncle Pussy? You better believe I jumped in those fucking bushes. A couple ripped pieces of clothing and a little blood later, I had impressed the shit out of those girls. Jesse also gave up on his dream to be a major rock star in order to settle down and provide for his family. What a fucking loser, instead of turning groupie bitches out and getting wasted all night he would rather write jingles with that faggot Dave Coulier and get turned down by Becky in Danny's attic because shes on the rag....what a joke that quitter's life became.

3. Jesse's kids are faggots

Little Alex and Nikki, what flamers, I mean seriously they live in a house with Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen and yet they are more intent on watching cartoons than running game?? What losers, I mean seriously, yeah so what they are cousins, but who gives a fuck, I was told by a very reliable source that inter-cousin breeding doesn't do any real damages, so seriously what are they waiting for?? And remember how fucking annoying they were, like the episode where they wouldn't play with any of the other kids in their play group? I think that they were gay for each other, seriously. I guess thats what happens when you sleep in the same room that your parents bang in.

2. Jesse "the provider" lived with his wife and kids in the Tanner house

What a wild fucking life this guy led, helping to raise a tub-O (DJ) an annoying Ug-Mo (Stephanie) and a coke-ho anhorexic in training (Michelle) not to metion Kimmy Gibler coming by. Speaking of Kimmy, what are the odds she is just a freak right now. You know she likes it in the butt - anyways, I digress. Wouldn't you think that Uncle Jesse would want to move out of the house to his own home once he got married? Nope instead he decided it would be much easier and cheaper to just live in the attic. I feel bad for the girls who had to hear the headboard thumping when Jesse and Becky were going at it in their infamous marathon seshes. This has got to be a major contributing factor to why The Olsen twins turned to crack and older men with one nut.

1. Jesse and the Ripper's "hit" was crap

Yeah Jesse and the Rippers made it on the MTV, whoop de fucking do, fucking Deion Sanders had a rap song on MTV one time too, who gives a fuck. Jesse probably sucked the producers off to get on too. Anyways, they finally made it with some slow song called "Forever" which just fucking blew. I mean seriously, I think "Ass and Titties" by the Three-6 Mafia lyricist has more talent that this ass clown check out these lyrics:

If every word I said

Could make you laugh

I'd talk forever

I asked the sky just what we had

It showed forever(together my love)

If the song I sing to you

Could fill your heart with joy

I'd sing forever(together my love)

Forever, forever

I've been so happy loving you

Thats pretty much the whole song, pretty fucking amazing isn't it? If thats all that it takes to make it big in the business than why aren't there more 7th grade poetry contest winners sippin' on Cristal in the club right now. Seriously, that shit is sad, I bet you are one of those people who loved that shit, fuck you are probably looking it up on iTunes right now, fucking loser.

Top 5 Cheaters of all time

After nearly two years of investigation, George Mitchell is going to deliver his findings in his investigation concerning the use of performance enhancing drugs at a press conference tommorow, Thursday December 13th. This proves to be a pivotal moment not only for those involved in the investigation but for the sport of baseball as a whole. First off, I find it incredibly unbelievable that a member of the board of the Boston Red Sox can complete an objective investigation, take for example the leaking of the Indian's Paul Byrd as a member of the list back during the ALCS when the Indians were playing, surprise surpise, the Red Sox. Also, I would be shocked to see a member of the Red Sox on the report outside of former Red Sox who were in no way involved in the '04 or '07 World Series runs (Nomar will probably be on the list.) Others likely to be named include Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens, and the big daddy of them all Barry Bonds. Many baseball purists hate Bonds with a passion, they have rushed to judgment and demand that an asterisk be beside Bonds's name in the record book for both his 73 home run season and for his all time home run total. Marc Ecko, famous for his comfortable and roomy *ecko ultd. men's wear bought the all time record breaking home run ball and allowed the fans to determine whether he would put an asterisk on it forever. They agreed that Bonds was a cheater and now an asterisk is engraved in it, while it awaits placement into Cooperstown at the Baseball Hall of Fame. All this talk of cheating got me to thinking, have there been any other members of society that have cheated at their profession? Sounds like another Top 5 list to me! So here they are, the top 5 cheaters in the history of time:


#5 Danny Almonte


You guys remember this little bitch right? He was the kid from Brooklyn who was that stud pitcher in the Little League World Series back in 2001. In an effort to weed out the kids with pubes, the Little League placed an age limit of 12 on players involved in the games. As it turned out Almonte was 14, apparently his parents couldn't count, which is surprising because you would have figured they would have mastered this skill after years of selling burritos and mowing lawns. You're probably sitting there in the bathroom stall at work after printing this out thinking, 14 is no big difference from age 12. Well thats where you are wrong, faggot! Shit changes. Fuck- when I was 12 the only hair I had was coming out of my head, by 14 I had sprouts everywhere, including a fucking sick looking mustache that my Aunt Michelle called her "pussy tickler" whatever that shit means. Irregardless, this shit was wrong, that little fucker needed and his team full of kids who couldn't even speak English all got what they deserved, disqualification and a one way ticket back to Mexico.


#4 St. Francis Academy Sister Act II


Come on, don't pretend like you don't remember this movie, you know you watched this shit and even have done the rap that "Sketch" and Frank-K aka Frank-wigger do during the final performance at the State competition, you know what I'm talking about "You down with G-O-D? Yeah you know me!" Anyway, this shit is a classic, from Lauryn Hill to "Oh Happy Day" sung by that Muslim kid, this movie had everything. You know what else it had? Thats right, cheaters. While all the other schools at the other competitions were taught by Nuns and gay choir directors, the St. Francis kids were directed by "Sister" Mary Clarence who in actuality is Vegas showgirl. This is unfair and bullshit, however I also find it hard to believe that she was a showgirl in Vegas, honestly who would ever go to see her strip in Vegas? She fucking sucks and shes busted. Anyways, the class would have been nothing without her whorish teaching and that is why they are #4 on this list.

#3 Lattimer: The Program


If you haven't seen this movie, stop what you are doing right now and go see it. You think I'm fucking around, I'm not, leave work right now and go rent this shit. This movie has it all, however the most important character in the movie is a man known simply as "Lattimer." This guy is the ultimate competitor, in the offseason alone he put on 30 pounds of muscle to earn "a place at the table" on the Wolves defense. Unfortunately, as a blogger, I must do the duty of reporting both sides of the story. It appears, from the scenes where Lattimer injects himself with a substance to the scene where he rams his head through a plate glass window to the one where he nearly rapes a girl 1/10th of his size to the most telling scene where he has some hippie inject his bladder with "clean" urine that Lattimer may be using steroids. I don't want to rush to judgement because to be honest, Lattimer is the man, bottom line. However, in this case I think we can safely say that he did cheat to gain an edge.


#2 Biff: Back to the Future II


I remember growing up watching the trilogy and just hating Biff, whether he was Griff, Buford or good old Biff, the Tannens were just the definition of assholes. Whats worse they all knew Marty McFly's weakness, being called "chicken." Biff is known as the second worst cheater of all time because of his acquisition of the 2000 Sports Almanac back in 1955 from his future self. After he go this he was able to win every single bet he ever made, which would of course cause Vegas no reason to investigate. Instead it allowed Biff to do what any man would do with such great luck: buy a casino, murder his high school crush's husband, marry her, buy her a set of new tit-tays, and then try to kill her son Marty.

#1 Nicole Brown Simpson



Why did you do it Nicole? You guys had such a great life together, he gave you everything you ever wanted! You had two kids, an amazing house, your husband was the Juice! And you had to go and throw everything you had away! With what, some busboy?? Are you kidding me?? You were Mrs. Juice but that wasn't good enough for you was it? It's been proven beyond a reasonable doubt that OJ Simpson did not kill Nicole, however to be honest, I would have understood if he had. Honestly, marriage is a sacred thing that should last a lifetime. Nicole cheated on OJ and cheated on the holy sacrament of marriage. I'm not gonna sit here and declare that she got what she deserved but come on.....



Who do you think I missed? Leave comments as to who are other notorious cheaters.

Only you can prevent Tim Tebow from winning the Heisman Trophy

It’s that time of year, and no I’m not talking about the time of year where you get wasted at your company’s Christmas party, do the Cha-Cha and then accidentally pee your pants. Granted that is already an inevitability for some, especially some prominent bloggers, but the real symbolic thing about this time of year is the annual awarding of the Heisman trophy to the nation’s top College Football player. Every year we go into this thing not having a doubt in the world at who the pick would be for the award and this year looks to be no different. Tim Tebow has broken countless records in only his Sophomore season and looks to be running away with it. But people forget that the true meaning of the Heisman trophy is to honor the greatest player in college football, not some ass clown butt pirate who can throw faggy jump passes for 2 yard scores and run quarter back sneaks for half his touchdowns. Just 3 weeks ago, there was another runaway favorite for the Heisman by the name of Dennis Dixon. I’ve had many a man crushes in my days, Cal Ripken Jr., Vince Vaughn, Johann Van der Sloot to name a few, however they all periled in comparison to what Dennis did for me this season. This guy was the most incredible player I’ve seen in a long time and he was the most valuable player for his team. Everyone had Oregon “going to the ship” aka what Blacks call the National Championship game, however the minute he went out with his injury they couldn’t move the ball at all and lost the rest of their games. The following list is a plea to the Heisman voters out there not to vote for Tim Tebow and his “system quarterback” stats, but rather recognize Dennis “the Jack-o-Lantern” Dixon for everything he’s done for me. Without further ado heres the top five reason Tim Tebow is a douchebag and does NOT deserve the Heisman:

5. Tim Tebow led Florida to 3 losses.

How many do you think Dixon lost when he was the starter? That’s right, one, and that was because some douchebag running back fumbled the ball at the one yard line against Cal with like 2 minutes left which would have tied the game. You know what would have happened had they tied it up, they would have gone to overtime and Dixon would have fucking dominated. Tebow lost to Auburn at home who lost to Mississippi St., who lost to South Carolina, who lost to Alabama, who lost to Louisiana Monroe. Are you going to sit there and tell me with a straight face that a man who in effect lost to one of the shittiest programs in college football history deserves to win the Heisman? Fuck you and all you stand for.

4. Tim Tebow wears Jorts


Are you fucking kidding me? Who wears fucking Jorts? I’ll tell you who homos! Is this the image you want for your Downtown Athletic Club Heisman voters? You’ve already let one homo into your group when you voted for Ricky Williams back in ’98, are you really prepared to have the alumni gatherings to begin looking like a party at “The Birdcage?” I didn’t think so. Honestly, how do Tebow’s teammates not give him a pounding every time he walks out of his apartment wearing those Jorts. And who is he trying to fool with that tattoo? Is that like some "come hither" signal for guys at a gay bar or something?



3. Tim Tebow was born in the Phillipines

Yeah, you didn’t know this shit did you? You thought Tebow was a pure bred American didn’t you? You were wrong, he’s nothing more than a dirty Oriental. I bet his mom worked in the fucking Rub ‘n Tug and his dad probably whored her out too. Come to think of it I bet Tebow was whored out to rich American businessmen looking for a new thrill when visiting the Phillipines. I just don’t see how you can vote for a guy who was once a child prostitute, but that’s just me. Seriously, there has never been a non American to win the Heisman, and hopefully, there never will be. Do you think his teammates are reading this right now and are about to turn on Tebow now they’ve found out this information just like Brendan Fraser’s teammates did in “School Ties” when they found out he was Jewish? I bet they are working on a banner right now with a banner of the Enola Gay and the words “Go home Chink” to hang above his bed in this dorm room right now.

2. Tim Tebow’s girlfriend is smoking hot, yet he doesn’t fuck her

Take a fucking look at those knockers baby, they are real and they are fantastic! Yeah, I guess if I were some poser American quarterback I could pull tail like that, but don’t worry, just like in “School Ties” once this girl finds out he’s nothing more than a liar she’ll break up with him and he’ll probably spend the next two years at Florida yanking his chain. Some say the reason he doesn’t fuck her is because he’s a hardcore Christian, but I think that whole religious thing is just a rouse to cover up the real problem, which has already been discussed, Tebow’s homoerotic tendencies. But yeah, as we’ve seen from “Brokeback Mountain,” hiding your queer choices doesn’t give you happiness, so Tebow should just come out and say hes getting it from his entire offensive line.

1. Tim Tebow was homeschooled.

What a loser right? Nobody ever liked those kids growing up with their hippie parents who thought it was better to learn shit about holistic medicine rather than evil “science.” Honestly, there was always something a little off with those kids, and now the Downtown athletic Department wants to make him a Heisman Trophy winner? What a disgrace! I mean look at “the Waterboy” he was homeschooled, turned out pretty well for him right? That motherfucker thought his Momma invented electricity and peed his “Deputy Dog” bedsheets, what a fucking retard! I just think it’s a fucking shame that we are about to anoint some retarded Oriental as our next Heisman trophy winner. If we really want to honor a retarded Oriental the line should start behind William Hung. That little retard has got all the guts in the world and I really admire him.

As you can see voters, who undoubtedly did a search for Tim Tebow and were directed to this site, Tebow can NOT be our next Heisman trophy winner. This honor must go to Dennis Dixon. Now, more than ever, we must show solidarity both as Americans and as non-retarded people.

Hello?!?! You play to win the game!!

I'm sure you are sitting there expecting me to write about the travesty that was the Redskins game on Sunday. Make all the fucking jokes you want about our coach not knowing when to call timeouts, we deserve the scrutiny. Honestly, if this shit were to happen on my Little League team, the coach would be asked to step down because he had no idea what the fuck he was doing. But no, we are talking about Saint Joe Gibbs who is impervious to the threat of losing his job, unlike the rest of the working world. If this were any other coach than our Hall of Famer he would be out the door. The evidence keeps piling up against Gibbs. It was a very special thing the Redskins did on Sunday to honor the memory of Sean Taylor by lining up with 10 men on defense to start the game. Word had leaked out about it and I was up in the stands on Sunday counting the players to see if indeed they would play with 10. After the game Joe Gibbs said that he in fact had no idea that they would be doing this to honor their fallen safety. Now how the fuck did I know about this yet the HEAD COACH of the team had no idea? Also, remember when Gibbs first came back and they hired an ex-official to be their replay expert? You'll also remember several failed challenges by Gibbs and the ultimate termination of the replay expert. Turns out, the expert would relay to Gibbs that he should NOT challege the play, yet Gibbs would do it anyway. Pretty super smart guy. It's been said plenty of times and was even chanted towards the end of the game on Sunday by the crowd, "Gibbs Must Go!" Now comes the question of who should replace him? Here's a few coaches from the past who I'd be more confident to have as our head coach:

Richard Williams


Dick-genius as he is affectionately known in most circles raised Venus and Serena on the streets of Compton on tennis courts where bullets would often whizz by them. He had never received a lesson on playing tennis, however his dream was to make at least one of his daughters a tennis star so he trained them to the point where they could compete in tennis tournaments and ultimately were able to make enough money so that Dick-genius never had to work again, which was convenient since he was probably already out of work as it was. If he could turn around two girls destined to be 14 year old hookers working for crack, imagine what he could do with the highest paid team in the NFL.


Bela Karolyi

Remember this guy? This guy refused to lose. The Romanian gymnastics trainer who carried Kerri Strug after he forced her to perform even though she had torn ligaments? This reminds me of the scene in Varsity Blues where the coach is about to give the running back a cortizone shot so that he can play again, even though it appears that his tendons have all been severed. What a gamer that kid was. Anyway, sure Bela was a good coach and would proabably be a better head coach for the Redskins than Gibbs, but you have to seriously ask how the hell do you get into coaching girls gymnastics? It this just something you grow up having a passion for, because if so I am really into 13 year old girls who weigh 75 pounds so I would be perfect for that job. I bet Karolyi beat the girls too if they fucked up. He would probably feel like God when he beat the shit out of those tiny girls. Pretty smart to take medication so that you don't hit puberty, I'm sure that doesn't have any negative effects down the road.


Jeff Gilooly


Not so much a coach, as much as an enforcer, Gilooly was Tonya Harding's boyfriend who set up Nancy Kerrigan's knee to get smashed. This seriously is what the Skins need, someone to go out there and be a head hunter giving out bonuses to players who injure the other team. We could do it like the Viet Cong did too, higher reward for injuring higher ranking players. For instance, if someone took out that faggot Tom Brady, perhaps the reward would be a new set of diamond plated rims. A lesser player like AJ Feeley? Maybe like a deep fryer. Either way, players would have bounties on them, making the game more excited AND more like pro wrestling, which would be win-win. I also think we could all learn a thing or two about class and skillz Gilooly showed by releasing that hot wedding night tape of him and Tonya. I have seen some great things in my life, but that shit was just some sweet sweetness.


Chester Lee in Ladybugs


This guy had what Gibbs does not have, some fucking balls. I mean seriously, these days if you tried to dress your girlfriend's son up in drag and play on a girls soccer team you are likely to end up getting a stiff one from some guy named La'Mercury for the next 5 to 10. Do you think that Chester really wanted to win the games or do you just think he got off seeing Jonathan Brandis wearing a wig and stuffing his bra? But seriously I don't even know why they needed that little queers help anyways, remember how dirty that little Asian girl that loved butterflies was? Was she retarded or what was her deal? Didn't they put butterfly stickers on the ball to get her to chase it onetime? What a fucking freakshow.

Deaf Leopards

Can you feel it? Can you taste the crab cake? Can you hear the bar blaring music at 9 AM already packed with a line? Can you see the guys stumbling down to the beach, already tanked by noon? Are you ready for the Dewey Beach?? "Dewey Beach?" You might say, "Its the fucking dead of winter, why the fuck would I be thinking about hitting up the Starboard?" Thats because we are only six months away from Memorial Day weekend the official start of the summer! If you have never been to Dewey, it really is something that you just have to do before you decide its time to settle down.

"But I'm too old, there is no reason for a 50 year old woman going to a beach bar in the middle of the summer to hang out with a bunch of 20 something guys!"

This is where you are wrong, you see. For this is the place where older women are the kings of the jungle and they roam the various dance floors as drunk recent college grads drink until they are doable. This is the esscence of a Cougar.

What is a cougar you might ask? Well a cougar is a woman aged 40-49 characterized mainly by her lack of wedding ring and fueled by alcohol, their pre-menopausal raging hormones, and the flesh of young men. What the attraction is between these two groups of the population is is unclear to me. Perhaps it is because many of the potential suitors their own age are already married with children or are impotent. Perhaps these women think that now that they have their new fake breasts they are too good for people their own age and would rather use their new found looks as well as their accumlated wealth to have their own personal little cabana boy. Perhaps the cougars are enchanted by the possiblity that the boy they are hitting on is in fact the baby they had back in '85 and that he miraculously survived the dumpster in which he was tossed outside of the homecoming dance and have gone on to live a full and happy life. I'm not a sociologist so I just don't know. What I do know is that Cougars are not a fad. They are not going away and in fact they have been around for quite some time, contrary to popular belief.

Current cougars needn't fear the evil hand of time, you see as cougars age, they become Leopards. Leopards are women aged 50-59 and are characterized primarily by their spots. While veterans at their craft, leopards often find great resistance from their prey. They can not always count on the romance and games of seduction that cougars are often afforded, instead, because of their saggy breasts and face conjures images of a catchers mitt, leopards must often rely on the greatest aphrodisiac that God ever created...alcohol. Now it a drunken haze, last summer I did indeed make out with a 55 year old leopard in the stall of a women's room, however contrary to popular belief, it was not one of my finer moments as an individual. It was one of those moments that if my father had found out he would have just shaken his head and said, "It's not that I'm mad...I'm just disappointed." Those are always the hardest ones to take aren't they? That leopard tricked me into making out with her! How did she do it? Because leopards have been around for a fucking long time and they have passed down their skills from generation to generation with their rich oral tradition. Ever since they were given the right to vote, women have gradually progressed through the years to the point where they are now able to convince me to follow them into the womens room at the Bottle and Cork and make out with the same lips they kiss their grand kids with. This trend of cougars/leopards is nothing new thats for sure. Just take a look at these flesh hungry menopausal beast from yesteryear.

Mrs. Roper "Three's Company"

I'm not sure what the craze was with sex craved senior citizens back during the days where Three's Company was popular, but Mrs. Roper definitely fit the mold. I don't ever remember her being in any position other than lying on the bed begging Stanley to come to bed, meanwhile he would be sitting at the window checking out girls on the beach with his binoculars....hmmm reminds me of someone I know. This show was great though, I don't know how the writers kept coming up with scenarios where Jack would have a date he would have to hide from Mr. Furly and at the same time hide Janet and Chrissy from the date so she wouldn't get jealous, all the while trying to bang the date without getting Mrs. Roper's leopard claws stuck into him while she tried to convert him from being gay (which was stupid because everyone knows to do that you have to go to Christian conversion camp.) Needless to say, this was a highly sexualized show and Mrs. Roper exemplified all of this. I wonder if Mrs. Roper and Larry ever got it on after a long night of drinking at the Regal Beagle. I could definitely see Mr. Roper slipping Larry some sort of GHB just so he would get his wife off his dong piece. Mrs. Roper really must have felt pretty pathetic knowing her husband would rather beat off while checking girls out through the blinds than bang her, but to be brutally honest, who wouldn't?

Blanche Devereaux "Golden Girls"

To be honest, Blanche was just more of a slut than anything else, it really seemed like the only thing she ever talked about was banging other dudes. I mean I guess if you had to choose which one of the Golden Girls you would probably pick Blance seeing as how the other choices were Betty White, Bea Arthur and Bea's mother who must have been like 110 (how do you expect to get any lubrication??) I think Betty White might have been a bit of a freak, however she was pretty prude. There was that episode where she got felt up by her dentist while she was under and she was upset about that, which I don't really understand. Don't girls like to get felt up? And wasn't that her doctor, making it OK? I always thought the rule of thumb was the only people allowed to touch your privates were doctors and your strange out of work Uncles. Anyway Blanche was a whore and whether she banged guys in their 20's or not the point is she was loose as a goose and hopefully that slut got what she deserved...a terminal venereal illness.

Mona "Who's the Boss"

Saving the old red headed slut for last. It's really unfathomable to think that such a whore of an old lady can produce such an uptight bitch like Angela. Honestly, couldn't you see Angela and Mona on one of those shows like "Maury" or "Jenny Jones" with the title like "My mother is out of control!" I could see Mona coming out in like some mini skirt and a tube top all liqoured up hitting on the other guests on the show and talking about how shes so "happy with her body" and wants everyone to "love her sexy body too" followed by cat calls and "questions" from the audience such as "You are an embarassment. You need to set an example for your grandson!!" Speaking of her grandson, what a fag right? I mean come on, you are living with Alyssa Milano for your childhood and teen years and you try nothing? Are you fucking kidding me you fairy? I can't believe Tony didn't try to toughen that flamer up. I can't even remember what happend in this show, did Angela and Tony end up together? If so I can't wait for the reunion show where it comes out that Mona and Tony were rubbing fuzzies for a 5 year stretch.

I know what you are saying to yourself right now..."I can't believe this cougar craze is just now getting popular when they were under my nose the entire time!" Well next time you settle in for a hot cup of cider and a long night of Nick at Nite remember that these women are not only sluts....they are also pioneers.

Why do brothers have to be killing brothers?

Sean Taylor has died.

I couldn't believe it. I went to bed Monday night with the thought that #21 would pull through this latest setback and come back if not for this year's Superbowl, then definitely for the first game of next year's title defense. When I woke up the next morning I did what I do every morning, go to ESPN.com and see if anyone had died over night. Sure enough, there was the headline. I was shocked, pissed off and I wanted answers. It's really strange how the death of one of your favorite players hits you. I had never met this guy, he didn't really stand out in the media, hes more famous for his run ins with the law and his thug-like demeanor than he is for his work with the community. As much as a tragedy that this is, there are soldiers his age or younger dying in Iraq daily as well as other murders in the streets every day. Yet, as sad as it might be, I really felt like I lost a family member when he died. I even know someone, we'll just call him Dave K., who stated "I'm more upset than if the person murdered had been half of my friends or family," which if you think about it is probably true. I mean, come on half your family is probably a douche bag anyway and I'm pretty sure they aren't a Pro Bowl safety for the Redskins. Irregardless, there are questions that need to be answered in the aftermath of this tragedy.

Who did this?

Honestly, this is not a matter for the police. If anyone knows who did this and how to take care of the situation, it would be Sean Taylor's boys. Seriously, is this situation not exactly like the plot line of Boyz 'n the Hood where Taylor is Ricky, the stud running back who is headed to USC. In the movie, in case you are scared watching Black drama will give you nappy hair, Ice Cube's character "Dough Boy" pisses off some thugs by pointing a gun at them during a scuffle, much like Sean Taylor did when those bitches stole his ATVs. So what happens? Those thugs have to come back and exact revenge by killing Dough boy's brother Ricky, who like Sean Taylor had a girlfriend and out of wedlock daughter who watch him and his amazing potential bleed to death. So after Ricky passes, what do his boys do? They go out and fucking look for the killer. We also see this thug attitude in the extremely emotional episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air where Will gets shot and Carlton decides the has to be a thug and go and kill that fucker who done that to Will. The episode ends with a scene where I fucking dare you to watch without getting choked up where Will pleads with Carlton to give him the gun which he finally does once he remembers he's wearing a fucking bowtie.

Now is this revenge going on right now? I should hope so, because from what it looks like there is no way the cops are going to figure it out. They are still calling this a random robbery, which Antrel Rolle of the Cardinals and a former teammate of Taylor at the U says is total bullshit. He says there is no way this shit was random and that Taylor had a lot of enemies on the streets of Miami. People are sleeping on the girlfriend too. Apparently, she was not harmed AND could not see the killer because she was "under the sheets with the baby." Please, that trick only works when you hide in girls beds who are too drunk and have to pass out. I hope Taylors boys know who did this and they get some justice on that fucker. For the sake of the killer, he better hope they find him because lets just say theres a certain blogger by the name of Ned's Younger Brother heading down to Tampa around Christmas time to do a little water tubing and perhaps some golf, but if I have to take care of bidness, you better fucking believe I will take care of bidness.

Where can we as Redskins fans go to find solace in this time of despair?

The same place my parents told me to look for all my questions growing up. Whether the question was "Why do I keep getting boners during church" to "Why does mommy have a black eye again?" the answer was always, "it's all in the sitcoms." For a look into how to properly deal with the death of a prominent character much like Sean Taylor was for Redskins, you needn't look any further than how the heroic cast of 8 Simple Rules was able to go on when the lead character John Ritter died back in '03. Seriously, talk about bravery, this entire show was based on Ritter's character, yet instead of just calling it a series and hanging it up the fucking money leeching producers decided people wouldn't realize anything was wrong if they just wrote the Dad off and plugged in David Spade as the "wacky cousin" who moves in much like Cody from Boy Meets World.

Will the Redskins be able to recover from this tragedy?

I think without a doubt the Skins will come together over this awful situation. The emotion that comes with the game of football is unparalleled in any sport with perhaps the exception of Poker because there really is no emotional rush as there is when you get a pure hand like KK. Anyways, if the Skins can use the emotion to string a couple games together to make a run for Sean in the god awful NFC and make the playoffs. If they make the playoffs, they immediately become the Saints of last year where they become every one's new favorite team and no one wants to play them. They have already proven that they can win at Green Bay and at Dallas, since they should have won both of those games, so who's to be feared?

If you don't believe me, lets look at an example from the Major Motion Picture Industry. I'm talking about a team that loses it's best player to murder just weeks before their Super Bowl type event. Obviously, the team is down and feels like mailing it in or perhaps quitting altogether. However, they quickly realize that their fallen teammate would not want this to happen, and instead they band together with their newly added teammate to go on and lead the team and their country to victory. Surely, by this point, everyone has figured out that I am referring to the award winning film Beerfest where Landfill dies due to being drown in a giant vat of beer only to be replaced by his identical cousin also named Landfill. I guarantee you that Sean Taylor has a cousin out there, who to most whites probably is identical. The only question that remains is whether he can learn Gregg Williams' defense in time for Sunday's game.

In all seriousness, Sean Taylor will truly be missed. It sounds as though he was turning his life around and my heart does go out to his family and especially his daughter. I'm still in shock at his death and he truly will never be replaced. He was a one of a kind athlete and it really is a tragedy that he went before his time.