Ultimate TGIF Badasses

So I'm flipping through the channels this weekend and I come across an old episode of "Family Matters" on TBS. This episode looked like it came from one of the first seasons because Urkel was still Urkel and not that faggot Stephone Urquell. I think that show officially jumped the shark when Urkel created that transporter thing in his basement which would transform nerdy people into cool ones, really great message to kids, if you're not happy with who you are, people will probably like you a lot better if you can somehow make yourelf better looking and cooler.

This episode was a touching one where Urkel and the gang go to a rooftop party and some badass kid whose name escapes me along with his sidekick Waldo Retardo Faldo, who many forget was a bad kid before he started hanging out with Eddie, decide to spike the punch. This episode is also famous because it featured "The Urkel Dance." For some reason at a random point in the episode music starts playing and Urkel starts singing lines such as, "If you want to do the Steve Urkel dance, all you have to do is hitch up your pants!" For some unexplained reason (probably the booze) everyone starts doing the dance and singing even though everyone, including his parents, hates Urkel. Anyway, the badass kid doesn't like all the attention Urkel is getting so he intentionally spikes Steve's drink to the point where Urkel gets fucking wasted. Urkel does what any drunk would do at a rooftop party, he dances over the ledge and eventually has to be rescued. Carl Winslow eventually takes care of business, the badass gets in trouble, and someone makes some shitty joke about how Urkel is going to have a hangover. Anyways, I remember watching this when I was young nearly in tears as I thought the badass was going to kill Urkel, however looking back now I realize that there were a lot of pretty hard characters in the TGIF/TNBC lineups, lets take a look at a few of them:

JT Lambert: Step by Step

In a show which was supposed to be a dysfunctional Brady Bunch, JT represented the leader of the clan from the other side of the train tracks. He was supposed to be the Greg Brady that you didn't want to bring home to your parents. He lived by no ones rules but his own. He fucking hated his Step sister Dana from the moment they met and called that bitch "Barky." Speaking of which, is it strange that the kids of the newly married parents had never met each other before they started living with each other. Wouldn't that be one of the first things you would do before you got married?

JT's posse included his little brother Brendan, his dyke sister Al, his friend the Hobbit, and his cousin Cody. Pretty tough crew, Cody is actually the only guy who gives him any sort of street cred because hes actually been to jail for spousal abuse in real life. I wonder how many girls the Code-man slayed in that kickass van of his in the back yard. Did he even have a job or anything or was he just some homeless guy whose parents hated him much like Urkel. And where the hell did that Surfer accent come from? They live in fucking Wisconsin! Anyway JT lost all street cred and toughness in the episode where that hot chick who was way out of his league and looked like the Doritos girl wanted to "do it!!" JT was too much of a pussy and almost came to tears telling the girl he wanted to wait. I think this same scenario happened with Cody, who claimed he was a virgin. That was the biggest crock of shit I'd ever heard, Cody was so fucking cool even I'd fuck him.

Shawn Matthews: Boy Meets World

Another character who was from the wrong side of the train tracks and lived by no one's rules but his own, Shawn was in effect an orphan. His father was a trucker who was on the road all the time while his mother was never heard from during the sitcom's run, most likely because she was a hooker. Shawn could be recognized by his long hair parted in a butt cut, yet swayed in front of his eyes so he would have to brush it out. How do I know so much about this? Because as a young pre-teen I wanted the exact same hair! I would purposedly have my hair fall in front of my eyes and quickly brush it away just like Shawn used to do, just because he was a badass. Everything about Shawn was fucking badass, even the actor's name who played him: Rider Strong. Sure it sounds like the name for a gay porn star, but so does Wyatt Earp and we all know that he was fucking hard. Anyway, Shawn had a couple of true badass moments, the first coming when he decides it would be fun to take up drinking, which is fucking awesome. The greatest thing about this is that within 24 hours, Shawn goes from never having tasted a sip of alcohol, to breaking down after being confronted by his friends and the family of his friends (since his family hated him). Another badass moment comes towards the end of the line for the sitcom. When Shawn dates.....the black girl!!! Such scandal, especially in a city like Philadelphia where they idolize the fictional White boxer "Rocky" rather than an actual real boxer Joe Frazier who is Black.

Shawn's posse is definitely more legit than JT's however, that really isn't saying much, especially when his right hand man Cory gets no street cred for dating and ultimately marrying that fat bitch Topanga. She was a fucking psycho too if you remember early episodes of the show. That bitch's mom was into holistic medicine and shit. I bet she was some palm reading hooker and thats how Topanga was conceived. In fact I'd be willing to bet that Shawn and Topanga share the same mother, maybe even the same father. Also in Shawn's posse is Joey Lawrence's little brother who played Shawn's long lost brother, another shocker, Shawn's trucker father impreganated another hooker on the road...word to the wise Shawn, double bag it with that Black girl, sounds like that Matthews sperm is pretty potent.

AC Slater: Saved by the Bell

Perhaps the most notorious TGIF/TNBC badass, Slater made his entrance to Bayside High as the Army brat who had moved all across the country and the world with his Seargent father. He was the tough kid, didnt have any time for friends, what with being the captain of the football and Wrestling team. It wasn't until he met the whole gang at Bayside where we saw a softer side of Slater and he found out what true friendship really meant.

If you were to tune into Saved by the Bell for the first time you would be able to tell Kelly was the cheerleader, Zach was the schemester, Screech was the nerd that all the cool kids let hang out with them so they could cheat off him (much like someone I know named Tony), Jessie was the psychotic feminist doomed to working as a stripper, Lisa was black, and Slater was the badass. How would you know this about Slater? Well first there is the ripped body always shown off by a skinny tank top, not many people can pull this shit off but the great thing about Slater was that if you suggested he didn't look good, he would pound your stupid fucking face! I could just see Slater in a fight just beating the shit out of one of those token nerds with the gigantic horn rimmed glasses always held together at the nose by tape, "Fuck you you fucking nerds! Take this, and that! I'm fucking half-Spanish!!" Also helping Slater's cause was his treatment of women. Now, why he would ever be interested in a high brow self-righteous feminist such as Jessie Spano is beyond me, probably because hes fucking smart and saw she was weak, hence the episode where she was dependent on caffeine pills. Either way, AC Slater gets whipped by no woman and even though that bitch tried to get respect, Slater still oinked at her and called her "hot momma" because the bottom line was, AC could beat the shit out of her and she knew it, so she let him call her those names. Also, AC had a big dong and she liked that shit too...whore. Mario Lopez (AC Slater in real life for those of you that may be retarded) also showed is disrespect for women on his honeymoon with Ali Landry, the smoking hot Doritos girl. Lopez, like Slater proved that some birds aren't meant to be caged when he cheated on his new bride within 48 hours of being married. My guess? Landry was holding out until they got married so Slater went through the formalities of the wedding then laid some pipe, got bored and went out hunting for something new and strange.

Taking away from Slater being a true full fledged badass: The fact that he can dance. Did you see that homo dance in the Swan Lake performance? That was so ridiculous. Then Slater signs up for dancing with the stars, while I wouldn't go as far as to say Mario Lopez is a "star" he still got pretty far in the competition. Another negative is the fact that the band the gang was in was not named after Slater. "Zack Attack" would have been a lot more popular had they been named something like "Slater's Sluts" or "AC's Assholes." People would have been terrified that if they didn't buy their cassettes then Slater would beat the shit out of them. More turmoil for Slater occurred when he got into the fight with Zack over that transfer Tory. First of all Zack was a great friend and Slater's fists are deadly weapons. Why would you ever want to kill your friend, unless of course your name is Javon Walker who probably ordered the hit on Darrent Williams. Second of all, Tory was not that hot and kind of a dyke if you ask me. There were other hotties out there Slater, let Zack deal with the consequences when things get a little uncomfortable in the bedroom and Tory turns out to be a deviant and insists on wearing a strap on. Outside of that, AC Slater was truly a teen badass in every sense of the word.