#5. Vincent Papale
"Immortalized" by the recent movie "Invincible" aka "Rudy goes to the pros" aka "Wayne Chrebet had too many concussions in the NFL therefore was too punch drunk to agree to make a bio-pic," this tells the tale of Vincent Papale a recently divorced bartender who somehow makes it to the NFL and plays for the Eagles. Sure its a nice feel good story for this loser bartender to make the team, however let's step back and look at it from the Eagles' perspective. Was they're team really that shitty that they had to hire some bartender that was so much of a loser that even his own wife didn't want any part of him?? I bet he was an orphan too, his parents probably knew right away that he was a fucking loser and dumped him in foster care. To be honest, I didn't actually see this movie because I refuse to support anything that has to do with the Eagles whatsoever, but I imagine Papale made some big play or something a la Rudy making that sack with his family in the stands after Vince Vaughn threw that sick touchdown pass. But either way, its pretty sad that he makes Philly's top 5 list.
#4 Will Smith
If you are from Philadelphia and you got fucking excited everytime the Fresh Prince theme song came and Will sang "In West Philadelphia born and raised..." then you just need to end yourself, thats it, go ahead, do it, you're life is not worth living. I'll wait for you....ok now that the world is a better place, let's take a look at Philly's #4 best athlete of all time. I'm not going to deny that Will was a tremendous athlete, he was. If you remember back to his days playing on Bel-Air prep's basketball team he fucking dominated. Remember that time that he kissed that busted cheerleader, then went in for the dunk?? Bottom line, that was fucking awesome. I was so pissed at fucking Carlton in that episode. Why the fuck should Will pass the ball to some faggot who wears a bowtie. I never told anyone this, but whenever I watched that show and Jazz would come into the house, I was secretly hoping that he was high on crack and packing heat and that Carlton would look at him the wrong way so he would just pop that sissy. Anyways, the bottom line is that Will Smith was a fucking pussy he bounced out of Philadelphia after one little fight, which was obviously pretty fucking rough. Did you see those gangsters spin Will around their heads??? His stomach could have been seriously upset from that!! His mother was right to worry and ship him across country. I mean Will did deserve that shit though, that was fucked up when the ball rolled over to those thugs and hit their stereo. That shit is expensive/hard to steal!#3. Smarty Jones
In 2004, Smarty Jones burst onto the Thoroughbred scene by winning the Kentucky Derby and The Preakness, however the horse will forever be immortalized by the fact that Jessica Simpson picked it to win in that classic episode of Newlyweds. A horse as a city's top athlete? Yeah it is sad, but this is fucking Philadelphia people, its a pretty sad city. Much like the local sports teams, Smarty Jones got to the pinnacle of triumph, winning the first two legs of the triple crown, however much like Donovan McNabb gagged on his vomit in the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl, so too did Smarty Jones choke at Belmont. These days, Smarty Jones has become a gigilo, roaming pastures, plugging mares. It must be nice to know that your cum is worth millions of dollars, mine is only worth $2.99. I know because you can buy it now on eBay with a valid Pay Pal account.#2. Rocky
Once again another fictional figure takes up a spot in Philadelphia athletic lore. Rocky has become the galvanizing persona in all of Philadelphia sports. Some people have statues of presidents, political leaders or even socially significant athletes like Arthur Ashe in Richmond. What is perhaps the greatest landmark in Philly, equivocated only by the Liberty bell? Thats right, the statue of some 'roided up actor playing an underdog boxer. Honestly, Clubber Lang was much more of a badass with a haircut that inspired a nation (including the lead singer of a certain cover band.) I'm not sure what was really more likely, Rocky actually beating Apollo, Clubber, and Drago, or the Eagles ever winning the Super Bowl. Speaking of the Eagles, do you think Andy Reid supplemented his income by whoring out his kids to the underground black market of heroine dealing? Would this really surprise anyone? Just goes to show once again that you can never trust a man with a mustasche.#1, 1a Andrew Beckett and Miguel Alvarez
Some say the greatest battery in Philadelphia history was Curt Schilling tossing to old Darren Daulton, who is by the way out of his mind these days. However, they would be completely mistaken. You see, Daulton and Schilling, while amazing and all-stars in their own right, were not able switch things up and have Schilling play catcher and Daulton do the pitching unless they planned on getting their shit pushed in by the other team. This is the beauty of Beckett and Alvarez, the stars of Philadelphia and why they are the greatest athletes in Philly history. Alvarez, obviously the "ace" pitcher might put in a good night of pitching, however, if he ever got tired, or just decided he was sick of living and wanted to die from AIDS, he could tap Beckett to do the pitching and he could do the catching. The beauty of this was that it did not matter who was doing the pitching or the catching because ultimately both of their shit was getting pushed in!! This dynamic duo is the epitomy of Philadelphia athletics. Congrats Philly! Your best is comprised of a horse, a divorced probably orphaned bartender, a sitcom character, the same guy who delivered the line "I'll be the judge of that" in Judge Dredd, and two gays, one of which is dead from AIDS!!!
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