Blue Devils? More like Gay Devils!!!

So I'm sitting in my office talking to my buddy about college basketball and how much Georgetown sucks, when he utters the unforgiveable words, "Well you know I'm a real big Duke fan." Of course I vomited in my mouth, swallowed (like all good girls should) and walked away vowing to never talk to that piece of shit again. Honestly, how can anyone be a Duke fan. I have a friend that goes to Duke grad school but still hates everyone that supports the basketball program. But then I got all philosophical and shit. Why? Why do I hate the fucking Blue Devils, lets take a look.

#5 Ugly cheerleaders


Let's set the mood. You go to an ACC school in North Carolina, a part of the country that boasts some of the hottest girls in the country. And you trot out these "girls" that look like mythical creatures to give your team support. Honeslty, what was the recruiting trip like for a guy like DeMarcus Nelson. I'm envisioning the scene from "He Got Game" where Ray Allen gets to bang the two porn stars at Tech U, only when Nelson is let in by the older Chris Duhon there is one cheerleader who has got to be a deuce and a half with ratty bangs and a retainer, and the other girl has chronic acne, an extremely lazy eye, and a wooden leg, and I'm not talking about the high class type of prosthetic leg the girl in Deuce Bigalow had, I'm talking hardcore pirate peg leg shit. For real though, I thought Georgetown had some pretty busted cheerleaders, but Duke takes the cake. No wonder those lacrosse players wanted to rape that stripper, you would too if these girls were your other option.

#4 Cameron Crazies

When I was younger, its sad to say, but I really really wanted to be one of the Cameron Crazies, who are for the layman the student body that camps out for days in advance to jump up and down and cheer for the Devils. However, as I got older I began to notice just how "cool" that the Crazies really were. Sure its pretty cool to see the entire student body section jumping up and down together in unison, but have you ever seen the kids that make up this section? If McLovin were Asian and there were about 500 of them, then that would be the Cameron Crazies. Lately the cheers that they have cheered have been good hearted in nature to the point of being lame, "Who's your Daddy, Battier" comes to mind. But back in the day they weren't always so nice. Take for example back in '89 when UNC had a player named Scott Williams who suffered the death of both parents due to your run of the mill murder-suicide. How do the good natured and good sports Cameron Crazies greet him? "Or-phan, Or-phan." Sure, I laughed the first time I heard that shit, but that doesn't make it right.

#3 The players

So, I'm watching the UNC-Duke game a couple weeks back and I seriously thought I was watching Texas Western going against Kentucky in the movie "Glory Road." Honestly when was the last time that a team in the top 10 in the country ever had 5 white guys on the court at one time? Even Utah when they were sick backin the late '90's with Keith Van Horn had their token Black guy in Andre Miller. But nope, Duke can trot out Scheyer, Paulus, Zoubek, King,and Singler. All corn fed white boys who honestly have no chance of ever making an impact in the pros but they can shoot the lights out. You know what else they have in common? They are all fucking doucebags. I mean its not their fault. Its just the type of player that Coach K recruits. Look in the past going all the way back to Christian Laettner, Bobby Hurley, Cherokee Parks and recently to JJ Redick and Josh McRoberts. They are all fucking douchebags who love to smoke the reefer (Laettner and Parks) and love to drive drunk and/or high (Redick and Hurley). Real fucking winners they have there. Nothing gets me angrier than when the Hitler youth of Duke slap the floor to get ready to play tough defense. Honestly, what are the chances that JJ Reddick didn't beat his girlfriend. You know that Josh McRoberts was at that Lacrosse party, come to think of it he probably was the one that dragged that stripper to the bathroom and in order to keep bad publicity away from the golden basketball team, Duke officials placed all the blame on the lacrosse team. Sure it seems far fetched, but you know that shit definitely happend.


#2: Coach K

You know this smug fuck from all his American Express commericials, from his nasily interviews, from his passive shots at other coaches and from his retarded Polish name Krzyzewski which of course is pronounce "Che-chefski." I think the Black equivalent of Coach K's name is spelling your son's name JaTrian and pronouncing it John. Its just plain retarded. And honestly, how can you respect a coach who just sits there on the sideline looking like a rat and just works the officials for the entire game, then complains about how they weren't getting calls. And just look at how this fucking Polack coaches his players. You would think that Gordon Bombay was coaching the District 5 retards in Mighty Ducks (before they got uniforms) the way they take dives and fake injuries to get calls. Also, who was coach K sucking off when they named him head coach of Team USA. This guy gets 2-3 McDonald's All-Americans every year and what does he do with them? Loses in the second or third round every year. Georgetown has had 14 McDonalds All-Americans in the history of their program, Duke has 8 on their roster this year. Mark it down, Duke will barely advance past the Sweet 16 and has no chance whatsoever of going to the final 4. Kzyzewski is overrated, a rat, and (probably) a rascist.

#1 Dicky V

Am I the only one who was hoping that Vitale would die from the throat cancer or whatever it was that he had that kept him out of the first three months of the season. For a guy who has no affiliation with Duke whatsoever, Dicky V somehow is super fan #1. Sure he claims he is an impartial and unbiased commentator but did anyone see the Duke-Maryland game last week where they panned to the crowd to show Vitale's family? Of course they were all wearing JJ Redick and Greg Paulus jersies. In my life I have never seen a commentator more in love with a player than Vitale was with Redick when he was at Duke. Vitale couldn't announce a game between teams like Illinois and Iowa without talking about how Redick should be the number 1 pick in the draft. There's no doubt in my mind that if given the opportunity, Vitale would take his glass eye out of his head and let any Duke player, past or present, eye socket fuck the shit out of him. Can't you just picture that shit, "JJ, you're awesome baby!!! Go DOWWWNTOWWWN" as Redick, obviously high and drunk, violently thrusts in and out of Vitale's eye hole ultimately culminating with the fertilization of Vitale's bald dome. I mean come on, Redick is smart, he doesn't want to get Dicky V's brain pregnant.

Be my Office Valentine!!

Its that time of the year again, Valentines Day. A day made up by Hallmark to get men to buy flowers, cards, candy, dinner and go down on their wives. Sure tomorrow is going to be a big day people getting flowers, stuffed animals and maybe even (if I’m lucky) strip-o-grams in the office. What happens though if you haven’t met that special someone yet? Tomorrow could be a pretty rough day if you are single. People tell singles to look for prospective mates in bars, church groups, at the gym or though friends. However, one of the best places to find love is right where you are sitting right now…in the office place. Yes, it can be risky, but never fear, you have Ned’s younger brother to give you some direction and lead you to the glory land. Using any of the following techniques will ensure that you are the one getting the Strip-o-gram next year and not that homo from accounting.

• Give out valentines to everyone in the office making it obvious you are doing so, except for the ugly girl. When she asks why you are singling her out, let her know the truth. This will show all the good looking girls you are interested and reiterate the fact that God never intended for the ugly to be loved.
  
• Somehow convince a girl in your office to say “I like it when its hard” in any context. Then once she says it, roll your eyes back in your head, start moaning, cover your crotch, mutter “I gotta go,” and waddle to the bathroom.
  
• Schedule a meeting with your female coworker, in the subject line, just write “Your sweet Vag”
  
• Ask a female coworker to lunch in the cafeteria. Make sure you are seated in a position where you can see the rest of the cafeteria. As other females walk by, impress your lunch date by discussing what you would do to the other girls sexually given an opportunity.
  
• Send that special someone in your office an email disguised as some witty forward, possibly promising to contain funny pictures of President Bush. When she opens up the email, have it greet her with hardcore pornography. Follow up with a cube drop-in. With a huge grin, ask her if she liked the email. If she looks at you with a puzzled expression, simply keep grinning and motion for her to check out your raging boner. Give her a thumbs up.
  
• When your female coworker is not looking, peer your eyes over the top of your cube and stare at her making rhythmic smacking noises with your hands. When she spots you staring at her, continue smacking your hands but pretend you have a question for her. Midway through your nonsensical question let out an “OHH GODD” and politely ask if she has any tissues.
  
• If your office has some sort of happy hour during work hours, camp out by a female coworker and instead of quietly socializing like the rest of the office, try to get her wasted. If for some reason she doesn’t want to pound drinks at 4 o’clock on a Wednesday you may have to resort to GHB. Just crush it up and put it in her drink. Let time take its course, then give that young lass the time of her life after you carry her motionless body to the Men’s room. Brag to everyone the next day.
  
  Obviously, this is only a brief list of ways to snare that special office sweetheart. Please feel free to leave comments with any other tips or personal experiences!

The Real Presidential Candidates

As I write this the final tallies are coming into for Super Tuesday, and pretty soon, we’ll probably know who are presidential candidates for the 2008 election are going to be. So, naturally, you would think that as a graduate of a prestigious Government undergraduate program, that I would be glued to the CNN watching to see what exactly would become of our country. Well you would be half right if you thought that. I am glued to the TV, however I am tuned into TBS for some sick repeats of The Office. I mean can you really blame me, it’s the one where they have the stripper. Anyway, I know that it really is sad, but its not like I’m not going to vote, fuck I’m even in a face book group for one of the candidates, because voting is the hip thing to do. But the point is, these fucking candidates just don’t do anything for me. Let’s take a look at the leading contenders:

Huckabee: This guy is just fucking nuts, he doesn’t believe in evolution and wants to get rid of all taxes, yet for some reason there are people out there that think he would become a great president. Who are these people, did they ever hear of a little thing called science? Oh and outlaw abortion, that sounds like a great idea. I’m sure that won’t cause an outcry by all the Pro-Choice people aka “Sluts who like it better without a condom.”

McCain: On the surface, McCain seems like a great candidate. Naval Academy graduate, conservative but not too far right wing, even to the point where there was talk that he would run on a bi-partisan ticket in 2004, and anti-Bush. However, along with that Naval Academy education came a nice extended stay in a POW camp. I’ve seen Deer Hunter, I know what goes on at those places. Honestly, what would it look like for this country if at a dinner with some East Asian president, the Asian president said some trigger word and McCain just went fucking apes hit running around screaming out Vietnamese words in a fit of rage that inevitably ends up crying, naked in the shower.

Obama: “Is this country ready for a Black president?” This thought provoking question was posed to me recently by some homeless man on the Metro. After trying unsuccessfully to plug my nose to avoid the smell of this waste of life, it got me to thinking. I could lie and say it took me a long time, but it did not take me long to figure out the answer. No. I mean to be honest, you can sit there in your fucking bubble and say, “Oh yeah, I’m color blind” or “Racism is a thing of the past” but come on its out there, the only difference is that people don’t talk about it. And once all those Middle Americans who are scared to death of Terrorism find out that his middle name is Hussein, well, they are going to be ready to label him as a member of Al Queda.

Hillary: As someone who doesn’t get periods, I’m not quite sure how this shit works exactly and the mood swings that occur. But, honestly, doesn’t this shit scare people? I mean, couldn’t you see Hillary in some meeting with foreign dignitaries while “riding the crimson tide” and have someone say something she doesn’t quite agree with, and her just snapping and screaming, “You just don’t understand me Belgium!!” and then giving some rant about how if Belgium really wants to hang out with the leaders of Switzerland and Germany, then he should. I mean maybe if she could prove that she’s been through menopause it might be a different story, but still, we’re not in any position to have her risking our nation just because some country’s Prime Minister is not that into her. Not to mention all the bear attacks on the White House which are no doubt inevitable.

Hopefully I was able to offend the last 3 female readers with that rant, but for all of you who are still on board, your probably saying, “So, Ned’s younger brother, if that is your real name, what the fuck do you suggest I do about it?” Funny you should ask, because I have got five great candidates, all in the mold of past presidents. So, while you sit there talking shit about my Country, just know that Ned’s Younger Brother is not going to sit on his haunches and wait for change, hes going to promote it.

#5 Detective Jimmy McNulty (John F. Kennedy)

If you don’t know who this is, shame on you, get a subscription to Netflix and start with the first season of “The Wire” it’s the best thing you will do this year, fuck make it a Lenten promise that you will finish the first two seasons before Good Friday. Anyways, McNulty, an Irish Catholic, is a man’s man. Drinks all the time, womanizer, fucking hilarious and untouchable because he is also a pretty fucking badass cop. JFK had a lot of these qualities as we saw with him banging Marilyn Monroe. McNulty believes in justice and to be honest with you, if I were fucking Al Queda I would pray that McNulty weren’t the next president.

#4 Kim Kardashian (Bill Clinton)

“This fucking no talent ass clown has no place on this list” you are probably saying. And I would tend to agree with you, but come on, something has to be said about someone who has literally no talent, and is only known for her sex tape with Ray Jay, and her engagement to Reggie Bush, having her own amazing TV show. In fact, it has been reported that some unnamed blogger might have seen a few too many episodes. But seriously, it has to take a lot of charisma to go from upscale Hollywood club slut to famous sex tape diva, much like an Arkansas governor’s rise to President back in the early ‘90’s. Not to mention their raging whorish sexual tendencies.


#3. Mr. Tuttle (Lyndon Johnson/Ronald Reagan)

If you are asking me who this is, you have another thing coming to you. Everyone knows that Mr. Tuttle was a teacher at Bayside High back in the early '90's and has since moved on to having heart attacks and pedophilia. Well, the second part of that sentence may or may not be true. Nevertheless, the former Driver's Ed and Glee Club instructor would make quite the candidate for the position. Being one of the few teachers at Bayside that actually respected Zack Morris, this Renaissance man not only was a favored teacher by the student body, but he was also the next in line to take over the role of Principal at Bayside, once Mr. Belding kicked it. This didnt' strike Belding at all and he and Tuttle often butted heads. Who could ever forget the time when both Belding and Tuttle were trying to leave the classroom at the same time only to get stuck in the door frame together in a moment that ranks up there as one of the most hilarious moments in the history of not only television, but in the history of time. The way Mr. Tuttle would stick up for himself unlike that bitch Ms. Bliss, who would just take it from Mr. Belding, was inspiring and his fortitude reminds me of Ronald Reagan screaming at that Russian with the AIDS lesion on his head, Gorbachev to take down that wall. A vote for Tuttle is a vote for a better Bayside, speaking of which the episode where Becky the goose dies in the oil spill was on last night, what a tear jerker.

#2: Larry Craig (James Buchanan, the only unmarried president)

I know what you are saying, "why do you have to pick on the gay guy?" Well you know what, you are being the homophobic bastard in this case because it is pretty obvious to me that this guy is not gay. Come on now, if you are a guy out there and even if you are a girl, tell me with a straight face that you have never had your stance accidentally get a little too wide and end up tapping the patron next to you. Who knew that this was the universal homo signal for anonymous gay bathroom stall oral sex. Not me. Obviously not Senator Craig. Believe you me, I come from a college with a notorious glory hole which was located in our Campus Center, I should know about this behavior. I mean, come on there were cold, lonely nights at William and Mary. But seriously, we did have a glory hole in one of our main buildings and it wasn't until the campus newspaper "The Flathat" (get it? we went to school in Colonial Williamsburg!!!) wrote an expose on the hole and the weekend activities surrounding it. At that point, Campus police decided they had had enough of the local erotic Boo Radley and cemented the hole. Back to the topic, Craig would make a great president because he has been able to fight through all this negative press and in my eyes has come out looking like a hero. And for those of you who still think he might be gay, might I remind you of the fact that Larry Craig is married and therefore it is impossible for him to be gay. If you don't believe me, I suggest you check out a little website called http://www.wikipedia.org/ and type in "marriage." The defense rests your honor.

#1. Hannah Montana (George W. Bush)

I want to ask you to think back to the 2004 election. Bush was going up against Kerry and the nation was entirely against Bush. The world was against Bush, they couldn't believe that we had elected him in 2000, and they couldn't believe that he was about to be elected again in 2004. I couldn't believe this shit either and really couldn't believe that anyone my age would ever support "W," but that was until I started checking the AIM profiles. Many would be in support of "anyone but Bush" but then you would check out those of the rich, white, girls from the South. Amazingly, girls of this persuasion would all inexplicably have a gigantic blue "W" in their profile. Are you kidding me? When pressed about this the ultimate conclusion would be that "My Daddy love W so I do too." Shocker that you would side with him since your Daddy is paying for all your Sorority formal dresses and Plan B pills. So who better to lead the young rich white snobs of this country than Hannah Montana herself. Honestly, the Hannah Montana concert is going for more money than tickets would if they were to reunite McCartney and Starr with a resurrected Harrison and Lennon who were put on strings as if they were in "Weekend at Bernie's" to sing "I Am the Walrus." Seriously, though, who doesn't love that hit song she has on the radio that sounds a lot like "I wear my sunglasses at night." If you tell me that you don't pump up the volume when that shit comes on the HOT morning Mess on HOT 99.5 and dance around on the way into work, then you are a fucking liar, and you deserve to wear a fucking Scarlet Letter just like that slut in that book.

Anti-Christ Superstar

As I expressed in last week's blog, I am not very pleased with the work that Dan Snyder has done with your Washington Redskins. He's angered many Redskins fans and its even gotten to the point where if Snyder were assassinated, I don't think that many people would be all that upset. Now after much soul searching I've come up with an explanation for all of these awful actions which Snyder has inexplicably acted upon. These acts are so heinous in nature that there really is only one way to characterize him. Daniel Snyder is the Anti-Christ. Sure you're probably sitting there thinking that I am being a little too harsh on the owner of the greatest franschise in world history, but step back a minute and get the fuck out of the box you spend most of your life. Doesn't this all make sense? Isn't everything coming into place, don't you feel like an idiot just like the second time you watched "The Sixth Sense," that is unless you are a fucking genius like me and figured that shit out the second that Donnie Wahlberg shot Bruce Willis. Anyways, all signs point to the fact that the Danny is indeed the Anti-christ. Still don't believe me, lets check out the top 5 reasons why:

#5. He has run Six Flags into the ground

What used to be a fun hangout for PG County gangs has digressed into a poorly run and failing Amusement Park. Shockingly this has happend since the Son of Satan himself took ownership of the park. In all seriousness though, don't you feel sorry for Snyder at times. He seems like his generation's Michael Jackson, like he never had a childhood. One of his first football memories is probably the Redskins winning it all back in 1983, so of course he has to go to the extreme and actually buy the Redskins as his toy. His parents probably never let him go to Wild World growing up and God knows he didnt have any friends to cut school with and go, so again he goes to the extreme and fucking buys the park so he and his wife can shut down the park anytime they want to take their kids there. Even more proof of a lost childhood is his friendship with Tom Cruise, but we'll discuss that later.

#4. Vinny Cerrato is his right hand man

Through all of these ridiculous off season transpirings, one thing has remained clear, and that is as long as Daniel Snyder is around, Vinny Cerrato will have a job. For those of you who don't know, Vinny used to work for the 49ers during their glory years, however his role was not one of high power. He was relegated to working at ESPN with no one even giving him a sniff at another Front Office position. That is of course, until Daniel Snyder aka Beelzelbub, came knocking with an offer that Cerrato could not refuse. The deal included full control of personnel with unlimited resources in a role that would resemble a General Manager in every aspect save for the name. What would Cerrato have to give up in exchange for this positon....oh not much, only his fucking soul, much like a hooker does the first time she turns a trick. Since his hiring he has made some of the most idiotic moves in the history of sports such as giving up high draft picks for TJ Duckett and Brandon Lloyd, not to mention the astronomical and unnecessary contracts he has negotiated for players and coaches. No one in town likes Vinny, so of course what does Hitler Youth Daniel Snyder do, of course he gives him a promotion, I mean who could really blame him, I would too if someone gave me their soul.

#3. Snyder children are anti-Christs in training

When I first saw Snyder and his bride, I could only think of one thing, thats right - true love. Odds are that she and Danny were high school sweethearts and were married well before Snyder ever amassed any of his fortune. I mean for you girls out there reading this, who wouldn't fall hard for a 5'5'' nerd with horn rimmed glasses, a sick mustasche, and a nasty case of a Napoleon complex. Honestly, I know Snyder is worth billions but how can you ever respect yourself for marrying for money. I guess the same can be said for a guy who marries some Playboy model, the only difference is, guys have the ability of shutting their wife up with a swift jab to the temple. No one will ever say it but America was a much better place when domestic violence was acceptable. Thats right I said it. Suck on that shit, Betty Friedan!
Anyways, if you are like me and have seen the Devil's Advocate like 20 times, mainly for the nudity mind you, you know exactly what Snyder and his wife are doing. They came together (sick double entrendre) to create the ultimate devil child, and no I am not talking about a kid with AIDS....this time. Unfortunately for us, they were very sucessful in doing so and have 2 daughters aka Satan sluts, and one son who is better known as heir to Satan's throne. As painful as it is to have the Anti-Christ himself running the Redskins, just imagine what type of reign the new more powerful son of Satan will bring.

#2 His best friend is Tom Cruise

Honestly, Is Daniel Snyder living in the same world that we are? Of course not, he's the anti-christ. Just making sure you are paying attention. But seriously, at what point did Snyder decide, "You know what would be good for my image, being friends with a fucking lunatic and hanging out with him during games." My theory is this all boils down to that lost childhood we examined earlier. You know when he was a kid Snyder saw "Risky Business" and though Cruise was just the coolest and if only he could choreograph a slide across the floor in just his tighty whities perfectly, then maybe the neighborhood hooker wouldn't reject him like she always did. Interesting story about that, a friend of mine apparently was rejected by a hooker in Vegas, which places him in the very elite category as most pathetic human on Earth. But anyways, I digress. Do you think Snyder has just like this huge man crush on Cruise? I bet when he goes to the beach he wears nothing but blue jeans and dog tags. Do you think he has a mirror in his room for when hes getting frisky so he can stare into it just like Cruise did in Eyes Wide Shut? What do you think Snyder and Cruise even talk about when they are just hanging out? How much it sucks to be really short? What its like to raise their respective Satan Sluts (Suri of course being a Scientologist Satan Slut)? I just don't see what these two have in common, other than the fact that they both hate God.

#1 He has run the Redskins Franchise into the ground

"If you don't love the Redskins, you deserve to die" - God, "The Bible"
Sure Danny pretends to like the Redskins, by jumping up and down like a little school girl and screaming when they have a big play, but that is all show. You know what they say, The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn't exist. Thats exactly what Snyder is doing right here. There was a time where football in DC was a fun time. I remember as a youngling going to RFK to watch the Skins play and sitting on the lower level right next to the players. Of course I didn't pay for it because I come from a privileged childhood, but I don't think it was all that expensive. These days Snyder decides to test the allegience of die hard fans by charging outrageous prices for seats, parking, and beer and food. We as Skins fans will stand by anything that is put out on that field, but come on please don't treat us like idiots. It was common knowledge that Redskins fans stood behind one prospective head coach, Gregg Williams, who apparently told Snyder he would not be his little bitch Snyder didn't like this at all and announced that Williams would be fired. Knowing there would be such a negative response from the Redskins faithful, Snyder spread the rumor that Williams was talking shit about Joe Gibbs and that was the reason why he was fired. Which is just absolute bulshit. The truth is, Daniel Snyder has no football knowledge whatsoever, however has such an incredible Napoleon complex that he gets flashbacks of big mean football players in high school pushing him around and has to do it all himself.

Solution: Snyder can keep the team, even though he is the anti-Christ himself, if he can get someone who knows something about football to make all the football decisions. So Danny, if you are reading this, and I know you are, I will apologize for calling her two daughters under the age of 3 Satan sluts as long as you give power to make football decisions to someone other than your ass-puppet Vinny Cerrato. Sure you can keep charging people for their "stupidity" of being Redskins fans, but you will never be a hero in the city until you realize that we don't care how tall you are.