Deaf Leopards

Can you feel it? Can you taste the crab cake? Can you hear the bar blaring music at 9 AM already packed with a line? Can you see the guys stumbling down to the beach, already tanked by noon? Are you ready for the Dewey Beach?? "Dewey Beach?" You might say, "Its the fucking dead of winter, why the fuck would I be thinking about hitting up the Starboard?" Thats because we are only six months away from Memorial Day weekend the official start of the summer! If you have never been to Dewey, it really is something that you just have to do before you decide its time to settle down.

"But I'm too old, there is no reason for a 50 year old woman going to a beach bar in the middle of the summer to hang out with a bunch of 20 something guys!"

This is where you are wrong, you see. For this is the place where older women are the kings of the jungle and they roam the various dance floors as drunk recent college grads drink until they are doable. This is the esscence of a Cougar.

What is a cougar you might ask? Well a cougar is a woman aged 40-49 characterized mainly by her lack of wedding ring and fueled by alcohol, their pre-menopausal raging hormones, and the flesh of young men. What the attraction is between these two groups of the population is is unclear to me. Perhaps it is because many of the potential suitors their own age are already married with children or are impotent. Perhaps these women think that now that they have their new fake breasts they are too good for people their own age and would rather use their new found looks as well as their accumlated wealth to have their own personal little cabana boy. Perhaps the cougars are enchanted by the possiblity that the boy they are hitting on is in fact the baby they had back in '85 and that he miraculously survived the dumpster in which he was tossed outside of the homecoming dance and have gone on to live a full and happy life. I'm not a sociologist so I just don't know. What I do know is that Cougars are not a fad. They are not going away and in fact they have been around for quite some time, contrary to popular belief.

Current cougars needn't fear the evil hand of time, you see as cougars age, they become Leopards. Leopards are women aged 50-59 and are characterized primarily by their spots. While veterans at their craft, leopards often find great resistance from their prey. They can not always count on the romance and games of seduction that cougars are often afforded, instead, because of their saggy breasts and face conjures images of a catchers mitt, leopards must often rely on the greatest aphrodisiac that God ever created...alcohol. Now it a drunken haze, last summer I did indeed make out with a 55 year old leopard in the stall of a women's room, however contrary to popular belief, it was not one of my finer moments as an individual. It was one of those moments that if my father had found out he would have just shaken his head and said, "It's not that I'm mad...I'm just disappointed." Those are always the hardest ones to take aren't they? That leopard tricked me into making out with her! How did she do it? Because leopards have been around for a fucking long time and they have passed down their skills from generation to generation with their rich oral tradition. Ever since they were given the right to vote, women have gradually progressed through the years to the point where they are now able to convince me to follow them into the womens room at the Bottle and Cork and make out with the same lips they kiss their grand kids with. This trend of cougars/leopards is nothing new thats for sure. Just take a look at these flesh hungry menopausal beast from yesteryear.

Mrs. Roper "Three's Company"

I'm not sure what the craze was with sex craved senior citizens back during the days where Three's Company was popular, but Mrs. Roper definitely fit the mold. I don't ever remember her being in any position other than lying on the bed begging Stanley to come to bed, meanwhile he would be sitting at the window checking out girls on the beach with his binoculars....hmmm reminds me of someone I know. This show was great though, I don't know how the writers kept coming up with scenarios where Jack would have a date he would have to hide from Mr. Furly and at the same time hide Janet and Chrissy from the date so she wouldn't get jealous, all the while trying to bang the date without getting Mrs. Roper's leopard claws stuck into him while she tried to convert him from being gay (which was stupid because everyone knows to do that you have to go to Christian conversion camp.) Needless to say, this was a highly sexualized show and Mrs. Roper exemplified all of this. I wonder if Mrs. Roper and Larry ever got it on after a long night of drinking at the Regal Beagle. I could definitely see Mr. Roper slipping Larry some sort of GHB just so he would get his wife off his dong piece. Mrs. Roper really must have felt pretty pathetic knowing her husband would rather beat off while checking girls out through the blinds than bang her, but to be brutally honest, who wouldn't?

Blanche Devereaux "Golden Girls"

To be honest, Blanche was just more of a slut than anything else, it really seemed like the only thing she ever talked about was banging other dudes. I mean I guess if you had to choose which one of the Golden Girls you would probably pick Blance seeing as how the other choices were Betty White, Bea Arthur and Bea's mother who must have been like 110 (how do you expect to get any lubrication??) I think Betty White might have been a bit of a freak, however she was pretty prude. There was that episode where she got felt up by her dentist while she was under and she was upset about that, which I don't really understand. Don't girls like to get felt up? And wasn't that her doctor, making it OK? I always thought the rule of thumb was the only people allowed to touch your privates were doctors and your strange out of work Uncles. Anyway Blanche was a whore and whether she banged guys in their 20's or not the point is she was loose as a goose and hopefully that slut got what she deserved...a terminal venereal illness.

Mona "Who's the Boss"

Saving the old red headed slut for last. It's really unfathomable to think that such a whore of an old lady can produce such an uptight bitch like Angela. Honestly, couldn't you see Angela and Mona on one of those shows like "Maury" or "Jenny Jones" with the title like "My mother is out of control!" I could see Mona coming out in like some mini skirt and a tube top all liqoured up hitting on the other guests on the show and talking about how shes so "happy with her body" and wants everyone to "love her sexy body too" followed by cat calls and "questions" from the audience such as "You are an embarassment. You need to set an example for your grandson!!" Speaking of her grandson, what a fag right? I mean come on, you are living with Alyssa Milano for your childhood and teen years and you try nothing? Are you fucking kidding me you fairy? I can't believe Tony didn't try to toughen that flamer up. I can't even remember what happend in this show, did Angela and Tony end up together? If so I can't wait for the reunion show where it comes out that Mona and Tony were rubbing fuzzies for a 5 year stretch.

I know what you are saying to yourself right now..."I can't believe this cougar craze is just now getting popular when they were under my nose the entire time!" Well next time you settle in for a hot cup of cider and a long night of Nick at Nite remember that these women are not only sluts....they are also pioneers.