Remember me?
I apologize for not writing on this site for nearing 2 months now, and yes Barry Bonds, one might make the case that it has a lot to do with Ned's passing, some 28 years ago. However the real reason is that sadly, I have sold my soul to corporate America. I'll try to update this more often in the near future.
A lot has happend since we last visited. I bagged a 44 year old cougar with kids who were 20 and 18 years old. High point in my life to say the least. Every day I try to do something which would make my parents proud, and I'm pretty sure this one act covered me for the entire year. The good news is that 21 days from now I'll have another prime opportunity with the official opening of the Summer on Memorial Day at the beach. However, in the meantime, I would like to discuss something that I feel should be a major concern to all Americans. Something that threatens us every day as we go to sleep at night. Something that has terrorized Americans, young and old. Of course I am talking about none other than Tila Tequila. Here we go, with a long anticipated top 5 list, the top 5 reasons why you should hate Tila Tequila:
#5: Tila Tequila is not that hot
Come on guys, call me racist or whatever you want to call me, but Tila Tequila is not that hot at all. She looks like a fucking mouse and that is a fact. Not only is she not hot, but she is obviously also a whore. Sure Tequila is not her Christian last name (more on that later) but come on is she really looking to just be some second rate low budget hooker or what? I mean, shes not even fucking Spanish! Where the fuck does all this Tequila business come into play. Now for the sake of full disclosure I must point out that I have seen Shot of Love II a few times (Can anyone else believe she didn't find love the first time around!?!?) and I just love all the butch dykes that are one the show. Do they honestly think that they have a fucking chance with Tila? Sure there are the token hot lesbians who are pretending to be gay just so they can advance their modeling career, but then there are the hardcore carpet munchers with the fucking overalls and mustaches. They seriously have as much chance of winning Tila's heart as a Black girl ever has at winning the Bachelor. Which is something else that I think is hilarious. I love in all those reality shows when the Black girl is the first to get kicked off and the Bachelor/Bret Michaels inevitably states some bullshit that he just didn't have a strong connection with them. If I were the bachelor I would just hand them the honest truth, "I know they say you can't get AIDS by sharing a toilet seat, but they also thought the world was fucking flat for like a million years." But, I digress.
#4: Tila Tequila is not American
Call me crazy, but I'm old school. Either you're with us, or you're fucking against us. How do I draw my line, you ask? I would like to refer you to a good friend of mine, you might know him, his name is Bruce Springsteen. Springsteen once wrote a little diddy entitled "Born in the USA" and I live my life by it. You know who doesn't live by this ballad?Hitler, Kim Jong-Il, all of Africa, and oh, I don't know TILA TEQUILA! Shockingly Tila Tequila was not born with that name, in fact her real name is Thien Thanh Thi Nguyen, which I guess, if you speak terrorist kind of sounds like Tila Tequila. She was born in Singapore where her parents had moved to from Vietname, which naturally means that she has razor blades hidden in her vagina.
Look for the top 3 next week....let's go Wizards
Friday, May 2, 2008
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Trail of Tears
It was the biggest game in the history of the program....and we choked. Last night, William and Mary, with a team comprised enought white guys to make Hitler proud, improbably was playing for their first ever trip to the NCAA Tournament. Apparently, William and Mary is not the basketball powerhouse most people take them to be. In fact, since the onset of the NCAA Tournament only 5 teams that were there since the beginning had not made it. Of course the Tribe was one of them. Seeing as how it looks like it might be another 300 years before the Tribe plays in another CAA Championship game you can imagine the bad taste that I had leaving the bar aka Tribe Nation viewing party aka one fat blond lady '89 alumni who tried to get us to cheer louder to which we responded that she should worry less about our cheering and more about how her disgusting obesity is making all her eHarmony dates stand her up. But the bad taste wasn't due to the loss, it was due more to the way we lost.
The MVP of the team is without a doubt Danny Sumner aka the only black guy on the team. If I were Coach Shaver, better known to his nieces and nephews as "Coach Pedophile," every time down the court I would have fed the Black guy and let him go to work. Instead we decided to let our 5'4'' team mascot jack threes all game long. Sure we were outmatched from an athletic perspective seeing as how Mason actually realized its not 1957 and colleges have actually been integrated, thus allowing for more than one Black player. Not to mention the influx of talent that is coming in since the Final Four run of 2006. About that run.....
Sure it was a great couple of weeks here in the DC back in '06 when the "Mason Nation" came out of the woodworks and for the first time were not embarassed they lived in their parents house and commuted to school because their grades were so shitty their college counselor advised them to save their application money on reach schools like JMU because there was just no chance. And now people are calling William and Mary fans bandwagon fans?? Sure our team has been shitty for the past, well, ever, but that doesn't mean I can't be proud of a school that has produced four presidents, soon to be 5 in 10 years once our good man RW. Ferg III turns 35 and is eligible. We've got entertainers, diplomats, astronauts, and writers, not to mention a little band by the name of, oh I don't know, SEVEN MARY THREE! What does Mason have? According to their Wikipedia page, which is never wrong, not much. One of their most famous alumni is Greg Nosal. Never heard of him, well I guess you're just not be up to date on all your Professional Foosball players.Seriously, how can you brag about your college when Lincoln Tech was founded 10 years before Mason?? How sad is that? I remember growing up making fun of my brother saying he was to dumb to go anwyere but Lincoln Tech, turns out I probably should have been telling him he would be going to Mason with all the other retards too scared to leave the nest.
Anyways, great run William and Mary, I'll tell you who is happy that you lost: Everybody. William and Mary is the hottest team in the country and I'm pretty confident no one wanted to have any part of them in the tournament. Now heres a wacky idea for the offseason - recruit some fucking Black guys!
Thursday, March 6, 2008
NYB = Asshole
Sorry about nothing new coming out recently, apparently so and so's boss wants so and so to focus on getting to work on time and actually doing work rather than sitting in so and so's cube giggling as so and so writes 2000 word essays about retarded babies. Never fear though, there will be a post soon, possibly tonight provided I don't get too drunk at happy hour, come home and start beating off in the mirror, which is a series of events I fondly refer to as a "Typical Weeknight." Anyways, I'm debating on whether I should release my boss's email address so fans can tell him to loosen up and make him realize that sure, losing the company about $30K last week was his fault, but its not like its his boss's money! I mean come on he still gets paid. Anyways, let me know if you guys think this is a good idea and I swear a new article will come soon and it will be worth the wait.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Blue Devils? More like Gay Devils!!!
So I'm sitting in my office talking to my buddy about college basketball and how much Georgetown sucks, when he utters the unforgiveable words, "Well you know I'm a real big Duke fan." Of course I vomited in my mouth, swallowed (like all good girls should) and walked away vowing to never talk to that piece of shit again. Honestly, how can anyone be a Duke fan. I have a friend that goes to Duke grad school but still hates everyone that supports the basketball program. But then I got all philosophical and shit. Why? Why do I hate the fucking Blue Devils, lets take a look.
#5 Ugly cheerleaders
Let's set the mood. You go to an ACC school in North Carolina, a part of the country that boasts some of the hottest girls in the country. And you trot out these "girls" that look like mythical creatures to give your team support. Honeslty, what was the recruiting trip like for a guy like DeMarcus Nelson. I'm envisioning the scene from "He Got Game" where Ray Allen gets to bang the two porn stars at Tech U, only when Nelson is let in by the older Chris Duhon there is one cheerleader who has got to be a deuce and a half with ratty bangs and a retainer, and the other girl has chronic acne, an extremely lazy eye, and a wooden leg, and I'm not talking about the high class type of prosthetic leg the girl in Deuce Bigalow had, I'm talking hardcore pirate peg leg shit. For real though, I thought Georgetown had some pretty busted cheerleaders, but Duke takes the cake. No wonder those lacrosse players wanted to rape that stripper, you would too if these girls were your other option.
#4 Cameron Crazies
When I was younger, its sad to say, but I really really wanted to be one of the Cameron Crazies, who are for the layman the student body that camps out for days in advance to jump up and down and cheer for the Devils. However, as I got older I began to notice just how "cool" that the Crazies really were. Sure its pretty cool to see the entire student body section jumping up and down together in unison, but have you ever seen the kids that make up this section? If McLovin were Asian and there were about 500 of them, then that would be the Cameron Crazies. Lately the cheers that they have cheered have been good hearted in nature to the point of being lame, "Who's your Daddy, Battier" comes to mind. But back in the day they weren't always so nice. Take for example back in '89 when UNC had a player named Scott Williams who suffered the death of both parents due to your run of the mill murder-suicide. How do the good natured and good sports Cameron Crazies greet him? "Or-phan, Or-phan." Sure, I laughed the first time I heard that shit, but that doesn't make it right.
#3 The players
So, I'm watching the UNC-Duke game a couple weeks back and I seriously thought I was watching Texas Western going against Kentucky in the movie "Glory Road." Honestly when was the last time that a team in the top 10 in the country ever had 5 white guys on the court at one time? Even Utah when they were sick backin the late '90's with Keith Van Horn had their token Black guy in Andre Miller. But nope, Duke can trot out Scheyer, Paulus, Zoubek, King,and Singler. All corn fed white boys who honestly have no chance of ever making an impact in the pros but they can shoot the lights out. You know what else they have in common? 
They are all fucking doucebags. I mean its not their fault. Its just the type of player that Coach K recruits. Look in the past going all the way back to Christian Laettner, Bobby Hurley, Cherokee Parks and recently to JJ Redick and Josh McRoberts. They are all fucking douchebags who love to smoke the reefer (Laettner and Parks) and love to drive drunk and/or high (Redick and Hurley). Real fucking winners they have there. Nothing gets me angrier than when the Hitler youth of Duke slap the floor to get ready to play tough defense. Honestly, what are the chances that JJ Reddick didn't beat his girlfriend. You know that Josh McRoberts was at that Lacrosse party, come to think of it he probably was the one that dragged that stripper to the bathroom and in order to keep bad publicity away from the golden basketball team, Duke officials placed all the blame on the lacrosse team. Sure it seems far fetched, but you know that shit definitely happend.
#2: Coach K
You know this smug fuck from all his American Express commericials, from his nasily interviews,
from his passive shots at other coaches and from his retarded Polish name Krzyzewski which of course is pronounce "Che-chefski." I think the Black equivalent of Coach K's name is spelling your son's name JaTrian and pronouncing it John. Its just plain retarded. And honestly, how can you respect a coach who just sits there on the sideline looking like a rat and just works the officials for the entire game, then complains about how they weren't getting calls. And just look at how this fucking Polack coaches his players. You would think that Gordon Bombay was coaching the District 5 retards in Mighty Ducks (before they got uniforms) the way they take dives and fake injuries to get calls. Also, who was coach K sucking off when they named him head coach of Team USA. This guy gets 2-3 McDonald's All-Americans every year and what does he do with them? Loses in the second or third round every year. Georgetown has had 14 McDonalds All-Americans in the history of their program, Duke has 8 on their roster this year. Mark it down, Duke will barely advance past the Sweet 16 and has no chance whatsoever of going to the final 4. Kzyzewski is overrated, a rat, and (probably) a rascist.
#1 Dicky V
Am I the only one who was hoping that Vitale would die from the throat cancer or whatever it was that he had that kept him out of the first three months of the season. For a guy who has no affiliation with Duke whatsoever, Dicky V somehow is super fan #1. Sure he claims he is an impartial and unbiased commentator but did anyone see the Duke-Maryland game last week where they panned to the crowd to show Vitale's family? Of course they were all wearing JJ Redick and Greg Paulus jersies. In my life I have never seen a commentator more in love with a player than Vitale was with Redick when he was at Duke. Vitale couldn't announce a game between teams like Illinois and Iowa without talking about how Redick should be the number 1 pick in the draft. There's no doubt in my mind that if given the opportunity, Vitale would take his glass eye out of his head and let any Duke player, past or present, eye socket fuck the shit out of him. Can't you just picture that shit, "JJ, you're awesome baby!!! Go DOWWWNTOWWWN" as Redick, obviously high and drunk, violently thrusts in and out of Vitale's eye hole ultimately culminating with the fertilization of Vitale's bald dome. I mean come on, Redick is smart, he doesn't want to get Dicky V's brain pregnant.
#5 Ugly cheerleaders
Let's set the mood. You go to an ACC school in North Carolina, a part of the country that boasts some of the hottest girls in the country. And you trot out these "girls" that look like mythical creatures to give your team support. Honeslty, what was the recruiting trip like for a guy like DeMarcus Nelson. I'm envisioning the scene from "He Got Game" where Ray Allen gets to bang the two porn stars at Tech U, only when Nelson is let in by the older Chris Duhon there is one cheerleader who has got to be a deuce and a half with ratty bangs and a retainer, and the other girl has chronic acne, an extremely lazy eye, and a wooden leg, and I'm not talking about the high class type of prosthetic leg the girl in Deuce Bigalow had, I'm talking hardcore pirate peg leg shit. For real though, I thought Georgetown had some pretty busted cheerleaders, but Duke takes the cake. No wonder those lacrosse players wanted to rape that stripper, you would too if these girls were your other option.#4 Cameron Crazies
When I was younger, its sad to say, but I really really wanted to be one of the Cameron Crazies, who are for the layman the student body that camps out for days in advance to jump up and down and cheer for the Devils. However, as I got older I began to notice just how "cool" that the Crazies really were. Sure its pretty cool to see the entire student body section jumping up and down together in unison, but have you ever seen the kids that make up this section? If McLovin were Asian and there were about 500 of them, then that would be the Cameron Crazies. Lately the cheers that they have cheered have been good hearted in nature to the point of being lame, "Who's your Daddy, Battier" comes to mind. But back in the day they weren't always so nice. Take for example back in '89 when UNC had a player named Scott Williams who suffered the death of both parents due to your run of the mill murder-suicide. How do the good natured and good sports Cameron Crazies greet him? "Or-phan, Or-phan." Sure, I laughed the first time I heard that shit, but that doesn't make it right.#3 The players
So, I'm watching the UNC-Duke game a couple weeks back and I seriously thought I was watching Texas Western going against Kentucky in the movie "Glory Road." Honestly when was the last time that a team in the top 10 in the country ever had 5 white guys on the court at one time? Even Utah when they were sick backin the late '90's with Keith Van Horn had their token Black guy in Andre Miller. But nope, Duke can trot out Scheyer, Paulus, Zoubek, King,and Singler. All corn fed white boys who honestly have no chance of ever making an impact in the pros but they can shoot the lights out. You know what else they have in common? They are all fucking doucebags. I mean its not their fault. Its just the type of player that Coach K recruits. Look in the past going all the way back to Christian Laettner, Bobby Hurley, Cherokee Parks and recently to JJ Redick and Josh McRoberts. They are all fucking douchebags who love to smoke the reefer (Laettner and Parks) and love to drive drunk and/or high (Redick and Hurley). Real fucking winners they have there. Nothing gets me angrier than when the Hitler youth of Duke slap the floor to get ready to play tough defense. Honestly, what are the chances that JJ Reddick didn't beat his girlfriend. You know that Josh McRoberts was at that Lacrosse party, come to think of it he probably was the one that dragged that stripper to the bathroom and in order to keep bad publicity away from the golden basketball team, Duke officials placed all the blame on the lacrosse team. Sure it seems far fetched, but you know that shit definitely happend.#2: Coach K
You know this smug fuck from all his American Express commericials, from his nasily interviews,
from his passive shots at other coaches and from his retarded Polish name Krzyzewski which of course is pronounce "Che-chefski." I think the Black equivalent of Coach K's name is spelling your son's name JaTrian and pronouncing it John. Its just plain retarded. And honestly, how can you respect a coach who just sits there on the sideline looking like a rat and just works the officials for the entire game, then complains about how they weren't getting calls. And just look at how this fucking Polack coaches his players. You would think that Gordon Bombay was coaching the District 5 retards in Mighty Ducks (before they got uniforms) the way they take dives and fake injuries to get calls. Also, who was coach K sucking off when they named him head coach of Team USA. This guy gets 2-3 McDonald's All-Americans every year and what does he do with them? Loses in the second or third round every year. Georgetown has had 14 McDonalds All-Americans in the history of their program, Duke has 8 on their roster this year. Mark it down, Duke will barely advance past the Sweet 16 and has no chance whatsoever of going to the final 4. Kzyzewski is overrated, a rat, and (probably) a rascist.#1 Dicky V
Am I the only one who was hoping that Vitale would die from the throat cancer or whatever it was that he had that kept him out of the first three months of the season. For a guy who has no affiliation with Duke whatsoever, Dicky V somehow is super fan #1. Sure he claims he is an impartial and unbiased commentator but did anyone see the Duke-Maryland game last week where they panned to the crowd to show Vitale's family? Of course they were all wearing JJ Redick and Greg Paulus jersies. In my life I have never seen a commentator more in love with a player than Vitale was with Redick when he was at Duke. Vitale couldn't announce a game between teams like Illinois and Iowa without talking about how Redick should be the number 1 pick in the draft. There's no doubt in my mind that if given the opportunity, Vitale would take his glass eye out of his head and let any Duke player, past or present, eye socket fuck the shit out of him. Can't you just picture that shit, "JJ, you're awesome baby!!! Go DOWWWNTOWWWN" as Redick, obviously high and drunk, violently thrusts in and out of Vitale's eye hole ultimately culminating with the fertilization of Vitale's bald dome. I mean come on, Redick is smart, he doesn't want to get Dicky V's brain pregnant.Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Be my Office Valentine!!
Its that time of the year again, Valentines Day. A day made up by Hallmark to get men to buy flowers, cards, candy, dinner and go down on their wives. Sure tomorrow is going to be a big day people getting flowers, stuffed animals and maybe even (if I’m lucky) strip-o-grams in the office. What happens though if you haven’t met that special someone yet? Tomorrow could be a pretty rough day if you are single. People tell singles to look for prospective mates in bars, church groups, at the gym or though friends. However, one of the best places to find love is right where you are sitting right now…in the office place. Yes, it can be risky, but never fear, you have Ned’s younger brother to give you some direction and lead you to the glory land. Using any of the following techniques will ensure that you are the one getting the Strip-o-gram next year and not that homo from accounting.
- Give out valentines to everyone in the office making it obvious you are doing so, except for the ugly girl. When she asks why you are singling her out, let her know the truth. This will show all the good looking girls you are interested and reiterate the fact that God never intended for the ugly to be loved.
- Somehow convince a girl in your office to say “I like it when its hard” in any context. Then once she says it, roll your eyes back in your head, start moaning, cover your crotch, mutter “I gotta go,” and waddle to the bathroom.
- Schedule a meeting with your female coworker, in the subject line, just write “Your sweet Vag”
- Ask a female coworker to lunch in the cafeteria. Make sure you are seated in a position where you can see the rest of the cafeteria. As other females walk by, impress your lunch date by discussing what you would do to the other girls sexually given an opportunity.
- Send that special someone in your office an email disguised as some witty forward, possibly promising to contain funny pictures of President Bush. When she opens up the email, have it greet her with hardcore pornography. Follow up with a cube drop-in. With a huge grin, ask her if she liked the email. If she looks at you with a puzzled expression, simply keep grinning and motion for her to check out your raging boner. Give her a thumbs up.
- When your female coworker is not looking, peer your eyes over the top of your cube and stare at her making rhythmic smacking noises with your hands. When she spots you staring at her, continue smacking your hands but pretend you have a question for her. Midway through your nonsensical question let out an “OHH GODD” and politely ask if she has any tissues.
- If your office has some sort of happy hour during work hours, camp out by a female coworker and instead of quietly socializing like the rest of the office, try to get her wasted. If for some reason she doesn’t want to pound drinks at 4 o’clock on a Wednesday you may have to resort to GHB. Just crush it up and put it in her drink. Let time take its course, then give that young lass the time of her life after you carry her motionless body to the Men’s room. Brag to everyone the next day.
Obviously, this is only a brief list of ways to snare that special office sweetheart. Please feel free to leave comments with any other tips or personal experiences!
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
The Real Presidential Candidates
As I write this the final tallies are coming into for Super Tuesday, and pretty soon, we’ll probably know who are presidential candidates for the 2008 election are going to be. So, naturally, you would think that as a graduate of a prestigious Government undergraduate program, that I would be glued to the CNN watching to see what exactly would become of our country. Well you would be half right if you thought that. I am glued to the TV, however I am tuned into TBS for some sick repeats of The Office. I mean can you really blame me, it’s the one where they have the stripper. Anyway, I know that it really is sad, but its not like I’m not going to vote, fuck I’m even in a face book group for one of the candidates, because voting is the hip thing to do. But the point is, these fucking candidates just don’t do anything for me. Let’s take a look at the leading contenders:
Huckabee: This guy is just fucking nuts, he doesn’t believe in evolution and wants to get rid of all taxes, yet for some reason there are people out there that think he would become a great president. Who are these people, did they ever hear of a little thing called science? Oh and outlaw abortion, that sounds like a great idea. I’m sure that won’t cause an outcry by all the Pro-Choice people aka “Sluts who like it better without a condom.”
McCain: On the surface, McCain seems like a great candidate. Naval Academy graduate, conservative but not too far right wing, even to the point where there was talk that he would run on a bi-partisan ticket in 2004, and anti-Bush. However, along with that Naval Academy education came a nice extended stay in a POW camp. I’ve seen Deer Hunter, I know what goes on at those places. Honestly, what would it look like for this country if at a dinner with some East Asian president, the Asian president said some trigger word and McCain just went fucking apes hit running around screaming out Vietnamese words in a fit of rage that inevitably ends up crying, naked in the shower.
Obama: “Is this country ready for a Black president?” This thought provoking question was posed to me recently by some homeless man on the Metro. After trying unsuccessfully to plug my nose to avoid the smell of this waste of life, it got me to thinking. I could lie and say it took me a long time, but it did not take me long to figure out the answer. No. I mean to be honest, you can sit there in your fucking bubble and say, “Oh yeah, I’m color blind” or “Racism is a thing of the past” but come on its out there, the only difference is that people don’t talk about it. And once all those Middle Americans who are scared to death of Terrorism find out that his middle name is Hussein, well, they are going to be ready to label him as a member of Al Queda.
Hillary: As someone who doesn’t get periods, I’m not quite sure how this shit works exactly and the mood swings that occur. But, honestly, doesn’t this shit scare people? I mean, couldn’t you see Hillary in some meeting with foreign dignitaries while “riding the crimson tide” and have someone say something she doesn’t quite agree with, and her just snapping and screaming, “You just don’t understand me Belgium!!” and then giving some rant about how if Belgium really wants to hang out with the leaders of Switzerland and Germany, then he should. I mean maybe if she could prove that she’s been through menopause it might be a different story, but still, we’re not in any position to have her risking our nation just because some country’s Prime Minister is not that into her. Not to mention all the bear attacks on the White House which are no doubt inevitable.
Hopefully I was able to offend the last 3 female readers with that rant, but for all of you who are still on board, your probably saying, “So, Ned’s younger brother, if that is your real name, what the fuck do you suggest I do about it?” Funny you should ask, because I have got five great candidates, all in the mold of past presidents. So, while you sit there talking shit about my Country, just know that Ned’s Younger Brother is not going to sit on his haunches and wait for change, hes going to promote it.
#5 Detective Jimmy McNulty (John F. Kennedy)
If you don’t know who this is, shame on you, get a subscription to Netflix and start with the first season of “The Wire” it’s the best thing you will do this year, fuck make it a Lenten promise that you will finish the first two seasons before Good Friday. Anyways, McNulty, an Irish Catholic, is a man’s man. Drinks all the time, womanizer, fucking hilarious and untouchable because he is also a pretty fucking badass cop. JFK had a lot of these qualities as we saw with him banging Marilyn Monroe. McNulty believes in justice and to be honest with you, if I were fucking Al Queda I would pray that McNulty weren’t the next president.
#4 Kim Kardashian (Bill Clinton)
“This fucking no talent ass clown has no place on this list” you are probably saying. And I would tend to agree with you, but come on, something has to be said about someone who has literally no talent, and is only known for her sex tape with Ray Jay, and her engagement to Reggie Bush, having her own amazing TV show. In fact, it has been reported that some unnamed blogger might have seen a few too many episodes. But seriously, it has to take a lot of charisma to go from upscale Hollywood club slut to famous sex tape diva, much like an Arkansas governor’s rise to President back in the early ‘90’s. Not to mention their raging whorish sexual tendencies.
#3. Mr. Tuttle (Lyndon Johnson/Ronald Reagan)
If you are asking me who this is, you have another thing coming to you. Everyone knows that Mr. Tuttle was a teacher at Bayside High back in the early '90's and has since moved on to having heart attacks and pedophilia. Well, the second part of that sentence may or may not be true. Nevertheless, the former Driver's Ed and Glee Club instructor would make quite the candidate for the position. Being one of the few teachers at Bayside that actually respected Zack Morris, this Renaissance man not only was a favored teacher by the student body, but he was also the next in line to take over the role of Principal at Bayside, once Mr. Belding kicked it. This didnt' strike Belding at all and he and Tuttle often butted heads. Who could ever forget the time when both Belding and Tuttle were trying to leave the classroom at the same time only to get stuck in the door frame together in a moment that ranks up there as one of the most hilarious moments in the history of not only television, but in the history of time. The way Mr. Tuttle would stick up for himself unlike that bitch Ms. Bliss, who would just take it from Mr. Belding, was inspiring and his fortitude reminds me of Ronald Reagan screaming at that Russian with the AIDS lesion on his head, Gorbachev to take down that wall. A vote for Tuttle is a vote for a better Bayside, speaking of which the episode where Becky the goose dies in the oil spill was on last night, what a tear jerker.
#2: Larry Craig (James Buchanan, the only unmarried president)
I know what you are saying, "why do you have to pick on the gay guy?" Well you know what, you are being the homophobic bastard in this case because it is pretty obvious to me that this guy is not gay. Come on now, if you are a guy out there and even if you are a girl, tell me with a straight face that you have never had your stance accidentally get a little too wide and end up tapping the patron next to you. Who knew that this was the universal homo signal for anonymous gay bathroom stall oral sex. Not me. Obviously not Senator Craig. Believe you me, I come from a college with a notorious glory hole which was located in our Campus Center, I should know about this behavior. I mean, come on there were cold, lonely nights at William and Mary. But seriously, we did have a glory hole in one of our main buildings and it wasn't until the campus newspaper "The Flathat" (get it? we went to school in Colonial Williamsburg!!!) wrote an expose on the hole and the weekend activities surrounding it. At that point, Campus police decided they had had enough of the local erotic Boo Radley and cemented the hole. Back to the topic, Craig would make a great president because he has been able to fight through all this negative press and in my eyes has come out looking like a hero. And for those of you who still think he might be gay, might I remind you of the fact that Larry Craig is married and therefore it is impossible for him to be gay. If you don't believe me, I suggest you check out a little website called http://www.wikipedia.org/ and type in "marriage." The defense rests your honor.
#1. Hannah Montana (George W. Bush)
I want to ask you to think back to the 2004 election. Bush was going up against Kerry and the nation was entirely against Bush. The world was against Bush, they couldn't believe that we had elected him in 2000, and they couldn't believe that he was about to be elected again in 2004. I couldn't believe this shit either and really couldn't believe that anyone my age would ever support "W," but that was until I started checking the AIM profiles. Many would be in support of "anyone but Bush" but then you would check out those of the rich, white, girls from the South. Amazingly, girls of this persuasion would all inexplicably have a gigantic blue "W" in their profile. Are you kidding me? When pressed about this the ultimate conclusion would be that "My Daddy love W so I do too." Shocker that you would side with him since your Daddy is paying for all your Sorority formal dresses and Plan B pills. So who better to lead the young rich white snobs of this country than Hannah Montana herself. Honestly, the Hannah Montana concert is going for more money than tickets would if they were to reunite McCartney and Starr with a resurrected Harrison and Lennon who were put on strings as if they were in "Weekend at Bernie's" to sing "I Am the Walrus." Seriously, though, who doesn't love that hit song she has on the radio that sounds a lot like "I wear my sunglasses at night." If you tell me that you don't pump up the volume when that shit comes on the HOT morning Mess on HOT 99.5 and dance around on the way into work, then you are a fucking liar, and you deserve to wear a fucking Scarlet Letter just like that slut in that book.
Huckabee: This guy is just fucking nuts, he doesn’t believe in evolution and wants to get rid of all taxes, yet for some reason there are people out there that think he would become a great president. Who are these people, did they ever hear of a little thing called science? Oh and outlaw abortion, that sounds like a great idea. I’m sure that won’t cause an outcry by all the Pro-Choice people aka “Sluts who like it better without a condom.”
McCain: On the surface, McCain seems like a great candidate. Naval Academy graduate, conservative but not too far right wing, even to the point where there was talk that he would run on a bi-partisan ticket in 2004, and anti-Bush. However, along with that Naval Academy education came a nice extended stay in a POW camp. I’ve seen Deer Hunter, I know what goes on at those places. Honestly, what would it look like for this country if at a dinner with some East Asian president, the Asian president said some trigger word and McCain just went fucking apes hit running around screaming out Vietnamese words in a fit of rage that inevitably ends up crying, naked in the shower.
Obama: “Is this country ready for a Black president?” This thought provoking question was posed to me recently by some homeless man on the Metro. After trying unsuccessfully to plug my nose to avoid the smell of this waste of life, it got me to thinking. I could lie and say it took me a long time, but it did not take me long to figure out the answer. No. I mean to be honest, you can sit there in your fucking bubble and say, “Oh yeah, I’m color blind” or “Racism is a thing of the past” but come on its out there, the only difference is that people don’t talk about it. And once all those Middle Americans who are scared to death of Terrorism find out that his middle name is Hussein, well, they are going to be ready to label him as a member of Al Queda.
Hillary: As someone who doesn’t get periods, I’m not quite sure how this shit works exactly and the mood swings that occur. But, honestly, doesn’t this shit scare people? I mean, couldn’t you see Hillary in some meeting with foreign dignitaries while “riding the crimson tide” and have someone say something she doesn’t quite agree with, and her just snapping and screaming, “You just don’t understand me Belgium!!” and then giving some rant about how if Belgium really wants to hang out with the leaders of Switzerland and Germany, then he should. I mean maybe if she could prove that she’s been through menopause it might be a different story, but still, we’re not in any position to have her risking our nation just because some country’s Prime Minister is not that into her. Not to mention all the bear attacks on the White House which are no doubt inevitable.
Hopefully I was able to offend the last 3 female readers with that rant, but for all of you who are still on board, your probably saying, “So, Ned’s younger brother, if that is your real name, what the fuck do you suggest I do about it?” Funny you should ask, because I have got five great candidates, all in the mold of past presidents. So, while you sit there talking shit about my Country, just know that Ned’s Younger Brother is not going to sit on his haunches and wait for change, hes going to promote it.
#5 Detective Jimmy McNulty (John F. Kennedy)
If you don’t know who this is, shame on you, get a subscription to Netflix and start with the first season of “The Wire” it’s the best thing you will do this year, fuck make it a Lenten promise that you will finish the first two seasons before Good Friday. Anyways, McNulty, an Irish Catholic, is a man’s man. Drinks all the time, womanizer, fucking hilarious and untouchable because he is also a pretty fucking badass cop. JFK had a lot of these qualities as we saw with him banging Marilyn Monroe. McNulty believes in justice and to be honest with you, if I were fucking Al Queda I would pray that McNulty weren’t the next president.
#4 Kim Kardashian (Bill Clinton)
“This fucking no talent ass clown has no place on this list” you are probably saying. And I would tend to agree with you, but come on, something has to be said about someone who has literally no talent, and is only known for her sex tape with Ray Jay, and her engagement to Reggie Bush, having her own amazing TV show. In fact, it has been reported that some unnamed blogger might have seen a few too many episodes. But seriously, it has to take a lot of charisma to go from upscale Hollywood club slut to famous sex tape diva, much like an Arkansas governor’s rise to President back in the early ‘90’s. Not to mention their raging whorish sexual tendencies.
#3. Mr. Tuttle (Lyndon Johnson/Ronald Reagan)
If you are asking me who this is, you have another thing coming to you. Everyone knows that Mr. Tuttle was a teacher at Bayside High back in the early '90's and has since moved on to having heart attacks and pedophilia. Well, the second part of that sentence may or may not be true. Nevertheless, the former Driver's Ed and Glee Club instructor would make quite the candidate for the position. Being one of the few teachers at Bayside that actually respected Zack Morris, this Renaissance man not only was a favored teacher by the student body, but he was also the next in line to take over the role of Principal at Bayside, once Mr. Belding kicked it. This didnt' strike Belding at all and he and Tuttle often butted heads. Who could ever forget the time when both Belding and Tuttle were trying to leave the classroom at the same time only to get stuck in the door frame together in a moment that ranks up there as one of the most hilarious moments in the history of not only television, but in the history of time. The way Mr. Tuttle would stick up for himself unlike that bitch Ms. Bliss, who would just take it from Mr. Belding, was inspiring and his fortitude reminds me of Ronald Reagan screaming at that Russian with the AIDS lesion on his head, Gorbachev to take down that wall. A vote for Tuttle is a vote for a better Bayside, speaking of which the episode where Becky the goose dies in the oil spill was on last night, what a tear jerker.
#2: Larry Craig (James Buchanan, the only unmarried president)
I know what you are saying, "why do you have to pick on the gay guy?" Well you know what, you are being the homophobic bastard in this case because it is pretty obvious to me that this guy is not gay. Come on now, if you are a guy out there and even if you are a girl, tell me with a straight face that you have never had your stance accidentally get a little too wide and end up tapping the patron next to you. Who knew that this was the universal homo signal for anonymous gay bathroom stall oral sex. Not me. Obviously not Senator Craig. Believe you me, I come from a college with a notorious glory hole which was located in our Campus Center, I should know about this behavior. I mean, come on there were cold, lonely nights at William and Mary. But seriously, we did have a glory hole in one of our main buildings and it wasn't until the campus newspaper "The Flathat" (get it? we went to school in Colonial Williamsburg!!!) wrote an expose on the hole and the weekend activities surrounding it. At that point, Campus police decided they had had enough of the local erotic Boo Radley and cemented the hole. Back to the topic, Craig would make a great president because he has been able to fight through all this negative press and in my eyes has come out looking like a hero. And for those of you who still think he might be gay, might I remind you of the fact that Larry Craig is married and therefore it is impossible for him to be gay. If you don't believe me, I suggest you check out a little website called http://www.wikipedia.org/ and type in "marriage." The defense rests your honor.
#1. Hannah Montana (George W. Bush)
I want to ask you to think back to the 2004 election. Bush was going up against Kerry and the nation was entirely against Bush. The world was against Bush, they couldn't believe that we had elected him in 2000, and they couldn't believe that he was about to be elected again in 2004. I couldn't believe this shit either and really couldn't believe that anyone my age would ever support "W," but that was until I started checking the AIM profiles. Many would be in support of "anyone but Bush" but then you would check out those of the rich, white, girls from the South. Amazingly, girls of this persuasion would all inexplicably have a gigantic blue "W" in their profile. Are you kidding me? When pressed about this the ultimate conclusion would be that "My Daddy love W so I do too." Shocker that you would side with him since your Daddy is paying for all your Sorority formal dresses and Plan B pills. So who better to lead the young rich white snobs of this country than Hannah Montana herself. Honestly, the Hannah Montana concert is going for more money than tickets would if they were to reunite McCartney and Starr with a resurrected Harrison and Lennon who were put on strings as if they were in "Weekend at Bernie's" to sing "I Am the Walrus." Seriously, though, who doesn't love that hit song she has on the radio that sounds a lot like "I wear my sunglasses at night." If you tell me that you don't pump up the volume when that shit comes on the HOT morning Mess on HOT 99.5 and dance around on the way into work, then you are a fucking liar, and you deserve to wear a fucking Scarlet Letter just like that slut in that book.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Anti-Christ Superstar
As I expressed in last week's blog, I am not very pleased with the work that Dan Snyder has done with your Washington Redskins. He's angered many Redskins fans and its even gotten to the point where if Snyder were assassinated, I don't think that many people would be all that upset. Now after much soul searching I've come up with an explanation for all of these awful actions which Snyder has inexplicably acted upon. These acts are so heinous in nature that there really is only one way to characterize him. Daniel Snyder is the Anti-Christ. Sure you're probably sitting there thinking that I am being a little too harsh on the owner of the greatest franschise in world history, but step back a minute and get the fuck out of the box you spend most of your life. Doesn't this all make sense? Isn't everything coming into place, don't you feel like an idiot just like the second time you watched "The Sixth Sense," that is unless you are a fucking genius like me and figured that shit out the second that Donnie Wahlberg shot Bruce Willis. Anyways, all signs point to the fact that the Danny is indeed the Anti-christ. Still don't believe me, lets check out the top 5 reasons why:
#5. He has run Six Flags into the ground
What used to be a fun hangout for PG County gangs has digressed into a poorly run and failing Amusement Park. Shockingly this has happend since the Son of Satan himself took ownership of the park. In all seriousness though, don't you feel sorry for Snyder at times. He seems like his generation's Michael Jackson, like he never had a childhood. One of his first football memories is probably the Redskins winning it all back in 1983, so of course he has to go to the extreme and actually buy the Redskins as his toy. His parents probably never let him go to Wild World growing up and God knows he didnt have any friends to cut school with and go, so again he goes to the extreme and fucking buys the park so he and his wife can shut down the park anytime they want to take their kids there. Even more proof of a lost childhood is his friendship with Tom Cruise, but we'll discuss that later.
#4. Vinny Cerrato is his right hand man
Through all of these ridiculous off season transpirings, one thing has remained clear, and that is as long as Daniel Snyder is around, Vinny Cerrato will have a job. For those of you who don't know, Vinny used to work for the 49ers during their glory years, however his role was not one of high power. He was relegated to working at ESPN with no one even giving him a sniff at another Front Office position. That is of course, until Daniel Snyder aka Beelzelbub, came knocking with an offer that Cerrato could not refuse. The deal included full control of personnel with unlimited resources in a role that would resemble a General Manager in every aspect save for the name. What would Cerrato have to give up in exchange for this positon....oh not much, only his fucking soul, much like a hooker does the first time she turns a trick. Since his hiring he has made some of the most idiotic moves in the history of sports such as giving up high draft picks for TJ Duckett and Brandon Lloyd, not to mention the astronomical and unnecessary contracts he has negotiated for players and coaches. No one in town likes Vinny, so of course what does Hitler Youth Daniel Snyder do, of course he gives him a promotion, I mean who could really blame him, I would too if someone gave me their soul.
#3. Snyder children are anti-Christs in training
When I first saw Snyder and his bride, I could only think of one thing, thats right - true love. Odds are that she and Danny were high school sweethearts and were married well before Snyder ever amassed any of his fortune. I mean for you girls out there reading this, who wouldn't fall hard for a 5'5'' nerd with horn rimmed glasses, a sick mustasche, and a nasty case of a Napoleon complex. Honestly, I know Snyder is worth billions but how can you ever respect yourself for marrying for money. I guess the same can be said for a guy who marries some Playboy model, the only difference is, guys have the ability of shutting their wife up with a swift jab to the temple. No one will ever say it but America was a much better place when domestic violence was acceptable. Thats right I said it. Suck on that shit, Betty Friedan!
Anyways, if you are like me and have seen the Devil's Advocate like 20 times, mainly for the nudity mind you, you know exactly what Snyder and his wife are doing. They came together (sick double entrendre) to create the ultimate devil child, and no I am not talking about a kid with AIDS....this time. Unfortunately for us, they were very sucessful in doing so and have 2 daughters aka Satan sluts, and one son who is better known as heir to Satan's throne. As painful as it is to have the Anti-Christ himself running the Redskins, just imagine what type of reign the new more powerful son of Satan will bring.
#2 His best friend is Tom Cruise
Honestly, Is Daniel Snyder living in the same world that we are? Of course not, he's the anti-christ. Just making sure you are paying attention. But seriously, at what point did Snyder decide, "You know what would be good for my image, being friends with a fucking lunatic and hanging out with him during games." My theory is this all boils down to that lost childhood we examined earlier. You know when he was a kid Snyder saw "Risky Business" and though Cruise was just the coolest and if only he could choreograph a slide across the floor in just his tighty whities perfectly, then maybe the neighborhood hooker wouldn't reject him like she always did. Interesting story about that, a friend of mine apparently was rejected by a hooker in Vegas, which places him in the very elite category as most pathetic human on Earth. But anyways, I digress. Do you think Snyder has just like this huge man crush on Cruise? I bet when he goes to the beach he wears nothing but blue jeans and dog tags. Do you think he has a mirror in his room for when hes getting frisky so he can stare into it just like Cruise did in Eyes Wide Shut? What do you think Snyder and Cruise even talk about when they are just hanging out? How much it sucks to be really short? What its like to raise their respective Satan Sluts (Suri of course being a Scientologist Satan Slut)? I just don't see what these two have in common, other than the fact that they both hate God.
#1 He has run the Redskins Franchise into the ground
"If you don't love the Redskins, you deserve to die" - God, "The Bible"
Sure Danny pretends to like the Redskins, by jumping up and down like a little school girl and screaming when they have a big play, but that is all show. You know what they say, The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn't exist. Thats exactly what Snyder is doing right here. There was a time where football in DC was a fun time. I remember as a youngling going to RFK to watch the Skins play and sitting on the lower level right next to the players. Of course I didn't pay for it because I come from a privileged childhood, but I don't think it was all that expensive. These days Snyder decides to test the allegience of die hard fans by charging outrageous prices for seats, parking, and beer and food. We as Skins fans will stand by anything that is put out on that field, but come on please don't treat us like idiots. It was common knowledge that Redskins fans stood behind one prospective head coach, Gregg Williams, who apparently told Snyder he would not be his little bitch Snyder didn't like this at all and announced that Williams would be fired. Knowing there would be such a negative response from the Redskins faithful, Snyder spread the rumor that Williams was talking shit about Joe Gibbs and that was the reason why he was fired. Which is just absolute bulshit. The truth is, Daniel Snyder has no football knowledge whatsoever, however has such an incredible Napoleon complex that he gets flashbacks of big mean football players in high school pushing him around and has to do it all himself.
Solution: Snyder can keep the team, even though he is the anti-Christ himself, if he can get someone who knows something about football to make all the football decisions. So Danny, if you are reading this, and I know you are, I will apologize for calling her two daughters under the age of 3 Satan sluts as long as you give power to make football decisions to someone other than your ass-puppet Vinny Cerrato. Sure you can keep charging people for their "stupidity" of being Redskins fans, but you will never be a hero in the city until you realize that we don't care how tall you are.
#5. He has run Six Flags into the ground
What used to be a fun hangout for PG County gangs has digressed into a poorly run and failing Amusement Park. Shockingly this has happend since the Son of Satan himself took ownership of the park. In all seriousness though, don't you feel sorry for Snyder at times. He seems like his generation's Michael Jackson, like he never had a childhood. One of his first football memories is probably the Redskins winning it all back in 1983, so of course he has to go to the extreme and actually buy the Redskins as his toy. His parents probably never let him go to Wild World growing up and God knows he didnt have any friends to cut school with and go, so again he goes to the extreme and fucking buys the park so he and his wife can shut down the park anytime they want to take their kids there. Even more proof of a lost childhood is his friendship with Tom Cruise, but we'll discuss that later.
#4. Vinny Cerrato is his right hand man
Through all of these ridiculous off season transpirings, one thing has remained clear, and that is as long as Daniel Snyder is around, Vinny Cerrato will have a job. For those of you who don't know, Vinny used to work for the 49ers during their glory years, however his role was not one of high power. He was relegated to working at ESPN with no one even giving him a sniff at another Front Office position. That is of course, until Daniel Snyder aka Beelzelbub, came knocking with an offer that Cerrato could not refuse. The deal included full control of personnel with unlimited resources in a role that would resemble a General Manager in every aspect save for the name. What would Cerrato have to give up in exchange for this positon....oh not much, only his fucking soul, much like a hooker does the first time she turns a trick. Since his hiring he has made some of the most idiotic moves in the history of sports such as giving up high draft picks for TJ Duckett and Brandon Lloyd, not to mention the astronomical and unnecessary contracts he has negotiated for players and coaches. No one in town likes Vinny, so of course what does Hitler Youth Daniel Snyder do, of course he gives him a promotion, I mean who could really blame him, I would too if someone gave me their soul.
#3. Snyder children are anti-Christs in training
When I first saw Snyder and his bride, I could only think of one thing, thats right - true love. Odds are that she and Danny were high school sweethearts and were married well before Snyder ever amassed any of his fortune. I mean for you girls out there reading this, who wouldn't fall hard for a 5'5'' nerd with horn rimmed glasses, a sick mustasche, and a nasty case of a Napoleon complex. Honestly, I know Snyder is worth billions but how can you ever respect yourself for marrying for money. I guess the same can be said for a guy who marries some Playboy model, the only difference is, guys have the ability of shutting their wife up with a swift jab to the temple. No one will ever say it but America was a much better place when domestic violence was acceptable. Thats right I said it. Suck on that shit, Betty Friedan!
Anyways, if you are like me and have seen the Devil's Advocate like 20 times, mainly for the nudity mind you, you know exactly what Snyder and his wife are doing. They came together (sick double entrendre) to create the ultimate devil child, and no I am not talking about a kid with AIDS....this time. Unfortunately for us, they were very sucessful in doing so and have 2 daughters aka Satan sluts, and one son who is better known as heir to Satan's throne. As painful as it is to have the Anti-Christ himself running the Redskins, just imagine what type of reign the new more powerful son of Satan will bring.
#2 His best friend is Tom Cruise
Honestly, Is Daniel Snyder living in the same world that we are? Of course not, he's the anti-christ. Just making sure you are paying attention. But seriously, at what point did Snyder decide, "You know what would be good for my image, being friends with a fucking lunatic and hanging out with him during games." My theory is this all boils down to that lost childhood we examined earlier. You know when he was a kid Snyder saw "Risky Business" and though Cruise was just the coolest and if only he could choreograph a slide across the floor in just his tighty whities perfectly, then maybe the neighborhood hooker wouldn't reject him like she always did. Interesting story about that, a friend of mine apparently was rejected by a hooker in Vegas, which places him in the very elite category as most pathetic human on Earth. But anyways, I digress. Do you think Snyder has just like this huge man crush on Cruise? I bet when he goes to the beach he wears nothing but blue jeans and dog tags. Do you think he has a mirror in his room for when hes getting frisky so he can stare into it just like Cruise did in Eyes Wide Shut? What do you think Snyder and Cruise even talk about when they are just hanging out? How much it sucks to be really short? What its like to raise their respective Satan Sluts (Suri of course being a Scientologist Satan Slut)? I just don't see what these two have in common, other than the fact that they both hate God.
#1 He has run the Redskins Franchise into the ground
"If you don't love the Redskins, you deserve to die" - God, "The Bible"
Sure Danny pretends to like the Redskins, by jumping up and down like a little school girl and screaming when they have a big play, but that is all show. You know what they say, The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn't exist. Thats exactly what Snyder is doing right here. There was a time where football in DC was a fun time. I remember as a youngling going to RFK to watch the Skins play and sitting on the lower level right next to the players. Of course I didn't pay for it because I come from a privileged childhood, but I don't think it was all that expensive. These days Snyder decides to test the allegience of die hard fans by charging outrageous prices for seats, parking, and beer and food. We as Skins fans will stand by anything that is put out on that field, but come on please don't treat us like idiots. It was common knowledge that Redskins fans stood behind one prospective head coach, Gregg Williams, who apparently told Snyder he would not be his little bitch Snyder didn't like this at all and announced that Williams would be fired. Knowing there would be such a negative response from the Redskins faithful, Snyder spread the rumor that Williams was talking shit about Joe Gibbs and that was the reason why he was fired. Which is just absolute bulshit. The truth is, Daniel Snyder has no football knowledge whatsoever, however has such an incredible Napoleon complex that he gets flashbacks of big mean football players in high school pushing him around and has to do it all himself.
Solution: Snyder can keep the team, even though he is the anti-Christ himself, if he can get someone who knows something about football to make all the football decisions. So Danny, if you are reading this, and I know you are, I will apologize for calling her two daughters under the age of 3 Satan sluts as long as you give power to make football decisions to someone other than your ass-puppet Vinny Cerrato. Sure you can keep charging people for their "stupidity" of being Redskins fans, but you will never be a hero in the city until you realize that we don't care how tall you are.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Give me my stories!
Nothing is official yet so I’m not going to base this entire blog on the awful news that is going to be coming out of Redskins Park tomorrow morning. Jim Fassel? Are you kidding me Snyder? Not to mention your trump card of promoting Vinny Cerrato and hiring Rex Ryan and Jim Fucking Zorn as the offensive coordinator. Really? Is Jim Zorn, the quarterbacks coach for the Seahawks really the answer? “Well, we just love the work he’s done with Seneca Wallace over the past couple years, and Jason Campbell is a Black Quarterback, so what the hell, we’ll give it a shot!” Please Snyder, please get over your Napoleon complex and realize you don’t know shit about football and let a general manager do the football aspect of the business. Look at how the Wizards are doing without your fellow Jewish brethren Abe Pollin interfering and letting Ernie Grunfield run the show. If I were an anti-semetic man I might be prone to saying something to the effect of “The Redskins would be better off had Snyder’s grandparents died in Auschwitz” but I’m not anti-semetic so I’m just not going to stoop to the level of saying something like that, and anyone who thinks that is just wrong. Yeah, I’m talking to you, you fucking anti-semite. Open your eyes and stop acting so ignorant.
Anyways, nothing is definite yet, I’m still holding out hope that this is all smoke and mirrors and some amazing mystery candidate appears, maybe like a Don Shula? Word on the street is that there is an up and coming candidate about 2 hours South of DC by the name of Jimmye “my parents were the retards from the movie ‘The Other Sister’ and didn’t know how to spell ’Jimmy’” Laycocke. I just don’t know if he’ll be convinced to leave William and Mary. I don’t know, anyone but Fassel.
Sure, the Redskins situation is obviously bothering me. Sure it makes me angry enough that I’ve considered making a sign much like that in “School Ties” and posting it in front of Daniel Snyder’s house. But, you know what, at the end of the day I can resist these urges because you know what I have to take my thoughts away from these awful hate crimes? That’s right, my friends on television dramas and sitcoms. It’s been so great to see how Pam and Jim are able to deal with their office relationship. Not to mention how that slut redheaded doctor from “Grey’s Anatomy” has been able to deal with her own practice, but at the same time how she’s able to balance her busy schedule with her search for the Mr. Right that everyone knows she needs oh so badly. This new season of 24 is pretty fucking kickass too! What’s that? You don’t know what I’m talking about? Maybe that’s the because the FUCKING WRITERS ARE STILL ON FUCKING STRIKE!!! I realize the writers are the lifeblood behind all these shows and they are really getting screwed by the executives, but come on, can’t you guys just come to some sort of a compromise. There’s only so many times I can watch the Diwali episode of “The Office.” This shit has to end, and here are the top 5 reasons why:
#5 - Conan and Letterman need to shave those fucking beards
Sure its great that they have decided show solidarity and grow their beards out in support of the writers, but seriously they need to go. Sure this doesn’t sound like that big of a deal, but please understand where I am coming from. As a 25 year old man who still is unable to grow a beard and walk out in public without being arrested under the suspicion that I am an escaped pedophile, I feel as though Conan and Letterman are really rubbing this shit in. Yeah, its not a big deal, but the shit hurts man. Its fucking emasculating. I am not the night owl that I let on to be, so I haven’t actually been able to watch either of these shows, although I have to think they are pretty shitty. I would think that Conan is probably doing pretty well for himself because he seems like he does a lot of the writing for the show himself, but the Tonight show must just be fucking awful.
#4 - Three words: Monday Night RAW
I really can’t believe it myself, but this shit has actually happened. We’ve actually resorted to watching portions of WWE wrestling. You tell me with a straight face that you don’t get goose bumps when the lights go out and the gong goes wild as The Undertaker walks into the ring. If you don’t you are a liar or Heath Ledger (too soon?) I mean the great thing about this is that it doesn’t need writers because this shit is all real. For example, since I’ve tuned in I’ve learned that Vince McMahon has an illegitimate midget son name “Hornswaggle” who is Irish! See what I’m saying, you can’t make this shit up! What’s that you say, why am I watching this trash? Why don’t I just go read a book? Because I’m not a faggot, that’s why.
#3. Cable movies are awful
Sure it sounded like a great idea when we decided to throw down $150 to have the premium cable package with 10 HBO's, 2 Showtimes and shitloads of Encore channels. Sure all those channels were so amazing that we barely left the house, I mean honestly, what warm blooded American man would with Cathouse on demand. Sure the HBO original series are worth the price alone, but seriously, for all the money which we are throwing down, you would think that HBO would invest in some halfway decent movies, or at least a variety of movies. For example, HBO is trotting out their big movie premier this week of Epic Movie. You know its one of those movies that is just endless spoofs of recent movies much like the model of Scary Movie, only much much worse. Honestly, who out there is going to these movies so that they can keep getting made. Anyone who paid $10 to watch Date Movie in the theaters doesn't deserve to live. You are what is wrong with America. And who is out there greenlighting movies like "Meet the Spartans," better yet, who sat there while watching 300, one of the greatest movies of our time, and was just licking their chops thinking, "We are going to spoof the shit out of this!!" And then HBO just encourages them by forcing their paying customers to watch this shit. Not to mention all the other crap that they show. I swear, if Lady in the Water is on one more time I might just go "boom boom boom" on everyone.
#2. American Gladiators is back
This was just a genius move by NBC, why would you need writers when you can have reality competitons such as American Gladiators. Everyone loved the Gladiators 15 years ago when they beat the shit out of undersized competitors, and why would now be any different. So they built a new set, added some fog and light shows, and introduced HGH and voila, you have a hit! I really wonder if there are people out there who follow this closely and root for a particular Gladiator. I think the hottest thing about the female Gladiators is that they have probably taken so many steroids and testosterone that there is no possible way that they can get pregnant. No pulling out necessary = very sexy. Unfortunately, gentlemen, I read an article recently stating that nearly all of the original American Gladiator females were lesbians, which is by far the most shocking thing I have ever heard. I also love the way that Hulk Hogan has shown what a dynamic entertainer he is with his gripping interviews with the contestants. Talk about hard hitting journalism, hopefully he gets some recognition from the Pulitzer committee.
#1 Reality TV has taken over
Sure reality television was pretty cool when it first started to take off about 10 years ago with the original pure Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and the first Survivor. Of course I am a little biased since I acquired a disease from Colleen from Survivor. Of course I was 2 years old and the disease was chicken pox, but still it gives me a chance to drop a pretty sweet name. Anyways, times have changed, since Colleen left the island we've seen 10 more seasons of white trash Americans head off to Survivor Island. Reality game shows are in much worse shape. Just take a fucking look at the trash which is currently entertaining America. "Are you smarter than a fifth grader" proves once and for all, Americans are fucking retarded. How can you take yourself seriously if you sit there and try to beat these little elementary school faggots? This is not the worst though. If you have ever watched "1 versus 100" and screamed "MOB!!" at the screen, I hope you get cancer and die. I would also like to know how "Deal or No Deal" is still putting up huge numbers in the ratings. The sad part is that somewhere out there there is some idiot sitting there on the edge of his seat waiting for the banker to give his offer. Then once the banker lowballs the contestant the man stands up and yells, "FUCK YOU BANKER, THAT IS BULLSHIT!!!" I guess I just wish my father wouldn't scream on Christmas...
Anyways, nothing is definite yet, I’m still holding out hope that this is all smoke and mirrors and some amazing mystery candidate appears, maybe like a Don Shula? Word on the street is that there is an up and coming candidate about 2 hours South of DC by the name of Jimmye “my parents were the retards from the movie ‘The Other Sister’ and didn’t know how to spell ’Jimmy’” Laycocke. I just don’t know if he’ll be convinced to leave William and Mary. I don’t know, anyone but Fassel.
Sure, the Redskins situation is obviously bothering me. Sure it makes me angry enough that I’ve considered making a sign much like that in “School Ties” and posting it in front of Daniel Snyder’s house. But, you know what, at the end of the day I can resist these urges because you know what I have to take my thoughts away from these awful hate crimes? That’s right, my friends on television dramas and sitcoms. It’s been so great to see how Pam and Jim are able to deal with their office relationship. Not to mention how that slut redheaded doctor from “Grey’s Anatomy” has been able to deal with her own practice, but at the same time how she’s able to balance her busy schedule with her search for the Mr. Right that everyone knows she needs oh so badly. This new season of 24 is pretty fucking kickass too! What’s that? You don’t know what I’m talking about? Maybe that’s the because the FUCKING WRITERS ARE STILL ON FUCKING STRIKE!!! I realize the writers are the lifeblood behind all these shows and they are really getting screwed by the executives, but come on, can’t you guys just come to some sort of a compromise. There’s only so many times I can watch the Diwali episode of “The Office.” This shit has to end, and here are the top 5 reasons why:
#5 - Conan and Letterman need to shave those fucking beards
Sure its great that they have decided show solidarity and grow their beards out in support of the writers, but seriously they need to go. Sure this doesn’t sound like that big of a deal, but please understand where I am coming from. As a 25 year old man who still is unable to grow a beard and walk out in public without being arrested under the suspicion that I am an escaped pedophile, I feel as though Conan and Letterman are really rubbing this shit in. Yeah, its not a big deal, but the shit hurts man. Its fucking emasculating. I am not the night owl that I let on to be, so I haven’t actually been able to watch either of these shows, although I have to think they are pretty shitty. I would think that Conan is probably doing pretty well for himself because he seems like he does a lot of the writing for the show himself, but the Tonight show must just be fucking awful.
#4 - Three words: Monday Night RAW
I really can’t believe it myself, but this shit has actually happened. We’ve actually resorted to watching portions of WWE wrestling. You tell me with a straight face that you don’t get goose bumps when the lights go out and the gong goes wild as The Undertaker walks into the ring. If you don’t you are a liar or Heath Ledger (too soon?) I mean the great thing about this is that it doesn’t need writers because this shit is all real. For example, since I’ve tuned in I’ve learned that Vince McMahon has an illegitimate midget son name “Hornswaggle” who is Irish! See what I’m saying, you can’t make this shit up! What’s that you say, why am I watching this trash? Why don’t I just go read a book? Because I’m not a faggot, that’s why.
#3. Cable movies are awful
Sure it sounded like a great idea when we decided to throw down $150 to have the premium cable package with 10 HBO's, 2 Showtimes and shitloads of Encore channels. Sure all those channels were so amazing that we barely left the house, I mean honestly, what warm blooded American man would with Cathouse on demand. Sure the HBO original series are worth the price alone, but seriously, for all the money which we are throwing down, you would think that HBO would invest in some halfway decent movies, or at least a variety of movies. For example, HBO is trotting out their big movie premier this week of Epic Movie. You know its one of those movies that is just endless spoofs of recent movies much like the model of Scary Movie, only much much worse. Honestly, who out there is going to these movies so that they can keep getting made. Anyone who paid $10 to watch Date Movie in the theaters doesn't deserve to live. You are what is wrong with America. And who is out there greenlighting movies like "Meet the Spartans," better yet, who sat there while watching 300, one of the greatest movies of our time, and was just licking their chops thinking, "We are going to spoof the shit out of this!!" And then HBO just encourages them by forcing their paying customers to watch this shit. Not to mention all the other crap that they show. I swear, if Lady in the Water is on one more time I might just go "boom boom boom" on everyone.
#2. American Gladiators is back
This was just a genius move by NBC, why would you need writers when you can have reality competitons such as American Gladiators. Everyone loved the Gladiators 15 years ago when they beat the shit out of undersized competitors, and why would now be any different. So they built a new set, added some fog and light shows, and introduced HGH and voila, you have a hit! I really wonder if there are people out there who follow this closely and root for a particular Gladiator. I think the hottest thing about the female Gladiators is that they have probably taken so many steroids and testosterone that there is no possible way that they can get pregnant. No pulling out necessary = very sexy. Unfortunately, gentlemen, I read an article recently stating that nearly all of the original American Gladiator females were lesbians, which is by far the most shocking thing I have ever heard. I also love the way that Hulk Hogan has shown what a dynamic entertainer he is with his gripping interviews with the contestants. Talk about hard hitting journalism, hopefully he gets some recognition from the Pulitzer committee.
#1 Reality TV has taken over
Sure reality television was pretty cool when it first started to take off about 10 years ago with the original pure Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and the first Survivor. Of course I am a little biased since I acquired a disease from Colleen from Survivor. Of course I was 2 years old and the disease was chicken pox, but still it gives me a chance to drop a pretty sweet name. Anyways, times have changed, since Colleen left the island we've seen 10 more seasons of white trash Americans head off to Survivor Island. Reality game shows are in much worse shape. Just take a fucking look at the trash which is currently entertaining America. "Are you smarter than a fifth grader" proves once and for all, Americans are fucking retarded. How can you take yourself seriously if you sit there and try to beat these little elementary school faggots? This is not the worst though. If you have ever watched "1 versus 100" and screamed "MOB!!" at the screen, I hope you get cancer and die. I would also like to know how "Deal or No Deal" is still putting up huge numbers in the ratings. The sad part is that somewhere out there there is some idiot sitting there on the edge of his seat waiting for the banker to give his offer. Then once the banker lowballs the contestant the man stands up and yells, "FUCK YOU BANKER, THAT IS BULLSHIT!!!" I guess I just wish my father wouldn't scream on Christmas...
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Brett Favre: American Hero? More like American Zero!
I’m sorry.
I haven’t been there for you faithful readers all week long and it pains me as much as I’m sure as it pains you. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the past couple weeks, and I’m having a tough time deciding which movie the Redskins frantic run down the stretch of the regular season resembles, “The Sixth Man” or “Angels in the Outfield.“ On one hand “The Sixth Man” refers to their star player, Dwayne Wayne from “A Different World” dying, and coming back to help them win the NCAA Championship in basketball, however I really think “Angels in the Outfield” is more applicable. Couldn’t you just see Joe Gibbs having a conversation with that little faggot from “Third Rock from the Sun” about him seeing an angel helping the washed up quarterback Todd Collins, much like they did to Tony Danza? I could definitely see this shit. It would make sense too because everyone knows angels can’t help in playoff games. That’s why Collins fucked up so much. Let’s just hope that Todd Collins doesn’t face the same fate as Mel Clark, who we were informed died 3 months after the Angels made the playoffs in a cruel lesson to kids that they shouldn’t smoke.
Anyways, after much demand for a new entry from numerous readers, I have decided to bring on the NFC Championship edition of the blog. As many of you know, the Green Bay Packers and New York Football Giants are meeting this Sunday on the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field and no doubt you will be hearing a lot about Brett Favre, longtime record breaking quarterback of the Packers. This season he has shattered numerous quarterback records held by Dan “I fucked Ray Finkel” Marino. You’ll also be hearing quite a bit of talk about the heroic efforts that have propelled the Pack to be the favorite to be the NFC’s representative for the Super Bowl. Sure Brett Favre has put up some gaudy numbers and helped turn around a franchise which was headed for an Aaron Rogers era. Sure he’s an inspiration to every young quaterback coming out of a small town in the South. But let’s set things straight right now. Brett Favre is no fucking hero. He’s far from it. Why you might ask? Well let’s take a look at the top 5 reasons why Brett Favre is NOT a hero:
#5. Alltime interception leader
Sure, many of Dan Marino’s records have fallen this year, but no one ever talks about the fact that he set the biggest loser record of them all, the interceptions record. And guess who caught that record breaking interception? That’s right Sean Taylor. Honestly, I think things might have been a lot different for the Packers the past 15 years had they given a young quarterback from Washington a chance back in ‘94. Sure they won a Superbowl, but just imagine the dynasty had future Hall of Famer Mark Brunell would have led the Packers to had he just been given the opportunity. I’m not sure if you are aware, but Brunell holds a record of his own, and it does not involve completions to the other team. That’s right 22 straight completions to start the game. Eat that shit Favre. I’m just happy that Brunell will be entering the Hall as a member of the Redskins, thank you Packers for that shit, you can have your loser interception king.
#4. Awful Actor
Honestly, is there anyone out there that thinks they can’t do a better job than Brett Favre did in “There Something about Mary?” I mean seriously, was he high during that scene? Talk about bringing the movie to a screeching halt when he comes bouncing in the room with that fat retard on his back. “You are the only one for me, Mary.” Fucking please, I admit when I first saw that as a 14 year old I was going ape shit when he came out, but come on 14 year old me also got a boner from that old lady Magda‘s tittays, so that should give you some sort of indication of how poor he performed. You would think he would have some sort of charismatic quality to carry that one scene. Fuck, OJ Simpson was hilarious in Naked Gun and he fucking killed two people!
#3. Fucking Idiot
I mean how many ‘heroes’ do you know that can’t even pronounce their last name? I know, I know, you are thinking Helen Keller, but you are wrong. It‘s not her fault though, she was born with the fact that she was a woman.. Come on, honestly name a woman who was a hero? Amelia Earhardt? I don’t think getting lost flying a plane classifies you as a hero. Betsy Ross? Yeah, way to sew! “Sure she’s perpetuating the female stereotype, but she’s doing it for America! What a hero!” Anyways that’s besides the point, how the hell do you pronounce Favre “Farve?” Were his parents in-breds? I mean I know his grandparents were part Native American but that shouldn’t be an excuse. Is his family too proud to admit that they couldn’t spell on Brett’s birth certificate and just keep going like nothing happened? How has no one ever demanded answers to these questions? What kind of ‘hero’ hides from his past?? Come clean with it Brett,: admit your parents are in-breds who can’t spell and we’ll get off your back once and for all.
#2. Booze Hound and Drug Addict
How many of my heroes can I name who are addicted to both alcohol and drugs? One. My father. But seriously, what type of example is this guy setting for kids when he’s sitting there popping pills and washing them down with Brewskis. I have to be honest, I used to look up to Brett when I was younger and look what he’s done to me. Now, I’m forced into a lifestyle where every time I wake up in the morning I have to walk around my bedroom barefoot feeling for wet spots in places I may or may not have drunkenly peed in overnight. Just imagine if I weren’t the mature young man that I am, think of what Favre’s lessons could do to the world when placed in the wrong hands.
#1. Your Dad dying and your wife getting cancer does NOT mean you are a hero
This is the perhaps the most prolific reason that Brett Favre is elevated to hero status. Remember that Monday Night Game a couple years back the day after his Dad died and John Madden just about sucked Brett off from the booth talking about how he was the greatest quarterback ever just because his father had just died the night before. News flash, everyone’s Dad is going to die at some point. Hell, half of Favre’s teammates probably didn’t even have a Dad at all (the Black players) so why is Brett so special? Sure its sad that his Dad died, but that doesn’t mean he gets to be some sort of hero.
People also will allude to the fact that his wife survived breast cancer and it was so heroic how he was able to be with his wife as well as continue is football duties. It’s a fact that he and his wife are Roman Catholic. Another fact is that Brett and his wife were married in 1996, although they had a daughter together in 1989. Whaa???? How could that be? Could it be, no….did God punish Brett’s wife for having an out of wedlock aka “devil” baby?? And somehow this awful sin against God is greeted with the anointment of Brett Favre as a hero?? I don’t think so. Not on my watch.
Picks for the weekend:
Chargers + 14.5
Packers - 7.5
I haven’t been there for you faithful readers all week long and it pains me as much as I’m sure as it pains you. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the past couple weeks, and I’m having a tough time deciding which movie the Redskins frantic run down the stretch of the regular season resembles, “The Sixth Man” or “Angels in the Outfield.“ On one hand “The Sixth Man” refers to their star player, Dwayne Wayne from “A Different World” dying, and coming back to help them win the NCAA Championship in basketball, however I really think “Angels in the Outfield” is more applicable. Couldn’t you just see Joe Gibbs having a conversation with that little faggot from “Third Rock from the Sun” about him seeing an angel helping the washed up quarterback Todd Collins, much like they did to Tony Danza? I could definitely see this shit. It would make sense too because everyone knows angels can’t help in playoff games. That’s why Collins fucked up so much. Let’s just hope that Todd Collins doesn’t face the same fate as Mel Clark, who we were informed died 3 months after the Angels made the playoffs in a cruel lesson to kids that they shouldn’t smoke.
Anyways, after much demand for a new entry from numerous readers, I have decided to bring on the NFC Championship edition of the blog. As many of you know, the Green Bay Packers and New York Football Giants are meeting this Sunday on the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field and no doubt you will be hearing a lot about Brett Favre, longtime record breaking quarterback of the Packers. This season he has shattered numerous quarterback records held by Dan “I fucked Ray Finkel” Marino. You’ll also be hearing quite a bit of talk about the heroic efforts that have propelled the Pack to be the favorite to be the NFC’s representative for the Super Bowl. Sure Brett Favre has put up some gaudy numbers and helped turn around a franchise which was headed for an Aaron Rogers era. Sure he’s an inspiration to every young quaterback coming out of a small town in the South. But let’s set things straight right now. Brett Favre is no fucking hero. He’s far from it. Why you might ask? Well let’s take a look at the top 5 reasons why Brett Favre is NOT a hero:
#5. Alltime interception leader
Sure, many of Dan Marino’s records have fallen this year, but no one ever talks about the fact that he set the biggest loser record of them all, the interceptions record. And guess who caught that record breaking interception? That’s right Sean Taylor. Honestly, I think things might have been a lot different for the Packers the past 15 years had they given a young quarterback from Washington a chance back in ‘94. Sure they won a Superbowl, but just imagine the dynasty had future Hall of Famer Mark Brunell would have led the Packers to had he just been given the opportunity. I’m not sure if you are aware, but Brunell holds a record of his own, and it does not involve completions to the other team. That’s right 22 straight completions to start the game. Eat that shit Favre. I’m just happy that Brunell will be entering the Hall as a member of the Redskins, thank you Packers for that shit, you can have your loser interception king.
#4. Awful Actor
Honestly, is there anyone out there that thinks they can’t do a better job than Brett Favre did in “There Something about Mary?” I mean seriously, was he high during that scene? Talk about bringing the movie to a screeching halt when he comes bouncing in the room with that fat retard on his back. “You are the only one for me, Mary.” Fucking please, I admit when I first saw that as a 14 year old I was going ape shit when he came out, but come on 14 year old me also got a boner from that old lady Magda‘s tittays, so that should give you some sort of indication of how poor he performed. You would think he would have some sort of charismatic quality to carry that one scene. Fuck, OJ Simpson was hilarious in Naked Gun and he fucking killed two people!
#3. Fucking Idiot
I mean how many ‘heroes’ do you know that can’t even pronounce their last name? I know, I know, you are thinking Helen Keller, but you are wrong. It‘s not her fault though, she was born with the fact that she was a woman.. Come on, honestly name a woman who was a hero? Amelia Earhardt? I don’t think getting lost flying a plane classifies you as a hero. Betsy Ross? Yeah, way to sew! “Sure she’s perpetuating the female stereotype, but she’s doing it for America! What a hero!” Anyways that’s besides the point, how the hell do you pronounce Favre “Farve?” Were his parents in-breds? I mean I know his grandparents were part Native American but that shouldn’t be an excuse. Is his family too proud to admit that they couldn’t spell on Brett’s birth certificate and just keep going like nothing happened? How has no one ever demanded answers to these questions? What kind of ‘hero’ hides from his past?? Come clean with it Brett,: admit your parents are in-breds who can’t spell and we’ll get off your back once and for all.
#2. Booze Hound and Drug Addict
How many of my heroes can I name who are addicted to both alcohol and drugs? One. My father. But seriously, what type of example is this guy setting for kids when he’s sitting there popping pills and washing them down with Brewskis. I have to be honest, I used to look up to Brett when I was younger and look what he’s done to me. Now, I’m forced into a lifestyle where every time I wake up in the morning I have to walk around my bedroom barefoot feeling for wet spots in places I may or may not have drunkenly peed in overnight. Just imagine if I weren’t the mature young man that I am, think of what Favre’s lessons could do to the world when placed in the wrong hands.
#1. Your Dad dying and your wife getting cancer does NOT mean you are a hero
This is the perhaps the most prolific reason that Brett Favre is elevated to hero status. Remember that Monday Night Game a couple years back the day after his Dad died and John Madden just about sucked Brett off from the booth talking about how he was the greatest quarterback ever just because his father had just died the night before. News flash, everyone’s Dad is going to die at some point. Hell, half of Favre’s teammates probably didn’t even have a Dad at all (the Black players) so why is Brett so special? Sure its sad that his Dad died, but that doesn’t mean he gets to be some sort of hero.
People also will allude to the fact that his wife survived breast cancer and it was so heroic how he was able to be with his wife as well as continue is football duties. It’s a fact that he and his wife are Roman Catholic. Another fact is that Brett and his wife were married in 1996, although they had a daughter together in 1989. Whaa???? How could that be? Could it be, no….did God punish Brett’s wife for having an out of wedlock aka “devil” baby?? And somehow this awful sin against God is greeted with the anointment of Brett Favre as a hero?? I don’t think so. Not on my watch.
Picks for the weekend:
Chargers + 14.5
Packers - 7.5
Friday, January 4, 2008
Seattle Slew
If you had told me a month ago that I would be on the edge of my cubicle seat all week refreshing sports pages in hopes a new article praising how great the Redskins are would appear, I would have called you a liar. Honestly, the way things were going, what with the Redskins losing players left and right to hamstrings, knees, and death, there was no way in hell that they were going to pick up the pieces and make this miraculous run to the promised land of the playoffs. Can this team fulfill the prophecy of reuniting with the Pats in the super bowl, a la my October entry where we meet up with the Pats again? I would say definitely. Honestly, though how much is this situation playing out exactly like the move Hardball? Remember when G-Baby went down to a stray bullet and Keanu Reeves gave the eulogy telling of how G-Baby lead them to the victory in the 'ship? Sound familiar? It should because its basically the exact same thing that happened only this time it was Clinton Portis eulogizing Sean Taylor. How no news outlets have connected these two occurrences is well beyond me. Anyway, we have to take this shit one game at a time, and this week we are lining up against the Seattle Seahawks, champs of the NFC West, also known as the worst division in football. The Seahawks are one of the worst 10-6 teams in the history of the NFL and to be honest with you, the city they come from is one of the most overrated. Sure, there was that time in the mid-90's where Seattle was the hip place to be, but I got a news flash for you sister, I've been to Seattle and I can safely say it is one of the absolute worst cities I have ever been to. While Washington, DC is famous as the home of the free world, what is Seattle most famous for, thats right, the rainfall. Pretty nice to be able to hang your hat on the rain, must make you real proud. Anyway, what else can Seattle be proud of? Let's take a look at the top 5 things...#5 Coffee
Thats right, Seattle is the birthplace of Starbucks, and thank god for that shit. Honestly, If I couldn't pay $4 for a cup of coffee I don't know what I would do with myself, I would probably just go ahead and pull a Cobain. But anyway, remember when drinking coffee in coffee houses was cool. I remember when I was younger and couldn't wait to drink some coffee because it was such a hip thing to do, just hang out in a coffee house all day and sip on a Latte, just like in "So I married and Axe Murderer" or "Friends." As time passed I quickly realized that those kids who were hanging out in coffee houses, perhaps enjoying a scone, discussing music and reading were not hip, they were losers. You remember those Emo kids from college that hated anything mainstream and would criticize anyone who happened to enjoy "Toxic" by Britney Spears every now and then. Yeah this fucking town is full of people like that, they can also be identified by their horn-rimmed glasses which are used to be able to identify other enlightened humans. Pretty sweet to be known as a coffee town though, because no other city in the nation has 100 Starbucks.#4 Grunge Rock
This is another one of those things that the city is still holding onto from the early 90's. Sure Nirvana rocked hard when I was in 4th grade. Yeah, I used to head bang at middle school dances to Heart Shaped Box. Even today, I'm still up for a good old fashioned Mosh Pit when a certain cover band decides its time to play "Smells like Teen Spirit." But to be famous as a city because a group that decided it would put a naked baby swimming around a pool looking for a dollar on a fishing hook on their album cover, really is kind of sad. I mean come on, Good Charlotte is from the DC area but you don't hear Redskins fans bragging about how Joel Madden knocked up Nicole Richie. We have more important things to focus our attention on than some local sleazebag rocker, I mean seriously, I'm no detective but I think its pretty clear to see that the real reason Kurt Cobain killed himself wasn't because he was depressed, it was because he hated Seattle. Honestly, when you listen to songs like "Polly" or "All Apologies" the last thing you think is that the guy singing was depressed. Those are songs of joy and love.#3 Niles and Frasier Crane
Don't even get me started on these homos. So Frasier decides to move from Boston, where he was known as the smart psychologist with the uptight bitch of a wife at Cheers to divorce and living with his father and his nanny in some apartment...hmm seems like a glimpse into the future life of Ned's younger brother, minus the smart psychologist part. Anywho, Seattle got famous from the introduction where Frasier sings about loving to add his own dressing to his tossed salad and they outline the word Frasier with the skyline of Seattle. I was never a huge fan of this show however I knew that their father was the shit and Frasier and Niles were pansies. So, so far we have emo bitches, dead grunge rockers and pansies representing the city. Pretty solid Seattle.#2 Grey's Anatomy
If you are a girl and you haven't seen this show, chances are you are probably a dyke. Obviously, I'm not to proud to admit that I have even caught an episode or two of the critically acclaimed drama. But seriously, what is this show saying about the hospitals and patients of Seattle? Honestly, there should be a laugh track behind most of this show with some of the injuries that come into the hospital, which at first are hilarious, but then turn out to be deadly. For example, I saw one episode where E's girlfriend from the first season of Entourage comes into the ER with a pole lodged in between her and another guy. Its all fun and games at first, each of the victims trying to one up each other with a joke about their situation, I mean shit, the doctors even get into the fun with a couple jokes of their own, I seriously kept listening for a slide whistle after some of the cracks, but then things turn serious for the second half of the show as its revealed E's ex-girlfriend would have to die. This shit happens all the time in this hospital, and another thing, how would you feel if your surgeon was named "McDreamy" or "McSteamy" if that is their real name. Seattle must be especially proud that everyone that works in the hospital is just banging each other 24 hours a day. If I were to go into the hospital for brain surgery I would wake up all patched up only to find out I have Gonhorrea of the skull because the nurse McDreamy was banging while I was under told him at the last second she was off her birth control, so he had to dispose of the "evidence" elsewhere. Seriously, what a shitty hospital they work at, I am glad that we've got good old DC General here.#1 Asians
Perhaps one of the most defining characteristics of Seattle is their proficiency of Asians. Shockingly they have a wider spread than Las Vegas or even Chinatown in DC. There are so many Asians in Seattle it really is unbelievable. Whats wrong with that you might say? Ummm, let me direct your attention to a little something called Pearl Harbor!! They got us when we were asleep. Who can fault us though, our leaders probably thought they were asleep though too, because well, they always look like they're sleeping. Whats worse is that all Asian people eat dogs. Why the hell are we locking up Michael Vick when he is a professed dog lover and do nothing to Ichiro even though he probably eats dogs 5 times a week. Another thing about Asians that is awful is that they think they are sooo smart just because they can make origami, yet they can barely even speak English. Some guy in my office is from China and he can barely put together a whole sentence without having some sort of HILARIOUS grammatical error. I'm like seriously dude, you're in America, now learn the fucking language. Honestly, if it were up to me, I would drop a bomb on Seattle just like we did in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. That way they would know that these colors don't run!
My prediction: Redskins 24, Seahawks:14
We want Dallas
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