Giving Thanks at Thanksgiving

For thousands of years, Native Americans lived a peaceful and uninterrupted life intertwined with Nature. They lived off the land however treated it with the utmost respect. Disease was foreign to them as were weapons such as guns. They raised their families in small close-knit communities, with little to fear from the outside world. Everything was going great for the Natives, that is until the white man came along. As everyone knows from the classic movie "The New World," in 1607 John Smith led an expedition to do what we whites do best, claim others land as our own. I'm being a little bit too harsh here, I should say we just took their land, we did give the Native Americans some gifts in return. These gifts included alcoholism, small pox, venereal diseases, homelessness, a Trail of Tears, and last but not least, some good old fashioned slaughtering of their women and children.

This is why I love the Thanksgiving holiday so much, you see I grew up thinking that the first Thanksgiving was some big happy event where the Indians and the true Americans (whites) got together probably sang some songs ate a shitload of food and probably watched the big Indian lacrosse games (the NFL wasn't invented back then you dumbfuck.) I remember dressing up like an Indian in preschool with my brown paper grocery bag as my Indian vest and those arts and crafts feathers as my headress and then forced to run around the room singing "10 little Indians." I really believe if there had been Indians from the 1600's present for that performance there would be no way they would have been able to tell we weren't really Indians too, we were that fucking good. Sadly though, I don't really believe that the first Thanksgiving was as peaceful and happy as we are led to believe. I wouldn't blame the Indians if they acted violently against the Americans, what the fuck would you do if some people just pulled into your land and started talking about how it belonged to them because they have guns. I just can't believe they'd be like, "Damn glad to meet you strange gun and venereal disease wielding white folks, please share us in enjoying this sweet ass Cornucopia!!!!"

Anyways regardless of what went down 400 years ago, the bottom line is we Americans get a 3 day work week, not to mention Wednesday night being the biggest drinking night of the year (another tip of the cap to the Indians.) So honestly, I think we need to be thankful to the Indians this Thanksgiving for they deserve our respect and admiration. Without further ado, here are the top 5 Indians of all time.

5) Sacajawea:

For those of you who do not have a Silver Dollar collection like I do and therefore do not know that Sacajawea was honored by the US Treasury Department on tender queerer than everything out there except 2 dollar bills, I'll let you in on the legend of Sacajawea. Lewis and Clark, two explorers were venturing across the country to check out the recent Louisiana purchase. Now this was pre-Katrina so Louisiana came at a high value. Anyway, they hired a frenchman to take them across the territory mostly because his wife was an Indian and spoke Shoshone. One of the amazing and empowering characteristics of Sacajawea to women and to Indians was that she carried her baby, Jean Baptiste (most likely named after Sacajawea's father) with her for the entire trek. Sacajawea proved to be an incredible guide through the Pacific Northwest and because of their travels I think we have a lot of things to be grateful to her for. Just think of all the things that the West coast and the Pacific Northwest has provided us. Starbucks. Hollywood. Gangster rap. San Fernando Valley porn. The album cover of Nirvana "Nevermind." So when you are sitting at Thanksgiving remember what you are really thankful for...that baby swimming in the pool naked about to be caught by that fishing hook with the dollar bill attached to it. Thank you Sacajawea, you are a true Indian hero.

4) Tonto

If you are under the age of 75, you probably don't know who this is. You see apparently in our parents day they didn't have Guitar Hero 3 to entertain them at night. To be brutally honest, they didn't even have Guitar Hero 1, I know I'm thinking the same thing, I couldn't live in a world without Guitar Hero either I would definitely have to pull a 'Cobain' (more kudos to Sacajawea for that one!). Anyways, to entertain themselves, they would listen to the radio and one of the most popular shows was "The Lone Ranger" only he wasn't alone, he had a trusty sidekick named Tonto. Tonto knew the lay of the land and he would guide the Ranger. Tonto was a bit of a controversial character, you see in other languages Tonto means "idiot" or "fool" which producers indicated was purely a coincidence. Either way, Tonto was a great sidekick rivaled only by Robin, Supergirl, and Andy Richter.


3) Notah Begay III

One of the few men in the world who can say that he once hazed Tiger Woods while they were both at Stanford, Begay has made a name for himself on the PGA Tour becoming one of the premiere golfers in the world. Notah first gained fame by shooting a 59 on the minor league tour and then rising up to the big boys and winning a few tournaments. What looked to be a promising career started to take a turn for the worse a couple years ago due to some off course activities. As it turned out Notah exemplifies the Indian stereotype of being a boozer, however is not as good of a drinker and driver as most people I know, so he picked up a couple DWI's along the way. With laws strengthening against multiple offenders the judge in the case decided that jail time was necessary, 7 days to be exact. I know what you are thinking, "This is just ridiculous, he's a professional golfer, he can't afford to spend time away from the golf course for one day let alone seven!!" Luckily for Begay, this was the thinking of the judge as well because he only required Begay to spend the nights in jail, during the daytime, like most prisoners, he was able to leave prison and go play golf. Some say this was letting Begay off the hook, but come on, hes a professional athlete, he deserves the special treatment. I think the real reason he was given such preferential treatment was because the judge knew he was an Indian, and this was just his way of thanking him for all the struggles Notah has suffered through including Stanford, the Buy.com golf tour, and the PGA tour. Begay has lived the life of a nomad, much like his Indian brothers whose land was stripped from them 400 years prior.

2) Chief Wahoo

Wahoo is mentioned here representing all of the athletic teams who have paid their homage to the Indians of the past. Chief Wahoo is the mascot and logo for the Cleveland Indians and one word comes to mind when I think of this tribute: Authenticity. I've never met a real live Indian, however if I did, I imagine he would look exactly like Chief Wahoo. The skin color looks so natural and that smile is just a perfect representation of how happy the Indians were when we stripped them of their women, children, and land. Something else I love about sporting teams which adopt Indian nicknames is that they are always ferocious in almost a Neaderthal type of way. Whether its the Redskins being 'Braves on the Warpath', to the Braves doing the Tomahawk Chop, of Chief Oceola throwing a flaming arrow at the 50 yard line before the Florida State games. This is kind of bullshit though. Obviously Indians weren't all that tough or else they would have been able to dodge our bullets and/or herpes.

1) Zack Morris aka "Running Zack"

Saved by the Bell had some really touching episodes, including the ones where Kelly dumped Zack for that older guy who worked at The Max and Jessie gets hooked on Caffeine pills to the point where she would suck off Mr. Tuttle for another bottle. However, none were as powerful or and poignant as the episode where Zack does the project on his Native American ancestors. You might better remember the episode as the one where we find out that the Spano family was once involved in the slave trade, and Jessie tries to make reparations to Lisa any way she can. You see, Zack was given an ultimatum, either get his shit together in the classroom or he can't run for track team against hated Valley. Speaking of Valley, how shitty of a sports program did they have to have. I mean seriously, Bayside had what, three athletes in the entire school? Slater, Ox, and sometimes Zack? Yet somehow they always managed to beat Valley. Who the fuck was their star athlete? Corky from "Life Goes On?"

Anyways, Zack is referred to some pothead, old hippie surfer, who was apparently part Indian. He lets Zack in on the secret that Zack is in fact part Indian and gives him the official tribal nickname of "Running Zack." I guess the Morris tribe moved across the country as part of the Trail of Tears because last I checked there weren't many tribes hanging out in Southern California. Anyways, out of the blue that old hippie ends up dying on the day Zack is supposed to give his presentation, probably due to his excessive marijuana usage. This inspires Zack to give the same shitty presentation he had planned on giving however he dressed up in full Indian attire to honor the dead stoner, which of course meant he deserved an 'A' and he could run for Bayside. What's the moral of this story? Don't do drugs unlesss you want do die like that old hippie Indian!

That brings us to the end of our list of distinguished Indians, hopefully while stuffing your face this Thanksgiving, you will remember the sacrifices that men and women made for you so that you can have the 2 days off from work.