2007 Dallas Cowboys Senior Yearbook

As you might be able to gather, I am not too high on the Redskins right now. Making matters worse our star receiver Brandon Lloyd just broke his collarbone in practice and is out for the year. I must admit I was incredibly excited when we traded for that piece of shit from the Niners, but looking back on that, I don't really think he was worth the 3rd and 4th round picks we gave up for him. I think the flag should have gone up when the Niners were trying to unload him even though he was a decent receiver. Look at who they have now catching passes, the former quarterbacks from Notre Dame and Penn State (Arnaz Battle and Michael Robinson.) He really has put up some good productions, last year he had what was statistically the worst season ever by a starting receiver, and this year he backed it up with a great campaign, 2 catches 16 yards. Hes had some great deep routes though this season including that last attempt in the Eagles game where he shyed away from the hits rather than catch a ball which would extended the game. But, I should really take it easy on the guy, he does smile in pictures and his teammates say hes good at football, so it should be alright. Anyways, even though we're without Lloyd this week or the rest of the season there still is football to play.

This week the Skins play the Dallas Cowboys who are quickly becoming America's team once again with wonderboy Tony Romo at the helm. I'm sad to say that this rivalry is not what it once was and I would go as far as to say the Redskins - Eagles games are more intense. However, if you go to RFK and sit in the bleachers and are really quiet you can still hear chants of "We Want Dallas." Some say its the spirits of the fans that once inhabited the stands, other say its the wind, however most agree its just my Father after having too many wine coolers and thinking back to his days in the Navy where his roommate's name was "Dallas." Irregardless this city has some serious history with this team. With constant turnover in the NFL due to free agency and player death (Darrent Williams, that other guy on the Broncos who nobody had heard of) there are a lot of new faces on the Cowboys, and I think we should get familiar with them before the big game Sunday. As the Skins start to falter it looks like the Boys are going onto bigger and better things, much like graduating high school seniors, so without further ado, here are your 2007 Dallas Cowboy Senior Superlatives!!!

Tank Johnson Most Felonious

You may not recognized Tank Johnson from Dallas's first 8 games of the season, thats because he was suspended by the NFL for a multitude of reasons including possessing illegal firearms such as assault rifles as well as drugs. He really shores up the defensive line with a fierce prescence, he probably got that from the 45 days he spent in jail earlier this year. Anyways, you really have to hand it to the Cowboys for giving guys second chances. From Leon Lett's excessive drug problems, to Michael Irvin's crack & sex toy parties with hooker in hotel rooms, Dallas has always forgiven players who can perform on the field.

Marion Barber III Most likely to be an Oreo

Now if you look at Barber's field image, fucking jacked, dreads, just runs over people you would think this guy is a thug. However this is not the case at all. This guy didn't grow up in South Central, 8 Mile, Camden, or even Baltimore. He's from fucking Plymouth, Minnesota. I bet his gang fucking ran shit at the Mall of America, he probably used to get into fights with Pee wee hockey players all the time growing up. Must be a pretty fucking tough life when your father was a pro football player too. I bet Barber learned everything he knew about the streets from Boyz 'n the Hood and you know what else, I bet that pussy cried when Ricky got shot at the end.

Leonard Davis Most likely to join Darrent Williams and Eric Clapton's son the soonest

At 6'6'' and roughly 370 pounds Davis is a gigantic man, which can be quite dangerous. You see the life expectancy for people his size is about 50 years old, which if he were living in Nambia, would be the equivalent of 120. But unfortunately for Davis, this is America and it sucks to be him. You know who else it sucks for, his mother. You see Davis has what you might call a big family. Some say a "big family" is 4 kids, well for the Davis family they decided to stop procreating after Leonard who was their 23rd kid. I just think that is the smartest thing in the world, I often think what would happen if I unexpectedly became a father, which will never happen because I practice the safest sex of all - pulling out. But I couldn't afford to have just one child on my modest salary let alone 23. I'm sure the Davises were financially secure and probably spoke to a financial planner before having each child so I shouldn't be judging, but god damn, Mrs. Davis's vag must have been like a deflated parachute after Leonard came out.

Terrell Owens Most likely to pull an "Owen Wilson"

TO has tried it once last year already, I mean who can really blame him, everywhere he goes he is hated, even the fans at his home stadium only like him now because he is wearing their colors. I love the way that his publicist spun the suicide attempt. When asked if TO lacked a will to live, she replied, "He's got 25 million reasons not to commit suicide." Eight years ago he scored a touchdown in Dallas playing for the Niners and sprinted to the Cowboys star and celebrated before he was leveled by George Teague of the Cowboys. This shit would never happen in DC, Deion Sanders was the closest thing we had and everyone still hated him. Everyone says that TO has changed his tune, "Oh, TO is different now, he's a great teammate when he plays for a winner." Know where else I heard this shit? 2004 for the fucking Eagles, how did that end up?

Tony Romo Most likely to experience burning during urnination

As much as I wanted to write about Romo being a flamer, it just doesn't look like thats the case. However, his choice of company is something that one needs to question. First of all, its well documented that he just broke up with Carrie Underwood which signifies he is a fucking idiot. Did he hear what her hit song was all about? How shes gonna fuck up her ex-boyfriend's car and all his stuff, granted it was about cheating, but still shes a fucking nut job and she will fuck him up if she has to. Then he was involved with Britney Spears, real fucking great idea, I personally dig the chemo look and wish she had kept her head shaved. However, when Romo was banging Britney I wonder if he insisted on doing doggy or if hes just a sick fuck that gets off to banging bitches with C-section scars. He probably gets off to that shit, that sick fucker. Romo strikes me as the type of guy who would sweet talk his way into not having to use a condom, he doesn't use my usual go to of drunkenly muttering, "Come on baby, it feels better" then when she says no just throwing on a Magnum knowing full well I am a thin at best and having it slip off during the 150 awkward thrusts in the 90 seconds of passion. He probably has all kinds of great lines to ride bareback, but the bad news for him is that those skanks hes sleeping are carrying friends. At best these friends are known as pubic lice and at worst he will be peeing blood.

This is your team America, I hope you are proud of them. And I must admit, after examining these Cowboys, "True Redskins" aka players no other team wants like Rock Cartwright, Lorenzo Alexander, and James Thrash don't sound all that bad.

Prediction: Redskins +10.5 (You won't find me making a prediction that has the Skins losing, however they won't lose by more than 10 points.)