I hope everyone is having a very blessed and safe Halloween today. I hope you are not one of those jackasses in the office who decided to dress up. There are a few of those walking around today, of course they are the talk of the office because it is just so outrageous. I really don't know what people get more excited for around here, when someone dresses up in some lame ass Clown costume or when 3 people wear the same colored shirt on the same day. People go ape shit over that, "Why didn't I get the memo?!?!?!" Honestly, there are days where I've walked into the office and seen that 2 other people in my group are wearing the same colored shirt and rather than dealing with awful jokes all day long I've seriously considered either 1) Hoping that no one saw me and running home and calling in sick or 2) Plummetting off the 5th floor balcony to my death.
Anyway, I digress, I wanted to touch on today's holiday. A day no doubt invented by pedophiles and sexual predators. I mean come on, think about it, all the registered sex offenders have got to be licking their chops tonight, especially for those kids who are going out tonight trick or treating for the first time without their parents. Personally, I wish they had a flag design which means you are a registered sex offender just like the queers have with that rainbow. I would fly that shit tonight so none of those fucking kids in their shitty costumes would come knocking on my door.
You can always tell which houses are the pedophiles because they are always the houses that make you come inside to get the candy or better yet, don't have any candy at all, they just have a big bag of pistachios and they allow the kids to grab a handful. I would also like to know where the legend of the razor blades in the apples came from. How fucked up of a person would you have to actually put razor blades into an apple, give it to a kid, and then just sit there all night hoping that a report ends up in the Daily Gazette that some kid had to go to the hospital due to an apple he got trick or treating.
As you get older, Halloween takes on a different meaning. Like most people I stopped trick or treating years ago and turned my intention to Christ's true meaning of Halloween: bitches dressing up like sluts! It was explained to me at one point that deep down, it is every girl's dream to dress like a whore. Lucklily for them Halloween allows them to express themselves without being called out by other girls. It's not a nurse, its a slutty nurse; It's not a butterfly, its a "slutterfly"; It's not Condoleeza Rice, its a slutty Condoleeza Rice; You get the picture. While this obviously is the one true purpose of this holiday, not everyone is able to sucessfully pull off the hot slut costume (eg. guys and fat, ugly bitches.) So what do they go to, equally embarrassing outfits.
Gay costume:
You all knew those guys in college who somehow incorporate into their costume not wearing a shirt or just wearing a wife beater. Much like its always a girl's dream to dress up like a slut, its always these guys dream to be a homo. They are the same guys who try to dress up like Sonny and Cher with their beard of a "girlfriend" only he is Cher and she is Sonny!!! Can you believe how outrageous that shit is? You know the guy is really digging the mini-skirt which was totally his idea until his boys are like, 'what are you a queer' at which point Cher goes into total defense mode where hes like, 'No, man its my fucking girlfriend, I fucking hate this shit, but I'm trying to get some fucking pussy right," followed by grunts and possibly some awkward laughter.Unoriginal Costume
This is the costume that when you decide to dress up like it for Halloween, you know you are going to run into about 20 other people in the exact same outfit as you, yet you still insist on taking a picture with them to be like, 'Oh my god, can you believe this shit, someone else is totally in my same outfit, but I totally pull it off better and I want everyone on Webshots to know it!!" You know what I'm talking about, I think back to my senior year in college when the 
"Call on me" video was the absolute rage. Every girl on campus dug into their work out clothes and somehow they were all able to piece together the perfect outfit only to find every other girl on campus had the same amazing idea! I mean these bitches looked like they came straight out of the music video, except for the fact that they weren't hot. These days you can find this problem with Borat. I admit, even I thought for a second about being Borat for Halloween, I mean I've got it all, black curly hair, a grey suit, I can even make two thumbs up signs and scream "High Five" ever 5 minutes. Unfortunately for me I haven't hit puberty yet so I can't grow a kickass mustache, therefore the shit just wouldn't work. I love those guys though that are like, "Wait until you see my costume this year, you are just going to flip!" Then the guy dresses up like Borat quickly finding 20 other Borats at the same party yelling out the same Borat quotes about America and mules being more important than their wives. Pretty fucking original guys, nice work.
"Call on me" video was the absolute rage. Every girl on campus dug into their work out clothes and somehow they were all able to piece together the perfect outfit only to find every other girl on campus had the same amazing idea! I mean these bitches looked like they came straight out of the music video, except for the fact that they weren't hot. These days you can find this problem with Borat. I admit, even I thought for a second about being Borat for Halloween, I mean I've got it all, black curly hair, a grey suit, I can even make two thumbs up signs and scream "High Five" ever 5 minutes. Unfortunately for me I haven't hit puberty yet so I can't grow a kickass mustache, therefore the shit just wouldn't work. I love those guys though that are like, "Wait until you see my costume this year, you are just going to flip!" Then the guy dresses up like Borat quickly finding 20 other Borats at the same party yelling out the same Borat quotes about America and mules being more important than their wives. Pretty fucking original guys, nice work.Clever Costume:
This is something that people don't get automatically, most of the time it has to be explained to someone and then they laugh. These are typically the costumes that end up winning the money in the bar sponsored costume contests and are normally very strong. However, problems can arise when you are at a party dressed up like something that needs to be explained to people and heavy drinking is involved. For example, someone might think it would be funny to dress up like a "White out bottle" or some shit and have a rival school's name on the bottle as if to say, "Tech U is so fucking stupid the need to White shit out all the time." You might think is funny and your friends might get it, but then you remember you went to school in the South, and that guy across the room "dressed" like a CCR fan keeps giving you the eye. Finally, he gets the drunken courage to come talk to you. "I like your costume," he says. Then he leans over and whispers quietly, "Good to see we're still around." You give him a look of confusion and sensing this he tries to make things clear: "I didn't know we still had Klan in these parts."
This is something that people don't get automatically, most of the time it has to be explained to someone and then they laugh. These are typically the costumes that end up winning the money in the bar sponsored costume contests and are normally very strong. However, problems can arise when you are at a party dressed up like something that needs to be explained to people and heavy drinking is involved. For example, someone might think it would be funny to dress up like a "White out bottle" or some shit and have a rival school's name on the bottle as if to say, "Tech U is so fucking stupid the need to White shit out all the time." You might think is funny and your friends might get it, but then you remember you went to school in the South, and that guy across the room "dressed" like a CCR fan keeps giving you the eye. Finally, he gets the drunken courage to come talk to you. "I like your costume," he says. Then he leans over and whispers quietly, "Good to see we're still around." You give him a look of confusion and sensing this he tries to make things clear: "I didn't know we still had Klan in these parts."You see, because of all this confusion and embarassment its best to go with the classics, like Fred Flintstone, Superman, or a good old fashioned clean American baseball player tonight when you go out. Anyway, enjoy the candy and remember that Christ died for us so that we could enjoy that candy.
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