Macarena 2K7

I remember coming back from a two week family vacation in Italy, rising into the 8th grade when I was met with this brand new craze hitting popular culture. It was this awesome dance which involved putting your hands forward, behind your head, crossing your hips, and then finally on your ass. The Macarena was amazing, and I was fucking good at it. I couldn’t fucking wait until the first middle school dance where I could show off just how good I was at this dance to my Middle School girlfriends who I really never even talked to. Well, that was 1998, this is now. Times have changed and we have entered a new sexual revolution. I’m not sure why this is exactly, perhaps it’s the rise of Internet porn, perhaps it’s the fact that Magic Johnson showed that if you’re rich then you are actually immune to AIDS, most likely its because Justin Timberlake ripped Janet Jackson’s clothing off at the Super Bowl a couple years back. Nevertheless, the media has changed, music has changed. The fucking Macarena wouldn’t fly at all these days. No, instead the new craze at Junior high dances is this brand new dance.

In case you are Amish and don’t own a radio, yet for some reason stumbled onto this website while searching for some forbidden porn at your local library, let me tell you about this new song called Crank that (Soulja boy) by Tellem. I know, right, you’re saying to yourself, finally, someone spelled Soldier the way Jesus wanted it to be spelled. Anyways, this dance is the new craze, I still haven’t learned it yet because to be honest I’m really scared I might contract sickle cell anemia if I do. While the Macarena sang about happy things like how the lead singer is over a “Boy whose name is Ittolino” with 2 jolly old Mexicans yelling “HEY MACARENA,” Soulja boy takes a different tactic when talking about love. Let’s take a look at the lyrics and dissect the glory that is Crank That and the lesson its teaching to our children.

Chorus: x2]

Soulja Boy Off In This Hoe

Watch Me Crank It

Watch Me Roll

Watch Me Crank Dat Soulja Boy

Then Super Man Dat Hoe

I love the way we get started here, just put it out there that we’re going to be disrespecting women in the first line of the song. It’s pretty much a disclaimer; get out now if you are not a misogynist, if you are, sit back and enjoy the ride! Also, I’m not sure if most people think the artist Tellem (if that is his real name) is a big fan of Superman, but I recently came to find out that Superman entails banging the “hoe” and while you are on top lifting your arms and legs into the air to fly on top of her with your entire weight resting of her as if you’re Superman. Needless to say it’s a pretty hot move and gives the girl lots of pleasure equaled only by her boyfriend either titty fucking her or cumming on her face.

Now Watch Me Do(Crank Dat Soulja Boy)

Now Watch Me yua!(Crank Dat Soulja Boy)

Now Watch Me yua!(Crank Dat Soulja Boy)

Now Watch Me yua!(Crank Dat Soulja Boy)

Now this is just Tellem bragging that he can do the Soulja Boy dance. Real impressive buddy, you fucking came up with the dance I hope you fucking remember how to do it!

[Verse 1:]Soulja Boy Off In This Hoe

Watch Me Lean And Watch Me Rock

Super Man Dat Hoe

Then Watch Me Crank Dat Robocop

Super Fresh, Now Watch Me Jock

Jocking On Them Haterz Man

When I Do Dat Soulja BoyI Lean To The Left And Crank Dat thing(Now Yua!)

I'm Jocking On Yo Bitch Ass

And If We Get The Fightin

Then I'm Cocking On Your Bitch

You Catch Me At Yo Local Party

Yes I Crank It Everyday

Haterz Get Mad Cuz"I got me some papes today"

This is just more bragging by Tellem that since he’s now a major recording artist and will probably come out with a lot more hits much like multiple platinum artists like Chumbawumba or that lawnmower who sang Mambo #5 he can steal any ones girlfriend because hes gotten paid. He also reiterates that he does in fact know how to do the Soulja boy dance, just incase you had forgotten since the opening chorus. Do you ever wonder what goes through rap “artists” mind when they are writing their songs, I mean besides drugs. Seriously, look at some of these rhymes, I know a man by the name of “White Biggie” who could put these lyrics to shame. Larry David had a good bit with Crazy Eyez Killa one time talking about the semantics of a good rap song and the placement of words like “motherfucker” or “bitch,” I would really like to see the notebook that Tellem used much like B-Rabbit in 8-mile. Was he just riding down the road and thought, “You know what? Haterz be getting mad Cuz, ‘I got me some papes today’ Holy shit I’m a fucking genius, I’m putting that in Soulja boy!

[Chorus x2]

[Verse 2:]I'm Bouncin On My Toe

Watch Me Super Soak Dat Hoe

I'ma Pass It To Arab

Then He Gon crank it up 4 sholl (sholl)

Haterz Wanna Be MeSoulja Boy, I'm The Man

They Be Lookin At My Neck

Sayin Its The Rubberband Man (Man)

Watch Me Do It (Watch Me Do It)

Dance (Dance)

Let Get To It (Let Get To It)

Nope, You Can't Do It Like Me

Hoe, So Don't Do It Like Me

Folk, I See You Tryna Do It Like Me

Man That Shit Was Ugly

Ahh, Verse 2, where the whole story finally comes together in a perfect neat little package. It’s where we first learn of Tellem’s affinity for super soaking dat hoe. The beauty of this is that much like a lot of the humor in a movie such as Shrek, Super soaking has a double entendre. This is why this song is such an appropriate song for kids. You see children thing you’re just having a friendly water gun fight when in fact you are really super soaking that bitch….with cum!! Genius. Any chance Virginia can get Tellem to be their next Poet Laureate? Start writing your Congressman now! What I really like about Tellem is that much like the bad boys of TGIF/TNBC, he doesn’t live by any ones rules but his own. Just look at the spelling of his words that I’m pretty sure would even show up in an Ebonics spell check as incorrect. I mean I used to spell words how they sounded, when I was in fucking preschool!!! Count it (plus the penalty, one shot).

[Chorus x4]

[Hook:]Im 2 clean off in this hoe

Watch me crank it

Watch me roll

Watch me crank that roosavelt

And super soak that Hoe [x10]

Im to fresh up in this bitch

Watch me shuffle

Watch me jig

Watch me crank my shoulder work

Super man that bitch [x6]

This is the fucking curtain call for Tellem, he wants to make sure if you go away from this song with anything, you go away with two things, Super soaking hoes and Super manning bitches. As he tells us to do so 16 times in the last couple minutes of this sonnet that would make Bill Shakespeare blush. My only criticism here is perhaps change up the order of the action. Perhaps first Superman, and then Super soak. This might speak more towards Tellem’s endurance as a lover because usually when I get done with my Super soakin’ the last thing on my mind is an old fashioned Superman. Plus, after you’ve supersoaked her you’ve got all your pleasure out, why give her any more by Supermanning her? Just one kink in the armor for Tellem, but hey even Jesus got mad and flipped tables over when people were selling goods at the Temple that time, so I think that Tellem can be forgiven.