Hello?!?! You play to win the game!!

I'm sure you are sitting there expecting me to write about the travesty that was the Redskins game on Sunday. Make all the fucking jokes you want about our coach not knowing when to call timeouts, we deserve the scrutiny. Honestly, if this shit were to happen on my Little League team, the coach would be asked to step down because he had no idea what the fuck he was doing. But no, we are talking about Saint Joe Gibbs who is impervious to the threat of losing his job, unlike the rest of the working world. If this were any other coach than our Hall of Famer he would be out the door. The evidence keeps piling up against Gibbs. It was a very special thing the Redskins did on Sunday to honor the memory of Sean Taylor by lining up with 10 men on defense to start the game. Word had leaked out about it and I was up in the stands on Sunday counting the players to see if indeed they would play with 10. After the game Joe Gibbs said that he in fact had no idea that they would be doing this to honor their fallen safety. Now how the fuck did I know about this yet the HEAD COACH of the team had no idea? Also, remember when Gibbs first came back and they hired an ex-official to be their replay expert? You'll also remember several failed challenges by Gibbs and the ultimate termination of the replay expert. Turns out, the expert would relay to Gibbs that he should NOT challege the play, yet Gibbs would do it anyway. Pretty super smart guy. It's been said plenty of times and was even chanted towards the end of the game on Sunday by the crowd, "Gibbs Must Go!" Now comes the question of who should replace him? Here's a few coaches from the past who I'd be more confident to have as our head coach:

Richard Williams


Dick-genius as he is affectionately known in most circles raised Venus and Serena on the streets of Compton on tennis courts where bullets would often whizz by them. He had never received a lesson on playing tennis, however his dream was to make at least one of his daughters a tennis star so he trained them to the point where they could compete in tennis tournaments and ultimately were able to make enough money so that Dick-genius never had to work again, which was convenient since he was probably already out of work as it was. If he could turn around two girls destined to be 14 year old hookers working for crack, imagine what he could do with the highest paid team in the NFL.


Bela Karolyi

Remember this guy? This guy refused to lose. The Romanian gymnastics trainer who carried Kerri Strug after he forced her to perform even though she had torn ligaments? This reminds me of the scene in Varsity Blues where the coach is about to give the running back a cortizone shot so that he can play again, even though it appears that his tendons have all been severed. What a gamer that kid was. Anyway, sure Bela was a good coach and would proabably be a better head coach for the Redskins than Gibbs, but you have to seriously ask how the hell do you get into coaching girls gymnastics? It this just something you grow up having a passion for, because if so I am really into 13 year old girls who weigh 75 pounds so I would be perfect for that job. I bet Karolyi beat the girls too if they fucked up. He would probably feel like God when he beat the shit out of those tiny girls. Pretty smart to take medication so that you don't hit puberty, I'm sure that doesn't have any negative effects down the road.


Jeff Gilooly


Not so much a coach, as much as an enforcer, Gilooly was Tonya Harding's boyfriend who set up Nancy Kerrigan's knee to get smashed. This seriously is what the Skins need, someone to go out there and be a head hunter giving out bonuses to players who injure the other team. We could do it like the Viet Cong did too, higher reward for injuring higher ranking players. For instance, if someone took out that faggot Tom Brady, perhaps the reward would be a new set of diamond plated rims. A lesser player like AJ Feeley? Maybe like a deep fryer. Either way, players would have bounties on them, making the game more excited AND more like pro wrestling, which would be win-win. I also think we could all learn a thing or two about class and skillz Gilooly showed by releasing that hot wedding night tape of him and Tonya. I have seen some great things in my life, but that shit was just some sweet sweetness.


Chester Lee in Ladybugs


This guy had what Gibbs does not have, some fucking balls. I mean seriously, these days if you tried to dress your girlfriend's son up in drag and play on a girls soccer team you are likely to end up getting a stiff one from some guy named La'Mercury for the next 5 to 10. Do you think that Chester really wanted to win the games or do you just think he got off seeing Jonathan Brandis wearing a wig and stuffing his bra? But seriously I don't even know why they needed that little queers help anyways, remember how dirty that little Asian girl that loved butterflies was? Was she retarded or what was her deal? Didn't they put butterfly stickers on the ball to get her to chase it onetime? What a fucking freakshow.