#5 Princess Jasmine: Aladdin
Right off the bat you might ask, "Why is Jasmine so low on the list, she can catch it!" There is the pressing matter of a little thing called a "war" going on and if we were to draw sides there is no doubt in my mind that the Princess would be on the side that hates freedom. For all we know Jasmine could have at one time shacked up with Qusay or Uday Hussein and burned Iraqi soccer players with cigarrettes when they failed to win in the Olympics.
She also loses a lot of hot points by hooking up with Aladdin. Let's just state the facts:
1. Aladdin is homeless and a stealer.
2. It is a common practice to chop off hands of crooks in those days so that they had to eat with the same hand they wiped with AND as recently proven by a highly skilled stealer that I know, once a stealer, always a stealer, so its likely that somewhere along the way Aladdin lost his hand. Guess what other activities he might use that same hand for?
3. Aladdin's best friend is a monkey, and I'm not saying anything but when you're homeless you probably aren't getting a whole lot of action and all men do have needs.
4. Monkeys originated AIDS.
#4 Pocahontas
This was a tough one, I really considered putting Nala from the Lion King in this spot, however I couldn't pass on this Indian, especially with Cleveland doing so well and paying such great homage to the Native American culture.
Some positive hot points for Pocahontas: her singing voice was done by Vanessa Williams which is nothing but a positive (although she does contain some M-factor.) She's also an Indian, meaning she loves to get F'd up and gamble, which is awesome! However tragically, we all saw what happend to Helen Hunt's drunken mother living in Vegas in "Pay it Forward" and that is not hot at all.
3. Belle Beauty and the Beast
Belle presents an interesting case, although she is quite the striking lady however there are some serious issues that keep her from the #1 spot.
1. She is French, meaning that much like Jasmine, she hates freedom and her armpits more than likely resemble those of this ghastly man:
2. The movie is called Beauty and the Beast. Everyone knows that Walt Disney was a strong proponent of the Nazi party but is that really worse than Michael Eisner being into Beastiality? While we're on the subject, why would anyone ever want to get a Great Dane? Wouldn't you be scared that you would come home one day and it would be pounding your girlfriend? Either way I feel bad for the guy that the Beast becomes because you know the Beast tore that up without kissing Belle. Now once they kiss hes back to normal size and he gets to sleep with someone who might as well have just given birth to Mini-me from Austin Powers.
2. Ariel The Little Mermaid
It's pretty obvious that Ariel is hot, perhaps the only question is whether the drapes match the carpet, or if mermaids even have carpets. Not to mention the fact that she can't even talk! What a perfect woman!
Anyway there still remain a couple detractors to Ariel, and those are her "friends." I put that in quotes because every really hot girl has those guys that pretend to be her friends, warning her of A-hole guys but all the time wanting to nail her even though she is way out of their league. These "friends" are played by Flounder and Sebastian in this scenario.
Flounder is your typical fat friend who is hoping someday the hot girl will either see past all the good looking men and see that even though he is fat, he is the greatest, nicest guy there is or that she gets really, really drunk, horny and experimental. This is the type of guy that will cry inside anytime the hot girl calls him her BFF or says things like, "If only we weren't such great friends!"
Sebastian on the other hand is that Jamaican guy who acts all nice and tries to cheer up Ariel, but the second she swims away you know hes turning to his boys and saying, "You don't even know what I would do to punish that foiine booty!!" and "That girl has got to have some sister in her, dammmn!"
1. Jessica Rabbit
I know, I know, shes not a Disney character, however she is just too hot to pass on for this list. I mean just look at her. I remember watching this movie at the age of 6 and falling in love with her and that love continues to this day. I still remember the first time I lost my hand virginity...Jessica was there. That hair over one eye is so sexy too.
Unfortunately, no one is perfect and she does have some trailer park to her. She was caught by Eddie Valient playing "paddy cake" with RK Maroon. Overall though, her positive assets outweigh the negative ones, therefore she's #1 in my book.
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