Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Booze and redheads: That's what Coach Bombay does!!

Great news everyone, Ned's younger brother can now take your e-mails at Nedsyoungerbrother@gmail.com. Send questions, comments, or your meditations and contemplations. And please, don't sign Ned's younger brother up for pornographic websites, he already gets enough porno mail as it is.

Today I want to examine what many critics agree to be the greatest trilogy of our time. With the first installment referred to by many as the "perfect film," with all the cast members taking home those gold trophies. Many thought there would be no way that the second film could top it, what with the absence of so many crucial characters who never made it out of the first film, but sure enough it repeated the the gold. While the third installment was universally slammed as the worst, what can you really expect with the transition to a new head man.

Of course I am referring to the all time classic trilogy of "The Mighty Ducks." When I was a kid I used to watch this movie along with the sequel "D2: The Mighty Ducks" relentlessly. As someone who never grew up in a hockey town I fell in love with the sport. I wanted to be that pansy Adam Banks. I wanted to shoot as hard as Fulton Reed. I wanted to have a knuckle puck like Russ Tyler. I wanted to be a Duck! but as time went by and I got older, I began to realize just how ridiculous not only that idea was but also the whole trilogy really was.

Let's take a look at the premise behind the first movie. Emilio Estevez of "A Night at the Roxbury" fame ('Emilio, Emilio') gets into trouble with Johnny Law. What does he get in trouble for you might ask? Oh, nothing much, just drinking and driving. So part of his punishment by his boss is to coach pee-wee hockey and be driven around in a limo by some leather jacket wearing child molestor. Naturally, Coach Bombay hates the crop of kids he inherits to coach, and who wouldnt. Let's take a look at a few of them:

Peter
You might not remember Peter because sadly, he didn't make it to the second film. Maybe this was because he wanted more money, maybe it was because they wanted to bring on some superstars, but most likely it was because he was a little bitch who was a shitty hockey player. He was the short little kid with black hair who wore a leather jacket and belonged in the "My New Haircut" video more than he belonged on a Minnesota hockey team.










Averman
How this piece of shit made it to the second and third movies I have no idea. Did anyone ever think the Rob Schneider bit about making copies was funny? Apparently the writers of Mighty Ducks did because they pour it on heavily with their comic relief Averman. Seriously, how did this clown not catch more beatings? The two greatest honors in Rob Schneider's career have to be Averman imitating him constantly and having such a great friend like Adam Sandler who feels sorry for him so he casts him as a retard in his hit movies. Some of the characters he's played in the past could seriously double for members of the Ronald McDonald House. "I'm just like you only schlower"



Jesse and Terry






Sadly, producers felt that Terry was dead weight in the first movie, so they killed him off before the sequel. Sickle cell anemia really is an awful disease. However, I really feel bad for these guys. If only Kevin Garnett had come to the T-wolves a couple years earlier these kids would be tearing up the basketball courts in the Northwest and their father (thats not a typo, yet another reason this movie is unbelieveable) wouldn't have to work double shifts just to watch them lose repeatedly. Either way, Jesse plays the role of the hard ass black guy made famous by the dynamic character Ice Cube plays in Anadconda, Higher Learning, Friday, Boyz n the Hood, and Three Kings. There seriously are about 10 times during those heated locker room where I think that Jesse is either going to pull out a sawed off shot gun or have Adam Banks "bite the bench" for being a fucking "cake eater" Hawk.






Charlie aka "Captain Duck" aka "Captain Faggot"




When Bombay comes to the Ducks Charlie is nothing but a spaz hockey player desperately looking for some sort of father figure. When the movie ends Charlie is nothing but a spaz hockey player desperately looking for some sort of father figure. Sure he won the game against the Hawks with the luckiest triple deke of his life, but lets be honest, he shouldn't have even been taking that penalty shot. The only reason that he took it was because Bombay was trying to nail his Mom. Speaking of which, how ridiculous is it that Charlie, a white, is being raised by a single mother, while Jesse and Terry (blacks) are being raised by an over aggresive father who works overtime just so that they can play hockey. Yeah, pretty acurate portrayal of America. Anyway, there really is no mention of how Ms. Conway became a single mother, however if I were forced to guess I would say her ex-husband was definitely an abusive alcoholic. Thank god shes getting over him with Coach Bombay, he has no skeletons in his closet....oh wait nevermind, the whole reason he is coaching the Ducks is because of his drinking and driving. So, what does this mean? Ding, ding, ding, tell Ms. Conway what she's won Johnny! A new alcoholic abusive boyfriend!! Another sad case of battered wife's syndrom which as for some reason been glorified by Disney. You would have thought they would have tried to get their act together after that whole Beauty and the Beast fiasco.







Unfotunately, I've run out of time, check back tommorow for other pressing matters in which the world deals with daily.