Posh Spice
The only spice girl that I would actually consider attractive, she actually "made it" by graduating to fame post Spice by marrying David Beckham. In many social circles she is known as "Anhorexic Spice." You know whats really hot? Getting breast implants that are in proportion to your body then dropping 20 pounds to become a twig and having incredibly out of place big boobs. I also love that Posh and Becks named their first kid "Brooklyn" becuase that is where he was conceived. Thats gotta be nice for the kid growing up and anytime he hears his name he can think of his dad thrusting his mom, probably drunk and definitely doggy in some NYC hotel. I'm just happy my parents didn't use this method in naming me. "Fraternity Party Dance Floor" just doesn't roll off the tongue as well as "Brooklyn." It would be nice though to sit around the dinner table every year on my birthday and hear the tale of how I got my name: "Well it was the annual Jungle Juice party at Pi Kapp and boy did Chugger make them strong that year!!!"
Baby Spice
Also known as the "fat blond one" she has really gotten lost in the mix, I wouldn't be surprised if she turned up in some low rent porno shot with one of those gigantic video cameras like the one Kalie's dad used in "The Butterfly Effect." She reminds me a lot of the love interest in "King Ralph," you know that self righteous stripper who was too good to take off all her clothes. I remember watching that movie when I was like 10 and I was so pissed off she stopped stripping. You're a stripper, this is your job!! Anyways, Baby Spice has got to be one of the happiest people in the world since the Spice girls are getting back together. I mean what the hell else was she going to do with the rest of her life, travel around to colleges singing the lines that she had in the original Spice girls songs? I could definitely see her singing at some shitty bar like McFaddens where they charge like a $5 cover to get in and no one shows up.
Ginger Spice
Real creative on your nickname by the way. "Her hair is red, just like Ginger from Gilligans Island! Americans love Gilligan's Island!!!!!" Personally I think the Spice Girls as well as her solo career would have been a lot more successful had she been known simply as "Firecrotch Spice." I mean it lays it all out there for you. She has red hair AND she is British, because obviously Brits are known not to shave down there. Ginger was the one Spice girl that was able to branch out the same way Justin Timberlake did from N'Sync. Their careers would be identical had JT turned out to be a no talent ass clown who failed miserably on his own and had to go crawling back to his original group for some pathetic pipe dream reunion tour because he had to resort to turning tricks just to pay to get his patented red hair dyed. So yeah, you can say that Ginger has done pretty well for herself.
Sporty Spice
Also known as "Flat Spice" or "Dyke Spice," Sporty Spice was the Spice girl that was hired to appeal to the carpet munching portion of America. Ok, you like to play sports, thats amazing. The only sports I want from the Spice girls is maybe some foxy boxing or mud wrestling, thats about it. Word to the wise ladies, men are not attracted to women who could probably kick the shit out of them. Men want girls that they know they can beat the shit out of. It's like a married woman flirting with a guy at a bar. It's not like they ever would, but it's nice to know that if you had to you could.
Scary Spice
Better known as the Black one, Black people often complain why she's got to be the scary one. To be honest, the only things she's ever scared is men's penises from getting erections. Scary Spice has snuck back into the news in the past year by getting knocked up by Eddie Murphy. This really has to make someone question Eddie's taste in women. First he picks up that transvestite hooker, but of course he was only giving her a ride because it was a bad neighborhood. Then he knocks up Scary Spice?? Are you kidding me? Out of all the women in the world that he could get with, much less knock up he chooses her?
Needless to say, I am ecstatic about the upcoming reunion tour, make sure you get your tickets early because there is no doubt in my mind that all their fans who were 14-16 ten years ago are going to be in the front row this year now that they are in their mid-20's.
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