Deaf Leopards

Can you feel it? Can you taste the crab cake? Can you hear the bar blaring music at 9 AM already packed with a line? Can you see the guys stumbling down to the beach, already tanked by noon? Are you ready for the Dewey Beach?? "Dewey Beach?" You might say, "Its the fucking dead of winter, why the fuck would I be thinking about hitting up the Starboard?" Thats because we are only six months away from Memorial Day weekend the official start of the summer! If you have never been to Dewey, it really is something that you just have to do before you decide its time to settle down.

"But I'm too old, there is no reason for a 50 year old woman going to a beach bar in the middle of the summer to hang out with a bunch of 20 something guys!"

This is where you are wrong, you see. For this is the place where older women are the kings of the jungle and they roam the various dance floors as drunk recent college grads drink until they are doable. This is the esscence of a Cougar.

What is a cougar you might ask? Well a cougar is a woman aged 40-49 characterized mainly by her lack of wedding ring and fueled by alcohol, their pre-menopausal raging hormones, and the flesh of young men. What the attraction is between these two groups of the population is is unclear to me. Perhaps it is because many of the potential suitors their own age are already married with children or are impotent. Perhaps these women think that now that they have their new fake breasts they are too good for people their own age and would rather use their new found looks as well as their accumlated wealth to have their own personal little cabana boy. Perhaps the cougars are enchanted by the possiblity that the boy they are hitting on is in fact the baby they had back in '85 and that he miraculously survived the dumpster in which he was tossed outside of the homecoming dance and have gone on to live a full and happy life. I'm not a sociologist so I just don't know. What I do know is that Cougars are not a fad. They are not going away and in fact they have been around for quite some time, contrary to popular belief.

Current cougars needn't fear the evil hand of time, you see as cougars age, they become Leopards. Leopards are women aged 50-59 and are characterized primarily by their spots. While veterans at their craft, leopards often find great resistance from their prey. They can not always count on the romance and games of seduction that cougars are often afforded, instead, because of their saggy breasts and face conjures images of a catchers mitt, leopards must often rely on the greatest aphrodisiac that God ever created...alcohol. Now it a drunken haze, last summer I did indeed make out with a 55 year old leopard in the stall of a women's room, however contrary to popular belief, it was not one of my finer moments as an individual. It was one of those moments that if my father had found out he would have just shaken his head and said, "It's not that I'm mad...I'm just disappointed." Those are always the hardest ones to take aren't they? That leopard tricked me into making out with her! How did she do it? Because leopards have been around for a fucking long time and they have passed down their skills from generation to generation with their rich oral tradition. Ever since they were given the right to vote, women have gradually progressed through the years to the point where they are now able to convince me to follow them into the womens room at the Bottle and Cork and make out with the same lips they kiss their grand kids with. This trend of cougars/leopards is nothing new thats for sure. Just take a look at these flesh hungry menopausal beast from yesteryear.

Mrs. Roper "Three's Company"

I'm not sure what the craze was with sex craved senior citizens back during the days where Three's Company was popular, but Mrs. Roper definitely fit the mold. I don't ever remember her being in any position other than lying on the bed begging Stanley to come to bed, meanwhile he would be sitting at the window checking out girls on the beach with his binoculars....hmmm reminds me of someone I know. This show was great though, I don't know how the writers kept coming up with scenarios where Jack would have a date he would have to hide from Mr. Furly and at the same time hide Janet and Chrissy from the date so she wouldn't get jealous, all the while trying to bang the date without getting Mrs. Roper's leopard claws stuck into him while she tried to convert him from being gay (which was stupid because everyone knows to do that you have to go to Christian conversion camp.) Needless to say, this was a highly sexualized show and Mrs. Roper exemplified all of this. I wonder if Mrs. Roper and Larry ever got it on after a long night of drinking at the Regal Beagle. I could definitely see Mr. Roper slipping Larry some sort of GHB just so he would get his wife off his dong piece. Mrs. Roper really must have felt pretty pathetic knowing her husband would rather beat off while checking girls out through the blinds than bang her, but to be brutally honest, who wouldn't?

Blanche Devereaux "Golden Girls"

To be honest, Blanche was just more of a slut than anything else, it really seemed like the only thing she ever talked about was banging other dudes. I mean I guess if you had to choose which one of the Golden Girls you would probably pick Blance seeing as how the other choices were Betty White, Bea Arthur and Bea's mother who must have been like 110 (how do you expect to get any lubrication??) I think Betty White might have been a bit of a freak, however she was pretty prude. There was that episode where she got felt up by her dentist while she was under and she was upset about that, which I don't really understand. Don't girls like to get felt up? And wasn't that her doctor, making it OK? I always thought the rule of thumb was the only people allowed to touch your privates were doctors and your strange out of work Uncles. Anyway Blanche was a whore and whether she banged guys in their 20's or not the point is she was loose as a goose and hopefully that slut got what she deserved...a terminal venereal illness.

Mona "Who's the Boss"

Saving the old red headed slut for last. It's really unfathomable to think that such a whore of an old lady can produce such an uptight bitch like Angela. Honestly, couldn't you see Angela and Mona on one of those shows like "Maury" or "Jenny Jones" with the title like "My mother is out of control!" I could see Mona coming out in like some mini skirt and a tube top all liqoured up hitting on the other guests on the show and talking about how shes so "happy with her body" and wants everyone to "love her sexy body too" followed by cat calls and "questions" from the audience such as "You are an embarassment. You need to set an example for your grandson!!" Speaking of her grandson, what a fag right? I mean come on, you are living with Alyssa Milano for your childhood and teen years and you try nothing? Are you fucking kidding me you fairy? I can't believe Tony didn't try to toughen that flamer up. I can't even remember what happend in this show, did Angela and Tony end up together? If so I can't wait for the reunion show where it comes out that Mona and Tony were rubbing fuzzies for a 5 year stretch.

I know what you are saying to yourself right now..."I can't believe this cougar craze is just now getting popular when they were under my nose the entire time!" Well next time you settle in for a hot cup of cider and a long night of Nick at Nite remember that these women are not only sluts....they are also pioneers.

Why do brothers have to be killing brothers?

Sean Taylor has died.

I couldn't believe it. I went to bed Monday night with the thought that #21 would pull through this latest setback and come back if not for this year's Superbowl, then definitely for the first game of next year's title defense. When I woke up the next morning I did what I do every morning, go to ESPN.com and see if anyone had died over night. Sure enough, there was the headline. I was shocked, pissed off and I wanted answers. It's really strange how the death of one of your favorite players hits you. I had never met this guy, he didn't really stand out in the media, hes more famous for his run ins with the law and his thug-like demeanor than he is for his work with the community. As much as a tragedy that this is, there are soldiers his age or younger dying in Iraq daily as well as other murders in the streets every day. Yet, as sad as it might be, I really felt like I lost a family member when he died. I even know someone, we'll just call him Dave K., who stated "I'm more upset than if the person murdered had been half of my friends or family," which if you think about it is probably true. I mean, come on half your family is probably a douche bag anyway and I'm pretty sure they aren't a Pro Bowl safety for the Redskins. Irregardless, there are questions that need to be answered in the aftermath of this tragedy.

Who did this?

Honestly, this is not a matter for the police. If anyone knows who did this and how to take care of the situation, it would be Sean Taylor's boys. Seriously, is this situation not exactly like the plot line of Boyz 'n the Hood where Taylor is Ricky, the stud running back who is headed to USC. In the movie, in case you are scared watching Black drama will give you nappy hair, Ice Cube's character "Dough Boy" pisses off some thugs by pointing a gun at them during a scuffle, much like Sean Taylor did when those bitches stole his ATVs. So what happens? Those thugs have to come back and exact revenge by killing Dough boy's brother Ricky, who like Sean Taylor had a girlfriend and out of wedlock daughter who watch him and his amazing potential bleed to death. So after Ricky passes, what do his boys do? They go out and fucking look for the killer. We also see this thug attitude in the extremely emotional episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air where Will gets shot and Carlton decides the has to be a thug and go and kill that fucker who done that to Will. The episode ends with a scene where I fucking dare you to watch without getting choked up where Will pleads with Carlton to give him the gun which he finally does once he remembers he's wearing a fucking bowtie.

Now is this revenge going on right now? I should hope so, because from what it looks like there is no way the cops are going to figure it out. They are still calling this a random robbery, which Antrel Rolle of the Cardinals and a former teammate of Taylor at the U says is total bullshit. He says there is no way this shit was random and that Taylor had a lot of enemies on the streets of Miami. People are sleeping on the girlfriend too. Apparently, she was not harmed AND could not see the killer because she was "under the sheets with the baby." Please, that trick only works when you hide in girls beds who are too drunk and have to pass out. I hope Taylors boys know who did this and they get some justice on that fucker. For the sake of the killer, he better hope they find him because lets just say theres a certain blogger by the name of Ned's Younger Brother heading down to Tampa around Christmas time to do a little water tubing and perhaps some golf, but if I have to take care of bidness, you better fucking believe I will take care of bidness.

Where can we as Redskins fans go to find solace in this time of despair?

The same place my parents told me to look for all my questions growing up. Whether the question was "Why do I keep getting boners during church" to "Why does mommy have a black eye again?" the answer was always, "it's all in the sitcoms." For a look into how to properly deal with the death of a prominent character much like Sean Taylor was for Redskins, you needn't look any further than how the heroic cast of 8 Simple Rules was able to go on when the lead character John Ritter died back in '03. Seriously, talk about bravery, this entire show was based on Ritter's character, yet instead of just calling it a series and hanging it up the fucking money leeching producers decided people wouldn't realize anything was wrong if they just wrote the Dad off and plugged in David Spade as the "wacky cousin" who moves in much like Cody from Boy Meets World.

Will the Redskins be able to recover from this tragedy?

I think without a doubt the Skins will come together over this awful situation. The emotion that comes with the game of football is unparalleled in any sport with perhaps the exception of Poker because there really is no emotional rush as there is when you get a pure hand like KK. Anyways, if the Skins can use the emotion to string a couple games together to make a run for Sean in the god awful NFC and make the playoffs. If they make the playoffs, they immediately become the Saints of last year where they become every one's new favorite team and no one wants to play them. They have already proven that they can win at Green Bay and at Dallas, since they should have won both of those games, so who's to be feared?

If you don't believe me, lets look at an example from the Major Motion Picture Industry. I'm talking about a team that loses it's best player to murder just weeks before their Super Bowl type event. Obviously, the team is down and feels like mailing it in or perhaps quitting altogether. However, they quickly realize that their fallen teammate would not want this to happen, and instead they band together with their newly added teammate to go on and lead the team and their country to victory. Surely, by this point, everyone has figured out that I am referring to the award winning film Beerfest where Landfill dies due to being drown in a giant vat of beer only to be replaced by his identical cousin also named Landfill. I guarantee you that Sean Taylor has a cousin out there, who to most whites probably is identical. The only question that remains is whether he can learn Gregg Williams' defense in time for Sunday's game.

In all seriousness, Sean Taylor will truly be missed. It sounds as though he was turning his life around and my heart does go out to his family and especially his daughter. I'm still in shock at his death and he truly will never be replaced. He was a one of a kind athlete and it really is a tragedy that he went before his time.

Warm up the #8 Car

Three times in two weeks.

No, I know what you are thinking and I am not referring to the number of times my boss has had to sit me down to tell me I'm on thin ice because my personal hygiene is less than stellar and that I'm dead weight to the company. This is referring to the number of times that Jason Campbell has blown it for the Redskins when they were driving for the game winning score in their past two games with crushing interceptions. It really is sad because as well as he has played this season his choking is giving his reputation a bigger black eye than the star of a Lifetime original movie. Jason Campbell is quickly earning the moniker of a "choke artist." People will quickly come to his defense and plead that he is still very young and still developing, pointing out that he has made some pretty incredible throws this season and will get through these growing pains. However, I'm not buying this shit. You know who wouldn't be making these types of rookie mistakes? Thats right, Mark fucking Brunell, thats who. Not only is Brunell a proven Pro Bowl quarterback, hes also a record setter. People forget that shit, but he had the record for consecutive completions for like 4 weeks last year until David Carr broke it. I don't think I need to remind you that David Carr was selected with the first overall pick in the 2002 draft so you know just how prestigious of a record it is.

Why else should Brunell be starting? Oh I don't know maybe a little something called "chemistry" with the wide receivers. Brunell and newfound stud Keenan McCardell hooked up for years in Jacksonville even going 14-2 back in 1999, and I dont think I have to remind people about how dirty Brunell and Santana Moss used to get back in the glory days here in Washington when we beat the shit out of everyone and their fucking mothers en route to losing in the second round of the playoffs to the Seahawks. Another great thing about Mark Brunell is the fact that players can actually understand him in the huddle. Apparently Jason Campbell has such a Southern drawl that players on his own team don't even know what fucking play to run. Might as well have Air Bud: Golden Receiver out there running the plays because I bet he even speaks clearer English than Campbell! And don't even think of changing the language in the huddle to Ebonics, because that would mean Chris Cooley wouldn't know what play was being run and that would just be shitty.

So, what has Jason Campbell really accomplished? He has zero pro bowl appearances. He has never set any amazing records for consecutive pass completions. He has never led the Redskins to the playoffs. He has never thrown two bomb touchdown passes to Santana Moss to beat the Cowboys in Dallas on Monday Night football. He probably fights dogs. He probably hates Jesus. He has a pretty sweet mustache, but that doesn't make up for the fact that hes a fucking choke artist. He's up there with some of the greats of all time too. Let's take a look at his competition:

Ray Finkel

Unless you've been locked up in some gun store basement used exclusively as a sex slave like "the gimp" in Pulp Fiction, which, for the record, is also a dead-on description of my childhood, you probably are familiar with Ray Finkel from Ace Ventura. He's the kicker who used to play for the Dolphins and blames Dan Marino for the kick he missed in the Superbowl. The character was based primarily on Scott Norwood who missed a kick for the Bills in the Super Bowl to win the game in the early '90's and also attended JMU, a notorious safety school. Finkel just went apeshit after he choked in the Super Bowl ultimately leading to his institutionalization and his transformation to Lois Einhorn, police detective. The climax of the movie comes when Dan Marino sees that Einhorn still is packing and everyone in the police force starts throwing up because apparently they all fucked her, even that fat fuck Iguado. God I hated Iguado.

Team Iceland in D2: The Mighty Ducks

Are you serious Iceland? How the fuck do you lose this game to the America? First of all, all of your Hitler youth perfect blonde haired blue eyed children are like 6'5'' and 230 pounds while Team America is featuring little fucks like Kenny Wu and converted figure skater. What kind of pansy ass team has a figure skater? Is the talent in America really that fucking awful that you need to have some little Asian bitch prancing around out there? Not to mention Luis Mendoza. Sure hes fucking fast, however he can't stop, how is this possible, isn't that one of the first things you learn to do, and if Team USA knew this was the case, wouldn't they be able to find someone else who can stop? The most unrealistic player on the team is not Luis, Kenny, or even Charlie, who probably only made the team because Bombay knocked up his mom and in exchange for her having an abortion Charlie would get to play on the national team, its Russ Tyler. Thats right, Kenan from Kenan and Kel, some local kid who the team meets in a pick up game of street hockey in...South Central LA!!! Are you fucking serious Disney? If you think kids in South Central are playing fully padded games of street hockey with roller blades you have got another thing coming to you. Anyways, this team of misfits which remarkably resembles the fucking United Nations gets blown out by Iceland in the preliminary game, like 15-0 or some shit. To make matters worse, old playboy Coach Bombay starts fucking the assistant coach for Iceland, who is obviously stealing strategy and game plans along with Bombay's baby batter. So what happens in the final, yeah Iceland blows the fucking lead because Team USA gets new jersies and they automatically become amazing.

Giving Thanks at Thanksgiving

For thousands of years, Native Americans lived a peaceful and uninterrupted life intertwined with Nature. They lived off the land however treated it with the utmost respect. Disease was foreign to them as were weapons such as guns. They raised their families in small close-knit communities, with little to fear from the outside world. Everything was going great for the Natives, that is until the white man came along. As everyone knows from the classic movie "The New World," in 1607 John Smith led an expedition to do what we whites do best, claim others land as our own. I'm being a little bit too harsh here, I should say we just took their land, we did give the Native Americans some gifts in return. These gifts included alcoholism, small pox, venereal diseases, homelessness, a Trail of Tears, and last but not least, some good old fashioned slaughtering of their women and children.

This is why I love the Thanksgiving holiday so much, you see I grew up thinking that the first Thanksgiving was some big happy event where the Indians and the true Americans (whites) got together probably sang some songs ate a shitload of food and probably watched the big Indian lacrosse games (the NFL wasn't invented back then you dumbfuck.) I remember dressing up like an Indian in preschool with my brown paper grocery bag as my Indian vest and those arts and crafts feathers as my headress and then forced to run around the room singing "10 little Indians." I really believe if there had been Indians from the 1600's present for that performance there would be no way they would have been able to tell we weren't really Indians too, we were that fucking good. Sadly though, I don't really believe that the first Thanksgiving was as peaceful and happy as we are led to believe. I wouldn't blame the Indians if they acted violently against the Americans, what the fuck would you do if some people just pulled into your land and started talking about how it belonged to them because they have guns. I just can't believe they'd be like, "Damn glad to meet you strange gun and venereal disease wielding white folks, please share us in enjoying this sweet ass Cornucopia!!!!"

Anyways regardless of what went down 400 years ago, the bottom line is we Americans get a 3 day work week, not to mention Wednesday night being the biggest drinking night of the year (another tip of the cap to the Indians.) So honestly, I think we need to be thankful to the Indians this Thanksgiving for they deserve our respect and admiration. Without further ado, here are the top 5 Indians of all time.

5) Sacajawea:

For those of you who do not have a Silver Dollar collection like I do and therefore do not know that Sacajawea was honored by the US Treasury Department on tender queerer than everything out there except 2 dollar bills, I'll let you in on the legend of Sacajawea. Lewis and Clark, two explorers were venturing across the country to check out the recent Louisiana purchase. Now this was pre-Katrina so Louisiana came at a high value. Anyway, they hired a frenchman to take them across the territory mostly because his wife was an Indian and spoke Shoshone. One of the amazing and empowering characteristics of Sacajawea to women and to Indians was that she carried her baby, Jean Baptiste (most likely named after Sacajawea's father) with her for the entire trek. Sacajawea proved to be an incredible guide through the Pacific Northwest and because of their travels I think we have a lot of things to be grateful to her for. Just think of all the things that the West coast and the Pacific Northwest has provided us. Starbucks. Hollywood. Gangster rap. San Fernando Valley porn. The album cover of Nirvana "Nevermind." So when you are sitting at Thanksgiving remember what you are really thankful for...that baby swimming in the pool naked about to be caught by that fishing hook with the dollar bill attached to it. Thank you Sacajawea, you are a true Indian hero.

4) Tonto

If you are under the age of 75, you probably don't know who this is. You see apparently in our parents day they didn't have Guitar Hero 3 to entertain them at night. To be brutally honest, they didn't even have Guitar Hero 1, I know I'm thinking the same thing, I couldn't live in a world without Guitar Hero either I would definitely have to pull a 'Cobain' (more kudos to Sacajawea for that one!). Anyways, to entertain themselves, they would listen to the radio and one of the most popular shows was "The Lone Ranger" only he wasn't alone, he had a trusty sidekick named Tonto. Tonto knew the lay of the land and he would guide the Ranger. Tonto was a bit of a controversial character, you see in other languages Tonto means "idiot" or "fool" which producers indicated was purely a coincidence. Either way, Tonto was a great sidekick rivaled only by Robin, Supergirl, and Andy Richter.


3) Notah Begay III

One of the few men in the world who can say that he once hazed Tiger Woods while they were both at Stanford, Begay has made a name for himself on the PGA Tour becoming one of the premiere golfers in the world. Notah first gained fame by shooting a 59 on the minor league tour and then rising up to the big boys and winning a few tournaments. What looked to be a promising career started to take a turn for the worse a couple years ago due to some off course activities. As it turned out Notah exemplifies the Indian stereotype of being a boozer, however is not as good of a drinker and driver as most people I know, so he picked up a couple DWI's along the way. With laws strengthening against multiple offenders the judge in the case decided that jail time was necessary, 7 days to be exact. I know what you are thinking, "This is just ridiculous, he's a professional golfer, he can't afford to spend time away from the golf course for one day let alone seven!!" Luckily for Begay, this was the thinking of the judge as well because he only required Begay to spend the nights in jail, during the daytime, like most prisoners, he was able to leave prison and go play golf. Some say this was letting Begay off the hook, but come on, hes a professional athlete, he deserves the special treatment. I think the real reason he was given such preferential treatment was because the judge knew he was an Indian, and this was just his way of thanking him for all the struggles Notah has suffered through including Stanford, the Buy.com golf tour, and the PGA tour. Begay has lived the life of a nomad, much like his Indian brothers whose land was stripped from them 400 years prior.

2) Chief Wahoo

Wahoo is mentioned here representing all of the athletic teams who have paid their homage to the Indians of the past. Chief Wahoo is the mascot and logo for the Cleveland Indians and one word comes to mind when I think of this tribute: Authenticity. I've never met a real live Indian, however if I did, I imagine he would look exactly like Chief Wahoo. The skin color looks so natural and that smile is just a perfect representation of how happy the Indians were when we stripped them of their women, children, and land. Something else I love about sporting teams which adopt Indian nicknames is that they are always ferocious in almost a Neaderthal type of way. Whether its the Redskins being 'Braves on the Warpath', to the Braves doing the Tomahawk Chop, of Chief Oceola throwing a flaming arrow at the 50 yard line before the Florida State games. This is kind of bullshit though. Obviously Indians weren't all that tough or else they would have been able to dodge our bullets and/or herpes.

1) Zack Morris aka "Running Zack"

Saved by the Bell had some really touching episodes, including the ones where Kelly dumped Zack for that older guy who worked at The Max and Jessie gets hooked on Caffeine pills to the point where she would suck off Mr. Tuttle for another bottle. However, none were as powerful or and poignant as the episode where Zack does the project on his Native American ancestors. You might better remember the episode as the one where we find out that the Spano family was once involved in the slave trade, and Jessie tries to make reparations to Lisa any way she can. You see, Zack was given an ultimatum, either get his shit together in the classroom or he can't run for track team against hated Valley. Speaking of Valley, how shitty of a sports program did they have to have. I mean seriously, Bayside had what, three athletes in the entire school? Slater, Ox, and sometimes Zack? Yet somehow they always managed to beat Valley. Who the fuck was their star athlete? Corky from "Life Goes On?"

Anyways, Zack is referred to some pothead, old hippie surfer, who was apparently part Indian. He lets Zack in on the secret that Zack is in fact part Indian and gives him the official tribal nickname of "Running Zack." I guess the Morris tribe moved across the country as part of the Trail of Tears because last I checked there weren't many tribes hanging out in Southern California. Anyways, out of the blue that old hippie ends up dying on the day Zack is supposed to give his presentation, probably due to his excessive marijuana usage. This inspires Zack to give the same shitty presentation he had planned on giving however he dressed up in full Indian attire to honor the dead stoner, which of course meant he deserved an 'A' and he could run for Bayside. What's the moral of this story? Don't do drugs unlesss you want do die like that old hippie Indian!

That brings us to the end of our list of distinguished Indians, hopefully while stuffing your face this Thanksgiving, you will remember the sacrifices that men and women made for you so that you can have the 2 days off from work.

2007 Dallas Cowboys Senior Yearbook

As you might be able to gather, I am not too high on the Redskins right now. Making matters worse our star receiver Brandon Lloyd just broke his collarbone in practice and is out for the year. I must admit I was incredibly excited when we traded for that piece of shit from the Niners, but looking back on that, I don't really think he was worth the 3rd and 4th round picks we gave up for him. I think the flag should have gone up when the Niners were trying to unload him even though he was a decent receiver. Look at who they have now catching passes, the former quarterbacks from Notre Dame and Penn State (Arnaz Battle and Michael Robinson.) He really has put up some good productions, last year he had what was statistically the worst season ever by a starting receiver, and this year he backed it up with a great campaign, 2 catches 16 yards. Hes had some great deep routes though this season including that last attempt in the Eagles game where he shyed away from the hits rather than catch a ball which would extended the game. But, I should really take it easy on the guy, he does smile in pictures and his teammates say hes good at football, so it should be alright. Anyways, even though we're without Lloyd this week or the rest of the season there still is football to play.

This week the Skins play the Dallas Cowboys who are quickly becoming America's team once again with wonderboy Tony Romo at the helm. I'm sad to say that this rivalry is not what it once was and I would go as far as to say the Redskins - Eagles games are more intense. However, if you go to RFK and sit in the bleachers and are really quiet you can still hear chants of "We Want Dallas." Some say its the spirits of the fans that once inhabited the stands, other say its the wind, however most agree its just my Father after having too many wine coolers and thinking back to his days in the Navy where his roommate's name was "Dallas." Irregardless this city has some serious history with this team. With constant turnover in the NFL due to free agency and player death (Darrent Williams, that other guy on the Broncos who nobody had heard of) there are a lot of new faces on the Cowboys, and I think we should get familiar with them before the big game Sunday. As the Skins start to falter it looks like the Boys are going onto bigger and better things, much like graduating high school seniors, so without further ado, here are your 2007 Dallas Cowboy Senior Superlatives!!!

Tank Johnson Most Felonious

You may not recognized Tank Johnson from Dallas's first 8 games of the season, thats because he was suspended by the NFL for a multitude of reasons including possessing illegal firearms such as assault rifles as well as drugs. He really shores up the defensive line with a fierce prescence, he probably got that from the 45 days he spent in jail earlier this year. Anyways, you really have to hand it to the Cowboys for giving guys second chances. From Leon Lett's excessive drug problems, to Michael Irvin's crack & sex toy parties with hooker in hotel rooms, Dallas has always forgiven players who can perform on the field.

Marion Barber III Most likely to be an Oreo

Now if you look at Barber's field image, fucking jacked, dreads, just runs over people you would think this guy is a thug. However this is not the case at all. This guy didn't grow up in South Central, 8 Mile, Camden, or even Baltimore. He's from fucking Plymouth, Minnesota. I bet his gang fucking ran shit at the Mall of America, he probably used to get into fights with Pee wee hockey players all the time growing up. Must be a pretty fucking tough life when your father was a pro football player too. I bet Barber learned everything he knew about the streets from Boyz 'n the Hood and you know what else, I bet that pussy cried when Ricky got shot at the end.

Leonard Davis Most likely to join Darrent Williams and Eric Clapton's son the soonest

At 6'6'' and roughly 370 pounds Davis is a gigantic man, which can be quite dangerous. You see the life expectancy for people his size is about 50 years old, which if he were living in Nambia, would be the equivalent of 120. But unfortunately for Davis, this is America and it sucks to be him. You know who else it sucks for, his mother. You see Davis has what you might call a big family. Some say a "big family" is 4 kids, well for the Davis family they decided to stop procreating after Leonard who was their 23rd kid. I just think that is the smartest thing in the world, I often think what would happen if I unexpectedly became a father, which will never happen because I practice the safest sex of all - pulling out. But I couldn't afford to have just one child on my modest salary let alone 23. I'm sure the Davises were financially secure and probably spoke to a financial planner before having each child so I shouldn't be judging, but god damn, Mrs. Davis's vag must have been like a deflated parachute after Leonard came out.

Terrell Owens Most likely to pull an "Owen Wilson"

TO has tried it once last year already, I mean who can really blame him, everywhere he goes he is hated, even the fans at his home stadium only like him now because he is wearing their colors. I love the way that his publicist spun the suicide attempt. When asked if TO lacked a will to live, she replied, "He's got 25 million reasons not to commit suicide." Eight years ago he scored a touchdown in Dallas playing for the Niners and sprinted to the Cowboys star and celebrated before he was leveled by George Teague of the Cowboys. This shit would never happen in DC, Deion Sanders was the closest thing we had and everyone still hated him. Everyone says that TO has changed his tune, "Oh, TO is different now, he's a great teammate when he plays for a winner." Know where else I heard this shit? 2004 for the fucking Eagles, how did that end up?

Tony Romo Most likely to experience burning during urnination

As much as I wanted to write about Romo being a flamer, it just doesn't look like thats the case. However, his choice of company is something that one needs to question. First of all, its well documented that he just broke up with Carrie Underwood which signifies he is a fucking idiot. Did he hear what her hit song was all about? How shes gonna fuck up her ex-boyfriend's car and all his stuff, granted it was about cheating, but still shes a fucking nut job and she will fuck him up if she has to. Then he was involved with Britney Spears, real fucking great idea, I personally dig the chemo look and wish she had kept her head shaved. However, when Romo was banging Britney I wonder if he insisted on doing doggy or if hes just a sick fuck that gets off to banging bitches with C-section scars. He probably gets off to that shit, that sick fucker. Romo strikes me as the type of guy who would sweet talk his way into not having to use a condom, he doesn't use my usual go to of drunkenly muttering, "Come on baby, it feels better" then when she says no just throwing on a Magnum knowing full well I am a thin at best and having it slip off during the 150 awkward thrusts in the 90 seconds of passion. He probably has all kinds of great lines to ride bareback, but the bad news for him is that those skanks hes sleeping are carrying friends. At best these friends are known as pubic lice and at worst he will be peeing blood.

This is your team America, I hope you are proud of them. And I must admit, after examining these Cowboys, "True Redskins" aka players no other team wants like Rock Cartwright, Lorenzo Alexander, and James Thrash don't sound all that bad.

Prediction: Redskins +10.5 (You won't find me making a prediction that has the Skins losing, however they won't lose by more than 10 points.)

Political Prisoners in the 21st Century

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Gibbs: Don't let history repeat itself!

Yesterday, in the waning minutes of the Redskins abortion of a game against hated conference rival the Philadelphia Eagles, it occurred to me that the finger of blame needed to be pointed somewhere. Could we point to the fact that Clinton Portis needs to take things more seriously and stop dressing up like a salsa dancing Chinese woman? No, he led the league in rushing yesterday behind a decimated offensive line. Could we point to Jason Campbell not living up to the expectations when he was drafted in the first round? No, he had a hell of a game yesterday with 3 touchdown passes. Could we even point to the defense that gave up the easy scores by the Eagles? No, they were beyond banged up beyond recognition. There is only one place to point the blame. Joe Gibbs. Now in his fourth season, Gibbs has made absolutely no progress and this team is likely to finish the season without a winning record for the third time in his tenure. When he was first hired, many were apprehensive, because it seemed as though there was no way he could ever be fired for the entire city would turn on management. Guess what, they were wrong. Opinion about Gibbs is dropping faster in DC than a Tri-Delt’s panties on senior formal night. The game has obviously passed him by and he is quickly wearing out his welcome in our nation’s capital. In order to maintain his legacy and avoid the embarrassment of people making facebook groups entitled “100,000 strong supporting the firing of Coach Gibbs” Gibbs should step down. Joe really needs to look back at history and see other examples of people wearing out their welcome to see what awful things could end up occurring to him if he sticks around too long.

The Original Vivian: Fresh Prince of Bel Air

You all know exactly what I’m talking about. She was the darker skinned Aunt Viv who was the college professor, strong willed, and really skinny. She lasted for like 3 or 4 seasons when all of the sudden she was replaced with no explanation by the lighter skinned woman who also was a housewife. Why did she wear out her welcome you might ask? Hmm, let me see, maybe because Fresh Prince of Bel Air was on NBC where the closest thing they have to a Black lead actor was that Exterminator on Seinfeld. Viv threatened the white audience. In fact, the exact moment that led to her ultimate dismissal can be identified. It came when Aunt Viv volunteered to teach the African-American history class at Bel Air Prep and all the rich white kids, who were for some unexplained reason really interested in learning songs that slaves used to sing, asked Professor Banks for an example. The moment Aunt Viv led the class in singing, “Wade in the Water” it was over. The next season NBC replaced her without any explanation to the audience by someone who looked completely different and was much less threatening. I love it when shows do this, do they really think their audience is that fucking stupid that they won’t even question the fact that there is an entirely different actor in the show. This shit happened on Roseanne too when they threw in Sarah Chalke to play Becky. That was the most unbelieveable shit, who would ever believe that that hottie could come from Dan and Roseanne Connor, that shit pisses me off.

Anna Nicole Smith

This is another bitch who wore out her welcome in the hearts of Americans. This former Playboy playmate and major motion picture star was on top of the world back in 1994. She had just starred in the critically acclaimed hit Naked Gun: 33 1/3 as the whore girlfriend (pretty big stretch) who as it turned out (spoiler alert) was packing a dong piece. However, all of this success meant very little to her because the real success in her life was that she had finally found true love! In 1991, Cupid shot his arrow at Anna Nicole and he shot it fucking hard! They say love finds you when you least expect it, however Smith proved to be an exception to this rule as she found love in the most conventional of ways. One night, while stripping at a Houston area club, a man was pushed into the club while sitting in his wheel chair. In the middle of her dance, Smith had to stop as her eyes met those of this man, J. Howard Marshall, who, if he were able to walk, would easily be mistaken for a Greek god. It was love at first sight. Coincidentally and entirely irrelevant to their relationship, it turned out Marshall was a multi-billionaire. Anyways, they got married and lived happily ever after. After 13 months of blissful marriage, the couple hit their first roadblock in their relationship…Marshall died. Somehow, Smith was able to get over her grief of the loss of her soul mate and ruthlessly fight his children for his money. She ended up getting a good portion and went onto more great things, such as starring in the Anna Nicole Smith show where she spent most of the time on her fat ass screaming at the camera about how she wanted chocolate. We were also fortunate enough to have her in our lives for those Nutri-system commercials. She was fucking everywhere. Unfortunately, earlier this year, God was jealous that we got to enjoy her talents for so long and he wanted to be entertained by her as well, so he took her away from us. Some say she died from too much weight loss supplement. However, to this day I hold that the real reason she died was because of a broken heart. Finally, she is reunited with her one true love J. Howard Marshall in heaven. Please don’t cry because our time with Anna Nicole is over…smile because it happened!

As you can plainly see, the precedent has been set for Joe Gibbs. Get out now on your own terms or be subject to replacement by a lighter skinned, less threatening man/die due to overdose of nutritional supplements.

Macarena 2K7

I remember coming back from a two week family vacation in Italy, rising into the 8th grade when I was met with this brand new craze hitting popular culture. It was this awesome dance which involved putting your hands forward, behind your head, crossing your hips, and then finally on your ass. The Macarena was amazing, and I was fucking good at it. I couldn’t fucking wait until the first middle school dance where I could show off just how good I was at this dance to my Middle School girlfriends who I really never even talked to. Well, that was 1998, this is now. Times have changed and we have entered a new sexual revolution. I’m not sure why this is exactly, perhaps it’s the rise of Internet porn, perhaps it’s the fact that Magic Johnson showed that if you’re rich then you are actually immune to AIDS, most likely its because Justin Timberlake ripped Janet Jackson’s clothing off at the Super Bowl a couple years back. Nevertheless, the media has changed, music has changed. The fucking Macarena wouldn’t fly at all these days. No, instead the new craze at Junior high dances is this brand new dance.

In case you are Amish and don’t own a radio, yet for some reason stumbled onto this website while searching for some forbidden porn at your local library, let me tell you about this new song called Crank that (Soulja boy) by Tellem. I know, right, you’re saying to yourself, finally, someone spelled Soldier the way Jesus wanted it to be spelled. Anyways, this dance is the new craze, I still haven’t learned it yet because to be honest I’m really scared I might contract sickle cell anemia if I do. While the Macarena sang about happy things like how the lead singer is over a “Boy whose name is Ittolino” with 2 jolly old Mexicans yelling “HEY MACARENA,” Soulja boy takes a different tactic when talking about love. Let’s take a look at the lyrics and dissect the glory that is Crank That and the lesson its teaching to our children.

Chorus: x2]

Soulja Boy Off In This Hoe

Watch Me Crank It

Watch Me Roll

Watch Me Crank Dat Soulja Boy

Then Super Man Dat Hoe

I love the way we get started here, just put it out there that we’re going to be disrespecting women in the first line of the song. It’s pretty much a disclaimer; get out now if you are not a misogynist, if you are, sit back and enjoy the ride! Also, I’m not sure if most people think the artist Tellem (if that is his real name) is a big fan of Superman, but I recently came to find out that Superman entails banging the “hoe” and while you are on top lifting your arms and legs into the air to fly on top of her with your entire weight resting of her as if you’re Superman. Needless to say it’s a pretty hot move and gives the girl lots of pleasure equaled only by her boyfriend either titty fucking her or cumming on her face.

Now Watch Me Do(Crank Dat Soulja Boy)

Now Watch Me yua!(Crank Dat Soulja Boy)

Now Watch Me yua!(Crank Dat Soulja Boy)

Now Watch Me yua!(Crank Dat Soulja Boy)

Now this is just Tellem bragging that he can do the Soulja Boy dance. Real impressive buddy, you fucking came up with the dance I hope you fucking remember how to do it!

[Verse 1:]Soulja Boy Off In This Hoe

Watch Me Lean And Watch Me Rock

Super Man Dat Hoe

Then Watch Me Crank Dat Robocop

Super Fresh, Now Watch Me Jock

Jocking On Them Haterz Man

When I Do Dat Soulja BoyI Lean To The Left And Crank Dat thing(Now Yua!)

I'm Jocking On Yo Bitch Ass

And If We Get The Fightin

Then I'm Cocking On Your Bitch

You Catch Me At Yo Local Party

Yes I Crank It Everyday

Haterz Get Mad Cuz"I got me some papes today"

This is just more bragging by Tellem that since he’s now a major recording artist and will probably come out with a lot more hits much like multiple platinum artists like Chumbawumba or that lawnmower who sang Mambo #5 he can steal any ones girlfriend because hes gotten paid. He also reiterates that he does in fact know how to do the Soulja boy dance, just incase you had forgotten since the opening chorus. Do you ever wonder what goes through rap “artists” mind when they are writing their songs, I mean besides drugs. Seriously, look at some of these rhymes, I know a man by the name of “White Biggie” who could put these lyrics to shame. Larry David had a good bit with Crazy Eyez Killa one time talking about the semantics of a good rap song and the placement of words like “motherfucker” or “bitch,” I would really like to see the notebook that Tellem used much like B-Rabbit in 8-mile. Was he just riding down the road and thought, “You know what? Haterz be getting mad Cuz, ‘I got me some papes today’ Holy shit I’m a fucking genius, I’m putting that in Soulja boy!

[Chorus x2]

[Verse 2:]I'm Bouncin On My Toe

Watch Me Super Soak Dat Hoe

I'ma Pass It To Arab

Then He Gon crank it up 4 sholl (sholl)

Haterz Wanna Be MeSoulja Boy, I'm The Man

They Be Lookin At My Neck

Sayin Its The Rubberband Man (Man)

Watch Me Do It (Watch Me Do It)

Dance (Dance)

Let Get To It (Let Get To It)

Nope, You Can't Do It Like Me

Hoe, So Don't Do It Like Me

Folk, I See You Tryna Do It Like Me

Man That Shit Was Ugly

Ahh, Verse 2, where the whole story finally comes together in a perfect neat little package. It’s where we first learn of Tellem’s affinity for super soaking dat hoe. The beauty of this is that much like a lot of the humor in a movie such as Shrek, Super soaking has a double entendre. This is why this song is such an appropriate song for kids. You see children thing you’re just having a friendly water gun fight when in fact you are really super soaking that bitch….with cum!! Genius. Any chance Virginia can get Tellem to be their next Poet Laureate? Start writing your Congressman now! What I really like about Tellem is that much like the bad boys of TGIF/TNBC, he doesn’t live by any ones rules but his own. Just look at the spelling of his words that I’m pretty sure would even show up in an Ebonics spell check as incorrect. I mean I used to spell words how they sounded, when I was in fucking preschool!!! Count it (plus the penalty, one shot).

[Chorus x4]

[Hook:]Im 2 clean off in this hoe

Watch me crank it

Watch me roll

Watch me crank that roosavelt

And super soak that Hoe [x10]

Im to fresh up in this bitch

Watch me shuffle

Watch me jig

Watch me crank my shoulder work

Super man that bitch [x6]

This is the fucking curtain call for Tellem, he wants to make sure if you go away from this song with anything, you go away with two things, Super soaking hoes and Super manning bitches. As he tells us to do so 16 times in the last couple minutes of this sonnet that would make Bill Shakespeare blush. My only criticism here is perhaps change up the order of the action. Perhaps first Superman, and then Super soak. This might speak more towards Tellem’s endurance as a lover because usually when I get done with my Super soakin’ the last thing on my mind is an old fashioned Superman. Plus, after you’ve supersoaked her you’ve got all your pleasure out, why give her any more by Supermanning her? Just one kink in the armor for Tellem, but hey even Jesus got mad and flipped tables over when people were selling goods at the Temple that time, so I think that Tellem can be forgiven.

Top 5 Athletes in Philadelphia History

Granted, as a Washington area sports fan, I am a little biased in my opinion. However, without a doubt, the absolutely worst fans in the country and most likely the world are Philadelphia fans, specifically Philadelphia Eagles fans. Seriously, how many stadiums advise patrons not to bring their kids to the game because the amount of F-bombs and rowdy drunk fans that are present. Talk about a group of white trash racist fans who get wasted out of their minds and sing their fucking awful fight songs, totally oblivious to the fact that their team hasn't done shit in 50 years. Eagles fans have notoriously booed Santa Claus, thrown batteries at elderly mothers of Redskins players, cheered wildly as Michael Irvin lay motionless on the turf at Veteran's Stadium after a neck injury and possibly paralyzed for life, and cursed perhaps the city's best player and person in the past 50 years Donovan McNabb when he was drafted in 1999 pleading and begging for Ricky "Spliggity" Williams. All Eagles fans are miserable people, but come to think of it I would be too considering the talent that shithole of a city has produced. I'm spoiled, I come from a hotbed of great sporting figures and icons such as boxing legend Sugar Ray Leonard, NBA all-stars Grant Hill, Steve Francis, and Allen Iverson, to sports announcing legend James Brown. Unfortunately for Philly, they don't have all that much to be proud of, in fact I truly have no idea how Philly fans can ever talk shit when all they have to show for themselves is the following 5 athletes. Without further ado, here is the best Philly has to offer:

#5. Vincent Papale

"Immortalized" by the recent movie "Invincible" aka "Rudy goes to the pros" aka "Wayne Chrebet had too many concussions in the NFL therefore was too punch drunk to agree to make a bio-pic," this tells the tale of Vincent Papale a recently divorced bartender who somehow makes it to the NFL and plays for the Eagles. Sure its a nice feel good story for this loser bartender to make the team, however let's step back and look at it from the Eagles' perspective. Was they're team really that shitty that they had to hire some bartender that was so much of a loser that even his own wife didn't want any part of him?? I bet he was an orphan too, his parents probably knew right away that he was a fucking loser and dumped him in foster care. To be honest, I didn't actually see this movie because I refuse to support anything that has to do with the Eagles whatsoever, but I imagine Papale made some big play or something a la Rudy making that sack with his family in the stands after Vince Vaughn threw that sick touchdown pass. But either way, its pretty sad that he makes Philly's top 5 list.

#4 Will Smith

If you are from Philadelphia and you got fucking excited everytime the Fresh Prince theme song came and Will sang "In West Philadelphia born and raised..." then you just need to end yourself, thats it, go ahead, do it, you're life is not worth living. I'll wait for you....ok now that the world is a better place, let's take a look at Philly's #4 best athlete of all time. I'm not going to deny that Will was a tremendous athlete, he was. If you remember back to his days playing on Bel-Air prep's basketball team he fucking dominated. Remember that time that he kissed that busted cheerleader, then went in for the dunk?? Bottom line, that was fucking awesome. I was so pissed at fucking Carlton in that episode. Why the fuck should Will pass the ball to some faggot who wears a bowtie. I never told anyone this, but whenever I watched that show and Jazz would come into the house, I was secretly hoping that he was high on crack and packing heat and that Carlton would look at him the wrong way so he would just pop that sissy. Anyways, the bottom line is that Will Smith was a fucking pussy he bounced out of Philadelphia after one little fight, which was obviously pretty fucking rough. Did you see those gangsters spin Will around their heads??? His stomach could have been seriously upset from that!! His mother was right to worry and ship him across country. I mean Will did deserve that shit though, that was fucked up when the ball rolled over to those thugs and hit their stereo. That shit is expensive/hard to steal!

#3. Smarty Jones

In 2004, Smarty Jones burst onto the Thoroughbred scene by winning the Kentucky Derby and The Preakness, however the horse will forever be immortalized by the fact that Jessica Simpson picked it to win in that classic episode of Newlyweds. A horse as a city's top athlete? Yeah it is sad, but this is fucking Philadelphia people, its a pretty sad city. Much like the local sports teams, Smarty Jones got to the pinnacle of triumph, winning the first two legs of the triple crown, however much like Donovan McNabb gagged on his vomit in the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl, so too did Smarty Jones choke at Belmont. These days, Smarty Jones has become a gigilo, roaming pastures, plugging mares. It must be nice to know that your cum is worth millions of dollars, mine is only worth $2.99. I know because you can buy it now on eBay with a valid Pay Pal account.

#2. Rocky

Once again another fictional figure takes up a spot in Philadelphia athletic lore. Rocky has become the galvanizing persona in all of Philadelphia sports. Some people have statues of presidents, political leaders or even socially significant athletes like Arthur Ashe in Richmond. What is perhaps the greatest landmark in Philly, equivocated only by the Liberty bell? Thats right, the statue of some 'roided up actor playing an underdog boxer. Honestly, Clubber Lang was much more of a badass with a haircut that inspired a nation (including the lead singer of a certain cover band.) I'm not sure what was really more likely, Rocky actually beating Apollo, Clubber, and Drago, or the Eagles ever winning the Super Bowl. Speaking of the Eagles, do you think Andy Reid supplemented his income by whoring out his kids to the underground black market of heroine dealing? Would this really surprise anyone? Just goes to show once again that you can never trust a man with a mustasche.

#1, 1a Andrew Beckett and Miguel Alvarez

Some say the greatest battery in Philadelphia history was Curt Schilling tossing to old Darren Daulton, who is by the way out of his mind these days. However, they would be completely mistaken. You see, Daulton and Schilling, while amazing and all-stars in their own right, were not able switch things up and have Schilling play catcher and Daulton do the pitching unless they planned on getting their shit pushed in by the other team. This is the beauty of Beckett and Alvarez, the stars of Philadelphia and why they are the greatest athletes in Philly history. Alvarez, obviously the "ace" pitcher might put in a good night of pitching, however, if he ever got tired, or just decided he was sick of living and wanted to die from AIDS, he could tap Beckett to do the pitching and he could do the catching. The beauty of this was that it did not matter who was doing the pitching or the catching because ultimately both of their shit was getting pushed in!! This dynamic duo is the epitomy of Philadelphia athletics.

Congrats Philly! Your best is comprised of a horse, a divorced probably orphaned bartender, a sitcom character, the same guy who delivered the line "I'll be the judge of that" in Judge Dredd, and two gays, one of which is dead from AIDS!!!

Ultimate TGIF Badasses

So I'm flipping through the channels this weekend and I come across an old episode of "Family Matters" on TBS. This episode looked like it came from one of the first seasons because Urkel was still Urkel and not that faggot Stephone Urquell. I think that show officially jumped the shark when Urkel created that transporter thing in his basement which would transform nerdy people into cool ones, really great message to kids, if you're not happy with who you are, people will probably like you a lot better if you can somehow make yourelf better looking and cooler.

This episode was a touching one where Urkel and the gang go to a rooftop party and some badass kid whose name escapes me along with his sidekick Waldo Retardo Faldo, who many forget was a bad kid before he started hanging out with Eddie, decide to spike the punch. This episode is also famous because it featured "The Urkel Dance." For some reason at a random point in the episode music starts playing and Urkel starts singing lines such as, "If you want to do the Steve Urkel dance, all you have to do is hitch up your pants!" For some unexplained reason (probably the booze) everyone starts doing the dance and singing even though everyone, including his parents, hates Urkel. Anyway, the badass kid doesn't like all the attention Urkel is getting so he intentionally spikes Steve's drink to the point where Urkel gets fucking wasted. Urkel does what any drunk would do at a rooftop party, he dances over the ledge and eventually has to be rescued. Carl Winslow eventually takes care of business, the badass gets in trouble, and someone makes some shitty joke about how Urkel is going to have a hangover. Anyways, I remember watching this when I was young nearly in tears as I thought the badass was going to kill Urkel, however looking back now I realize that there were a lot of pretty hard characters in the TGIF/TNBC lineups, lets take a look at a few of them:

JT Lambert: Step by Step

In a show which was supposed to be a dysfunctional Brady Bunch, JT represented the leader of the clan from the other side of the train tracks. He was supposed to be the Greg Brady that you didn't want to bring home to your parents. He lived by no ones rules but his own. He fucking hated his Step sister Dana from the moment they met and called that bitch "Barky." Speaking of which, is it strange that the kids of the newly married parents had never met each other before they started living with each other. Wouldn't that be one of the first things you would do before you got married?

JT's posse included his little brother Brendan, his dyke sister Al, his friend the Hobbit, and his cousin Cody. Pretty tough crew, Cody is actually the only guy who gives him any sort of street cred because hes actually been to jail for spousal abuse in real life. I wonder how many girls the Code-man slayed in that kickass van of his in the back yard. Did he even have a job or anything or was he just some homeless guy whose parents hated him much like Urkel. And where the hell did that Surfer accent come from? They live in fucking Wisconsin! Anyway JT lost all street cred and toughness in the episode where that hot chick who was way out of his league and looked like the Doritos girl wanted to "do it!!" JT was too much of a pussy and almost came to tears telling the girl he wanted to wait. I think this same scenario happened with Cody, who claimed he was a virgin. That was the biggest crock of shit I'd ever heard, Cody was so fucking cool even I'd fuck him.

Shawn Matthews: Boy Meets World

Another character who was from the wrong side of the train tracks and lived by no one's rules but his own, Shawn was in effect an orphan. His father was a trucker who was on the road all the time while his mother was never heard from during the sitcom's run, most likely because she was a hooker. Shawn could be recognized by his long hair parted in a butt cut, yet swayed in front of his eyes so he would have to brush it out. How do I know so much about this? Because as a young pre-teen I wanted the exact same hair! I would purposedly have my hair fall in front of my eyes and quickly brush it away just like Shawn used to do, just because he was a badass. Everything about Shawn was fucking badass, even the actor's name who played him: Rider Strong. Sure it sounds like the name for a gay porn star, but so does Wyatt Earp and we all know that he was fucking hard. Anyway, Shawn had a couple of true badass moments, the first coming when he decides it would be fun to take up drinking, which is fucking awesome. The greatest thing about this is that within 24 hours, Shawn goes from never having tasted a sip of alcohol, to breaking down after being confronted by his friends and the family of his friends (since his family hated him). Another badass moment comes towards the end of the line for the sitcom. When Shawn dates.....the black girl!!! Such scandal, especially in a city like Philadelphia where they idolize the fictional White boxer "Rocky" rather than an actual real boxer Joe Frazier who is Black.

Shawn's posse is definitely more legit than JT's however, that really isn't saying much, especially when his right hand man Cory gets no street cred for dating and ultimately marrying that fat bitch Topanga. She was a fucking psycho too if you remember early episodes of the show. That bitch's mom was into holistic medicine and shit. I bet she was some palm reading hooker and thats how Topanga was conceived. In fact I'd be willing to bet that Shawn and Topanga share the same mother, maybe even the same father. Also in Shawn's posse is Joey Lawrence's little brother who played Shawn's long lost brother, another shocker, Shawn's trucker father impreganated another hooker on the road...word to the wise Shawn, double bag it with that Black girl, sounds like that Matthews sperm is pretty potent.

AC Slater: Saved by the Bell

Perhaps the most notorious TGIF/TNBC badass, Slater made his entrance to Bayside High as the Army brat who had moved all across the country and the world with his Seargent father. He was the tough kid, didnt have any time for friends, what with being the captain of the football and Wrestling team. It wasn't until he met the whole gang at Bayside where we saw a softer side of Slater and he found out what true friendship really meant.

If you were to tune into Saved by the Bell for the first time you would be able to tell Kelly was the cheerleader, Zach was the schemester, Screech was the nerd that all the cool kids let hang out with them so they could cheat off him (much like someone I know named Tony), Jessie was the psychotic feminist doomed to working as a stripper, Lisa was black, and Slater was the badass. How would you know this about Slater? Well first there is the ripped body always shown off by a skinny tank top, not many people can pull this shit off but the great thing about Slater was that if you suggested he didn't look good, he would pound your stupid fucking face! I could just see Slater in a fight just beating the shit out of one of those token nerds with the gigantic horn rimmed glasses always held together at the nose by tape, "Fuck you you fucking nerds! Take this, and that! I'm fucking half-Spanish!!" Also helping Slater's cause was his treatment of women. Now, why he would ever be interested in a high brow self-righteous feminist such as Jessie Spano is beyond me, probably because hes fucking smart and saw she was weak, hence the episode where she was dependent on caffeine pills. Either way, AC Slater gets whipped by no woman and even though that bitch tried to get respect, Slater still oinked at her and called her "hot momma" because the bottom line was, AC could beat the shit out of her and she knew it, so she let him call her those names. Also, AC had a big dong and she liked that shit too...whore. Mario Lopez (AC Slater in real life for those of you that may be retarded) also showed is disrespect for women on his honeymoon with Ali Landry, the smoking hot Doritos girl. Lopez, like Slater proved that some birds aren't meant to be caged when he cheated on his new bride within 48 hours of being married. My guess? Landry was holding out until they got married so Slater went through the formalities of the wedding then laid some pipe, got bored and went out hunting for something new and strange.

Taking away from Slater being a true full fledged badass: The fact that he can dance. Did you see that homo dance in the Swan Lake performance? That was so ridiculous. Then Slater signs up for dancing with the stars, while I wouldn't go as far as to say Mario Lopez is a "star" he still got pretty far in the competition. Another negative is the fact that the band the gang was in was not named after Slater. "Zack Attack" would have been a lot more popular had they been named something like "Slater's Sluts" or "AC's Assholes." People would have been terrified that if they didn't buy their cassettes then Slater would beat the shit out of them. More turmoil for Slater occurred when he got into the fight with Zack over that transfer Tory. First of all Zack was a great friend and Slater's fists are deadly weapons. Why would you ever want to kill your friend, unless of course your name is Javon Walker who probably ordered the hit on Darrent Williams. Second of all, Tory was not that hot and kind of a dyke if you ask me. There were other hotties out there Slater, let Zack deal with the consequences when things get a little uncomfortable in the bedroom and Tory turns out to be a deviant and insists on wearing a strap on. Outside of that, AC Slater was truly a teen badass in every sense of the word.