Happy Halloween!

I hope everyone is having a very blessed and safe Halloween today. I hope you are not one of those jackasses in the office who decided to dress up. There are a few of those walking around today, of course they are the talk of the office because it is just so outrageous. I really don't know what people get more excited for around here, when someone dresses up in some lame ass Clown costume or when 3 people wear the same colored shirt on the same day. People go ape shit over that, "Why didn't I get the memo?!?!?!" Honestly, there are days where I've walked into the office and seen that 2 other people in my group are wearing the same colored shirt and rather than dealing with awful jokes all day long I've seriously considered either 1) Hoping that no one saw me and running home and calling in sick or 2) Plummetting off the 5th floor balcony to my death.

Anyway, I digress, I wanted to touch on today's holiday. A day no doubt invented by pedophiles and sexual predators. I mean come on, think about it, all the registered sex offenders have got to be licking their chops tonight, especially for those kids who are going out tonight trick or treating for the first time without their parents. Personally, I wish they had a flag design which means you are a registered sex offender just like the queers have with that rainbow. I would fly that shit tonight so none of those fucking kids in their shitty costumes would come knocking on my door.

You can always tell which houses are the pedophiles because they are always the houses that make you come inside to get the candy or better yet, don't have any candy at all, they just have a big bag of pistachios and they allow the kids to grab a handful. I would also like to know where the legend of the razor blades in the apples came from. How fucked up of a person would you have to actually put razor blades into an apple, give it to a kid, and then just sit there all night hoping that a report ends up in the Daily Gazette that some kid had to go to the hospital due to an apple he got trick or treating.

As you get older, Halloween takes on a different meaning. Like most people I stopped trick or treating years ago and turned my intention to Christ's true meaning of Halloween: bitches dressing up like sluts! It was explained to me at one point that deep down, it is every girl's dream to dress like a whore. Lucklily for them Halloween allows them to express themselves without being called out by other girls. It's not a nurse, its a slutty nurse; It's not a butterfly, its a "slutterfly"; It's not Condoleeza Rice, its a slutty Condoleeza Rice; You get the picture. While this obviously is the one true purpose of this holiday, not everyone is able to sucessfully pull off the hot slut costume (eg. guys and fat, ugly bitches.) So what do they go to, equally embarrassing outfits.

Gay costume:

You all knew those guys in college who somehow incorporate into their costume not wearing a shirt or just wearing a wife beater. Much like its always a girl's dream to dress up like a slut, its always these guys dream to be a homo. They are the same guys who try to dress up like Sonny and Cher with their beard of a "girlfriend" only he is Cher and she is Sonny!!! Can you believe how outrageous that shit is? You know the guy is really digging the mini-skirt which was totally his idea until his boys are like, 'what are you a queer' at which point Cher goes into total defense mode where hes like, 'No, man its my fucking girlfriend, I fucking hate this shit, but I'm trying to get some fucking pussy right," followed by grunts and possibly some awkward laughter.

Unoriginal Costume

This is the costume that when you decide to dress up like it for Halloween, you know you are going to run into about 20 other people in the exact same outfit as you, yet you still insist on taking a picture with them to be like, 'Oh my god, can you believe this shit, someone else is totally in my same outfit, but I totally pull it off better and I want everyone on Webshots to know it!!" You know what I'm talking about, I think back to my senior year in college when the "Call on me" video was the absolute rage. Every girl on campus dug into their work out clothes and somehow they were all able to piece together the perfect outfit only to find every other girl on campus had the same amazing idea! I mean these bitches looked like they came straight out of the music video, except for the fact that they weren't hot. These days you can find this problem with Borat. I admit, even I thought for a second about being Borat for Halloween, I mean I've got it all, black curly hair, a grey suit, I can even make two thumbs up signs and scream "High Five" ever 5 minutes. Unfortunately for me I haven't hit puberty yet so I can't grow a kickass mustache, therefore the shit just wouldn't work. I love those guys though that are like, "Wait until you see my costume this year, you are just going to flip!" Then the guy dresses up like Borat quickly finding 20 other Borats at the same party yelling out the same Borat quotes about America and mules being more important than their wives. Pretty fucking original guys, nice work.

Clever Costume:

This is something that people don't get automatically, most of the time it has to be explained to someone and then they laugh. These are typically the costumes that end up winning the money in the bar sponsored costume contests and are normally very strong. However, problems can arise when you are at a party dressed up like something that needs to be explained to people and heavy drinking is involved. For example, someone might think it would be funny to dress up like a "White out bottle" or some shit and have a rival school's name on the bottle as if to say, "Tech U is so fucking stupid the need to White shit out all the time." You might think is funny and your friends might get it, but then you remember you went to school in the South, and that guy across the room "dressed" like a CCR fan keeps giving you the eye. Finally, he gets the drunken courage to come talk to you. "I like your costume," he says. Then he leans over and whispers quietly, "Good to see we're still around." You give him a look of confusion and sensing this he tries to make things clear: "I didn't know we still had Klan in these parts."

You see, because of all this confusion and embarassment its best to go with the classics, like Fred Flintstone, Superman, or a good old fashioned clean American baseball player tonight when you go out. Anyway, enjoy the candy and remember that Christ died for us so that we could enjoy that candy.

We win when it matters: Super Bowl XLII Redskins 21 Patriots 17

52-7....no, I know what you are thinking and that is NOT a tally of how many girls Keder has slept with and how many of those girls did not have an STD, its the final score of the Redskins game yesterday. Sure I laughed at the fact that they were 17 point dogs in the game. Sure I told you to take them straight up. Sure I said Tom Brady was an ass pirate deadbeat father. Well I am man enough to stand up and accept the fact that an ass pirate handed it to the skins yesterday. But seriously, should we be worried? Absolutely not! Should we be encouraged by the outcome of the game yesterday? Sure as sugar we should be! Ned's bro's gone fucking crazy hasn't he? He had a few too many brewdogs at homecoming and has finally lost it! If thats what you think, you can go fuck yourself, however I would like to point out some instances in blockbuster films most of which is based on true stories which would lead one to believe that the Skins are not in fact finished, yet to the contrary we have the Pats and the rest of the NFL right where we want them and it is now inevitable that the Redskins will beat the Pats in Arizona for the Super Bowl. Without further ado, here are some of the greatest season turnarounds in theatrical history:

Little Giants

To the best of my knowledge this movie was based on a true story. Remember what happened the first time the Giants played the Cowboys? Thats right they got it handed to them just like the Redskins, the Giants didn't even have uniforms and their best player was some dyke girl named "Icebox." Meanwhile the Cowboys are filled with kids who were probably all on HGH and all resembled Hitler's perception of the perfect child. Well you know what ended up happening? The Giants got that hottie to play QB for them, the dyke chose to be straight and Rad Tad got rabies. All these things culminating in the Giants winning that shit on that illegal play. Oh and on a side note, how the hell are we meant to believe that Al Bundy and Rick Moranis are brothers? The only explanation I can think of is that they both have the same mother, yet one night she got really drunk and ended up getting knocked up by the Dunkin Donuts guy and had Rick Moranis 9 months later.

Cool Runnings

Amazingly, this movie was actually based on a true story, contrary to general sentiment in the South, this is not a science fiction movie. These boys from Jamaica make what could be argued as the greatest turn around out of anyone on this list. Just a few months before the Olympics they had never even seen snow or even knew what a bobsled was. However, that quickly changed when they got the compulsive gambling coach who teaches them everything they need to know about Bobsledding and more importantly, about how to be men. Fighting through the notorious hotbed of racism, Calgary, it only takes a single montage set to Calypso beats to get from being the worst bobsled team of all time to a competitive squad. It really is amazing that their first run down the track they can't even get into the sled, but once they paint their sled, give it a sick nickname and practice for like half an hour in their bathtub they miraculously turn into medal contenders. Unfortunately reality actually hits and their sled breaks down nearly making the entire team Kevin Everretts but seriously, who needs medical attention when you can carry your sled to the finish line. It's really a heartwarming finish where even the super racist Swiss captain congratulates Daurice on a good race. Everyone always overlooks this, but do you think John Candy, in his search for the mortal lock of a bet, sabotaged the bobsled? This would make perfect sense, he bet everything he had against the Jamaicans and tampered with the brakes and made out like a bandit. Obviously the Redskins will not be exactly like this, Dan Snyder would never allow for that abortion of a bobsled, so ours would have obviously finished the race and won the gold just like we're going to knock off the Pats in the Super Bowl.

Hardball

Probably best known for their tribute to Notorious B.I.G. by the entire team singing "Big Poppa" and waving their hands in the air roughly 50 times during the movie, Hardball is what I like to call, what would happen if Mighty Ducks took place in the Hood. This movie follows the lead of the previous two by initially having our protagonists, the "Kecumbas" being just awful at baseball, which is in itself a total shocker that this team full of black kids from the inner city is actually playing baseball. Pretty realistic, I'm sure they wouldn't rather play sports they actually are good at like basketball, dice, or impregnating women out of wedlock. Anyways, Keaunu Reeves plays some drunk compulsive gambler who is up to his ears in bad luck and is eventually forced to coach this group of kids as punishment for his debts. What the fuck kind of bookie punishes the bettor by making him coach kids? If this happend in real life Keanu would be fucking dead. Oh, and why did the Kecumbas need a drunk compulsive gambler as their coach, couldn't they just get one of the kids' dads to coach the team...oh wait, nevermind. The Kecumbas first play their rivals and just get smoked, probably because the other team is rich and actually has uniforms, they probably even have dads too. As time goes by, Keanu hits a hot streak gambling so of course he buys the kids uniforms which suddenly makes them amazing baseball players and they go on a tear on the field winning everything and eventually making it to the championship game where they play their archrivals. Sadly, we have to hear the tale of their glory in the eulogy Reeves gives for the 8 year old kid who was on the team and got the game winning hit...it still brings tears to my eyes when I think of Reeves talking about how little G-Baby lifted his arms in the air as if he was "lifting the weight of the world." Anyway, I didn't feel sorry for that kid, if he didnt want to get shot in gang related violence then he shouldn't have chosen to live in the Chicago projects. I mean seriously, you really think you're safe living there? Bite the bullet and pay the extra money to live in the suburbs already! The moral of this story is that the Kecumbas turned things around and ended up winning it all, and so will the Redskins.

Greatest comeback outside of the Beatles

So, yesterday I'm driving home from work listening to some tune-skis and the DJ comes on. In an almost apologetic tone he announces the next song is the newest from the....SPICE GIRLS! This got me to thinking. Remember how hot they all were 10 years ago. Let's just say I used to watch the video for "Wannabe" the same way some people I know watch Shakira music videos. However, the more I look back on these amazing talented performers, the more I realize just how heinous they all really are.




Posh Spice


The only spice girl that I would actually consider attractive, she actually "made it" by graduating to fame post Spice by marrying David Beckham. In many social circles she is known as "Anhorexic Spice." You know whats really hot? Getting breast implants that are in proportion to your body then dropping 20 pounds to become a twig and having incredibly out of place big boobs. I also love that Posh and Becks named their first kid "Brooklyn" becuase that is where he was conceived. Thats gotta be nice for the kid growing up and anytime he hears his name he can think of his dad thrusting his mom, probably drunk and definitely doggy in some NYC hotel. I'm just happy my parents didn't use this method in naming me. "Fraternity Party Dance Floor" just doesn't roll off the tongue as well as "Brooklyn." It would be nice though to sit around the dinner table every year on my birthday and hear the tale of how I got my name: "Well it was the annual Jungle Juice party at Pi Kapp and boy did Chugger make them strong that year!!!"



Baby Spice



Also known as the "fat blond one" she has really gotten lost in the mix, I wouldn't be surprised if she turned up in some low rent porno shot with one of those gigantic video cameras like the one Kalie's dad used in "The Butterfly Effect." She reminds me a lot of the love interest in "King Ralph," you know that self righteous stripper who was too good to take off all her clothes. I remember watching that movie when I was like 10 and I was so pissed off she stopped stripping. You're a stripper, this is your job!! Anyways, Baby Spice has got to be one of the happiest people in the world since the Spice girls are getting back together. I mean what the hell else was she going to do with the rest of her life, travel around to colleges singing the lines that she had in the original Spice girls songs? I could definitely see her singing at some shitty bar like McFaddens where they charge like a $5 cover to get in and no one shows up.



Ginger Spice

Real creative on your nickname by the way. "Her hair is red, just like Ginger from Gilligans Island! Americans love Gilligan's Island!!!!!" Personally I think the Spice Girls as well as her solo career would have been a lot more successful had she been known simply as "Firecrotch Spice." I mean it lays it all out there for you. She has red hair AND she is British, because obviously Brits are known not to shave down there. Ginger was the one Spice girl that was able to branch out the same way Justin Timberlake did from N'Sync. Their careers would be identical had JT turned out to be a no talent ass clown who failed miserably on his own and had to go crawling back to his original group for some pathetic pipe dream reunion tour because he had to resort to turning tricks just to pay to get his patented red hair dyed. So yeah, you can say that Ginger has done pretty well for herself.



Sporty Spice

Also known as "Flat Spice" or "Dyke Spice," Sporty Spice was the Spice girl that was hired to appeal to the carpet munching portion of America. Ok, you like to play sports, thats amazing. The only sports I want from the Spice girls is maybe some foxy boxing or mud wrestling, thats about it. Word to the wise ladies, men are not attracted to women who could probably kick the shit out of them. Men want girls that they know they can beat the shit out of. It's like a married woman flirting with a guy at a bar. It's not like they ever would, but it's nice to know that if you had to you could.



Scary Spice

Better known as the Black one, Black people often complain why she's got to be the scary one. To be honest, the only things she's ever scared is men's penises from getting erections. Scary Spice has snuck back into the news in the past year by getting knocked up by Eddie Murphy. This really has to make someone question Eddie's taste in women. First he picks up that transvestite hooker, but of course he was only giving her a ride because it was a bad neighborhood. Then he knocks up Scary Spice?? Are you kidding me? Out of all the women in the world that he could get with, much less knock up he chooses her?



Needless to say, I am ecstatic about the upcoming reunion tour, make sure you get your tickets early because there is no doubt in my mind that all their fans who were 14-16 ten years ago are going to be in the front row this year now that they are in their mid-20's.

Golden (shower) boy

As many know, the Redskins continue their path to the Super Bowl through New England this weekend. Tom Brady, golden boy, has led the Pats this year to a 7-0 record with no game really even being close. He is on record pace with 27 TDs with only 2 Interceptions. He's dating a supermodel, women want him and men want to be him. Before you supersoak your computer screen, I would like to remind you that Brady is no Superman. In fact he is no better than your run of the mill douche bag. Here are the top 5 reasons:

5. Yankees Hat

If you'll remember back to earlier this year, Brady was caught by the paparazzi walking the streets with Gisele wearing a Yankees cap. No big deal right? Wrong, Brady is an icon in Boston and it was a complete douche move to wear that shit. From a local perspective, just think what would happen if Jason Campbell was seen on the streets with his supermodel girlfriend wearing a hat of the hated Marlins. We'd be pleading with Gibbs to start Brunell! Nobody disrespects the Nats like that! I'm so heated right now, I can't imagine what Red Sox fans thought, I mean, their team has nearly as much history and tradition as the Nationals and Brady actually wore that shit!

4. Man Purse

Made famous by Jerry Seinfeld in that episode where he plays the queer, Tom Brady has been spotted carrying his man purse, no doubt to hold his diaphragm and tampons. I got a news flash for you Brady, you are not a woman/off broadway actor trying to earn some extra income by whoring his mouth out in public restrooms. You are a professional football player. You do NOT carry a purse. How his teammates did not give him an overwhelming amount of shit on this one really should cause Pats fans some concern. It makes you wonder if this whole Gisele thing is really a beard and whether Brady really spends the offseason with John Amaechi summering in Paris.

3. Deadbeat Dad

Sure there are athletes out there who have fathered multiple children by multiple women. Travis Henry (9 children by 9 women), Shawn Kemp (7 children by 6 women), and Elijah Dukes (5 children by 3 women including one foster child of his grand parents) come to mind. However, these individuals have something inherently different about them. Thats right they aren't considered America's golden boy. I sincerely feel bad for Bridget Moynihan, how is she ever going to raise that child on her own on an actress's salary. I also feel bad for her because the reason she and Brady broke up was because she wanted kids and he didn't, BUT HE STILL GOT HER PREGNANT! This makes Tom a liar and a deadbead and most importantly, a douchebag. Someone needs to teach Tom that the pull out method is not full proof. Don't be a fool Brady, wrap your tool.

2. He knows what Leonardo DiCaprio's dick tastes like

How could you possibly date someone who has had little Leo in their mouth. It's not like in college where you see your girlfriend's ex out at the bar, and he laughs at you with his buddies. This guy has been in award winning movies. Imagine being Tom Brady, settling in for a quiet night with "What's eating Gilbert Grape" and then unknowingly finding out a young DiCaprio delivers an inspiring performance as the mentally handicapped brother of Gilbert. All you would be able to think about is, "I can't believe that fucking retard fucked my girlfriend!" Brady can't even turn on Nick at Nite because god forbid an old episode Growing Pains might be on. I mean seriously, I almost feel sorry for the guy, but then I remember, this guy could have any woman in the world he wanted, but he chose the girl who had been banged by Frank Abagnale, Jr.

1. Tom Brady: Town Abortionist

I'm not so sure if people quite remember this, but back in early March, there were reports that Gisele was pregnant at the same time that Moynihan was about 6 months along. Reporters were in no way treating this as rumor, this was treated as a fact. However, just a couple days later, Bunchen came out with a statement that she was not actually pregnant. Simple mix up? Unfounded rumor? I think not. It's pretty obvious what went on here...Tom Brady is no better than a back alley abortionist! While Moynihan's child sleeps comfortably in his crib, Bunchen's child is probably nestled up against a half eaten bag of Funyons in some San Fernando Valley dumpster. Brady obviously talked to his publicist after they found out Gisele was preggers who advised him that it would not look good for his image if he were to be a daddy of two born within months of each other. Since the paparazzi would have a field day had they shown up to to a Planned Parenthood, Brady obviously took the matter into his own hands. I for one am appalled that Brady could do something like this. This is not fucking Sparta where they throw away all the babies that weren't perfect. This is America! If this is the best we have to offer, then I seriously might have to consider moving to a place where their Golden Boy is someone who is intelligent, hilarious, and highly skilled at his craft. Of course I'm talking about Canada and their knight in shining armor Daniel Negreanu. OHH CANADA!!!

Lock of the century - Redskins straight up - if any dumb Patriots fan tries to bet you this week and offers you the 17 points that Vegas is saying we are the underdog by, laugh in their face, we all know the Skins own the Pats (6-1 alltime with the only loss coming in 1972).

Nothing like a nice Mexican Spinal Surgery!

Why Friday Night Lights? Why? What was once one of the best shows on television has quickly taken a turn for the worse. Perhaps it is the fact that they are trying to fit about 2 years of story lines into the 6 allotted episodes that NBC has given them that hs made the show so awful. But what was once a realistic show about a small town in Texas has now become almost completely science fiction.


Last year story lines featured beleivable situations such as racist coaches, steroids, and quarterback controversy. This season is now revolving around born again Christians, murder cover ups and subsequent murder induced adrenaline fucks, and the paralyzed quarterback GOING TO MEXICO TO FOR EXPERIMENTAL SURGERY SO HE CAN WALK AGAIN. I mean seriously, Mexico is more known for its diahrrea than it is for its doctors. I really hope Street walks into the doctor's office and he is met by a guy who looks just like Pedro from South of the Border offering a burrito and some illegal fireworks as incentives for doing the surgery with him. Wasn't it just last week that he was making progress with his motor skills giving him hope to walk again? This is ridiculous, although I am impressed by his good judgement at the end of the episode when Riggins hops in the car to go to Mexico and immediately tosses Jason a brew dog. Street says they are not in Mexico yet, therefore he can't drink and drive, which upsets Riggins. I mean I would be pretty upset too if my friend wouldn't drink and drive with me in the car...oh by the way, he's still paralyzed and barely has control over his hands. I'm sure hes an amazing drunk driver as most of us are, but I'm not so sure drinking and driving while paralyzed is the best idea.







As for the murder drama, Landry and Tyra are shaping up to be the unlikeliest couple since Jon Lovitz and Tia Carrere in High School High. I mean seriously, you have to start to question it when even the father of the guy questions the girl on why she is with him. I mean its pretty obvious the only reason she wants him is because he murdered that rapist. It's the same logic that OJ uses to get chicks. He just tells them Ron Goldman was trying to rape Nicole. Of course, they then ask him why he killed Nicole too: "Because she was a slut." Anyways, I can't wait for the episode where things start to cool off between the two of them and Landry realizes the only way he can win Tyra back is by killing someone else. So he lures some hobo out to the woods with the promise of a hot meal and kills him with a hammer. Of course this will terrify Tyra, however Landry will try to justify it. "That hobo would have rode the train for free if I hadn't have done what I done!!" I don't really see things looking good for old Landry down the road. In fact, the way the show is going I could really see the series finale feature Landry strapped to the electric chair as Tyra cries uncontrollably from the observation room screaming "I LOVE YOU LANDRY" and mouthing "thank you" and Landry screaming, " I WOULD DO IT AGAIN TO PROTECT YOU!!!"

"I am not a role model"

Charles Barkley very astutely pointed out years ago that he was a basketball player and not a role model. Many criticized him for this stance saying that he was in the public eye and so many kids looked up to him and idolized him, however he really did not want to be responsible for raising the children of America. It's a pretty good thing too because a couple years later he went ahead a threw a guy through a plate glass window at a strip club.

As much as athletes may not want to be role models they are, and if kids are looking up to these guys, then I truly fear our future. I'm not quite sure what it is with athletes these days, whether its the increased media coverage exposing their warts or just the failure of the public school system, but I really have to wonder what is going through some of these guys minds.

Andray Blatche Washington Wizards

This guy really is one of a kind. Drafted in the second round of the 2005 NBA draft straight out of high school in Syracuse, Andray showed a lot of promise with the Wizards. Unfortunately, his prowess on the court did not transcend into other aspects of his life. Those aspects include everything other than basketball.

Andray's rookie year in the league got off to a rocky start. He was unable to compete in training camp, but the circumstances weren't quite like those of most athletes who miss out on the training period. He didn't have a sprained ankle or broken collarbone or even an ACL injury. No, thats right, he was recovering from a gun shot wound. Apparently he decided to consort with the wrong crowd (Peter "Party" John Ramos) and after leaving a club the two 7-footers were car jacked and Andray was shot. Sure, this was not Andray's fault, however this was not the only blemish on Blatche's resume.

Over this past offseason, Andray was excited. Last season Blatche put up strong numbers and looked to be extremely improved. It looked as though he would get quite the pay hike which should have made everyone happy right? Wrong. Teammates went on record seriously concerned about what Andray would do with his new found fortune. They saw just how quickly he would run though his salary when he made $400,000/year and they did not know what this new found wealth would produce. During the past two seasons there have been reports that Andray was spotted in the Verizon center late at night. Was he practicing free throws with Gilbert? Nope, he was living there. Thats right, he couldn't afford his rent because he had spent all his salary elsewhere and was in effect a homeless professional basketball player. Imagine getting a paycheck for about 10X what you get right now and not being able to cover your cost of living. Honestly, what the hell is this guy buying? There are only so many tires on your car that need rims! I really don't think I could spend all that money if I tried. This was all a mystery until August 2, 2007 when we got a good look at exactly what he was blowing his money on. Or better yet, how his money was blowing him.

Sports talk radio was buzzing, Andray Blatche was arrested for soliciting a prostitute around 3am. Your initial reaction is probably, whatever even Hugh Grant got a hooker. But in a world where NBA groupies are everywhere with documented cases of women digging into trash cans to find dirty condoms after sex to try to get themselves pregnant with an NBA player, why they hell is Blatche cruising the streets of DC looking for some skank. Pretty smart guy.

Ron Artest Bulls/Pacers/Kings/Tru Warrior:

Everyone knows Artest from his Malice at the Palace fame and even from his fledgling rap career when he asked his coach in Indiana if he could take the first month of the season off so that he could rest up after his offseason of promoting his rap album. But many people do not know about his first offseason in Chicago when he attempted to do some moon lighting.

Artest, obviously a huge fan of music was not content at all with his speaker system in his car. He was also not content with the price Radio Shack was charging for the speakers that he so desperately coveted. So, with his $1.1 million salary plus endorsment, Ron Artest applied for a job at Radio Shack in the offseason in order to get the employee discount. In addition to this under references, Artest listed Jerry Krause, general manager of the Chicago Bulls. When Radio Shack called Krause for his reference he informed them that it would be a breach of contract for Artest to work there and lit into Artest.

Kwame Brown Washington Wizards/Lakers

Boy, can the Wizards pick em. Drafted first overall in 2001 Kwame was dubbed as a savior for the Zards. Michael Jordan was going to sculpt him into an absolutely amazing talent. Problem was, the Wizards didn't factor in that not only had this kid ever lived in a town with more than 200 people in it. He was also a fucking retard.

Kwame came into the league at the tender age of 18, the same age that most of us move onto college. At that point in our lives we are deemed able to fend for ourselves, keep ourselves healthy and live normal lives. Kwame is not like most of us. Early indications were out there when Brown was forced to miss a game due to food poisoning. Oh, thats not that bad you might say, however it was how he got poisoned. Apparently its not all that healthy to eat KFC for every meal for 2 straight weeks, especially when you are a professional athlete. Now I knew certain people in college who ate nothing but Oyster crackers, cereal, and waffles for every meal, however by no means were they professional athletes...well, ok, he did play a varsity sport but it was golf, come on people, you don't need to carb load for that.

Kwame actually succeeded in topping himself later that year, when the Wizards finally came to grips with the fact that they needed a full time babysitter to teach Kwame how to live. The first time the babysitter went to Brown's house she saw a pile of suits lying in the corner, must have been 30 or so of them, all brand new. When she asked Kwame why they were in the corner of the room she quickly found out that he did not know you could wash them and would simply buy a new suit every time he had to wear one. Again, I must really commend our public school system, especially in Georgia, Kwame's home state.

Finally there was the case of the birthday cake fight. On teammate Ronny Turiaf's birthday, Ronny, Kwame and other teammates were walking the streets of Hermosa Beach, CA celebrating. That is until a man carrying a 2X2 foot cake came walking up looking to take a picture with Turiaf. Brown saw this and came running up, snatching the cake from the innocent man and pelting it at his head. Kwame fled the scene but was later identified by the man, shocker the 7 foot 250 lb long corn rowed Brown was not able to blend into the crowd. Brown logically explained that he thought the cake was actually Turiaf's and that he intended to throw it at Ronny. I really am glad that this model citizen is one of the higher paid individuals in the world, it really does show that hard work really pays off. God Bless America.

Booze and redheads: That's what Coach Bombay does!!

Great news everyone, Ned's younger brother can now take your e-mails at Nedsyoungerbrother@gmail.com. Send questions, comments, or your meditations and contemplations. And please, don't sign Ned's younger brother up for pornographic websites, he already gets enough porno mail as it is.

Today I want to examine what many critics agree to be the greatest trilogy of our time. With the first installment referred to by many as the "perfect film," with all the cast members taking home those gold trophies. Many thought there would be no way that the second film could top it, what with the absence of so many crucial characters who never made it out of the first film, but sure enough it repeated the the gold. While the third installment was universally slammed as the worst, what can you really expect with the transition to a new head man.

Of course I am referring to the all time classic trilogy of "The Mighty Ducks." When I was a kid I used to watch this movie along with the sequel "D2: The Mighty Ducks" relentlessly. As someone who never grew up in a hockey town I fell in love with the sport. I wanted to be that pansy Adam Banks. I wanted to shoot as hard as Fulton Reed. I wanted to have a knuckle puck like Russ Tyler. I wanted to be a Duck! but as time went by and I got older, I began to realize just how ridiculous not only that idea was but also the whole trilogy really was.

Let's take a look at the premise behind the first movie. Emilio Estevez of "A Night at the Roxbury" fame ('Emilio, Emilio') gets into trouble with Johnny Law. What does he get in trouble for you might ask? Oh, nothing much, just drinking and driving. So part of his punishment by his boss is to coach pee-wee hockey and be driven around in a limo by some leather jacket wearing child molestor. Naturally, Coach Bombay hates the crop of kids he inherits to coach, and who wouldnt. Let's take a look at a few of them:

Peter
You might not remember Peter because sadly, he didn't make it to the second film. Maybe this was because he wanted more money, maybe it was because they wanted to bring on some superstars, but most likely it was because he was a little bitch who was a shitty hockey player. He was the short little kid with black hair who wore a leather jacket and belonged in the "My New Haircut" video more than he belonged on a Minnesota hockey team.










Averman
How this piece of shit made it to the second and third movies I have no idea. Did anyone ever think the Rob Schneider bit about making copies was funny? Apparently the writers of Mighty Ducks did because they pour it on heavily with their comic relief Averman. Seriously, how did this clown not catch more beatings? The two greatest honors in Rob Schneider's career have to be Averman imitating him constantly and having such a great friend like Adam Sandler who feels sorry for him so he casts him as a retard in his hit movies. Some of the characters he's played in the past could seriously double for members of the Ronald McDonald House. "I'm just like you only schlower"



Jesse and Terry






Sadly, producers felt that Terry was dead weight in the first movie, so they killed him off before the sequel. Sickle cell anemia really is an awful disease. However, I really feel bad for these guys. If only Kevin Garnett had come to the T-wolves a couple years earlier these kids would be tearing up the basketball courts in the Northwest and their father (thats not a typo, yet another reason this movie is unbelieveable) wouldn't have to work double shifts just to watch them lose repeatedly. Either way, Jesse plays the role of the hard ass black guy made famous by the dynamic character Ice Cube plays in Anadconda, Higher Learning, Friday, Boyz n the Hood, and Three Kings. There seriously are about 10 times during those heated locker room where I think that Jesse is either going to pull out a sawed off shot gun or have Adam Banks "bite the bench" for being a fucking "cake eater" Hawk.






Charlie aka "Captain Duck" aka "Captain Faggot"




When Bombay comes to the Ducks Charlie is nothing but a spaz hockey player desperately looking for some sort of father figure. When the movie ends Charlie is nothing but a spaz hockey player desperately looking for some sort of father figure. Sure he won the game against the Hawks with the luckiest triple deke of his life, but lets be honest, he shouldn't have even been taking that penalty shot. The only reason that he took it was because Bombay was trying to nail his Mom. Speaking of which, how ridiculous is it that Charlie, a white, is being raised by a single mother, while Jesse and Terry (blacks) are being raised by an over aggresive father who works overtime just so that they can play hockey. Yeah, pretty acurate portrayal of America. Anyway, there really is no mention of how Ms. Conway became a single mother, however if I were forced to guess I would say her ex-husband was definitely an abusive alcoholic. Thank god shes getting over him with Coach Bombay, he has no skeletons in his closet....oh wait nevermind, the whole reason he is coaching the Ducks is because of his drinking and driving. So, what does this mean? Ding, ding, ding, tell Ms. Conway what she's won Johnny! A new alcoholic abusive boyfriend!! Another sad case of battered wife's syndrom which as for some reason been glorified by Disney. You would have thought they would have tried to get their act together after that whole Beauty and the Beast fiasco.

Unfotunately, I've run out of time, check back tommorow for other pressing matters in which the world deals with daily.

Top 5 Animated Hotties

How often do you sit around hungover on a Saturday afternoon and come across an old animated Disney classic on TV and just admire how much the female lead character can catch it? If you're like me, then its pretty much every Saturday. Naturally the debate is spawned over which cartoon is the hottest. This debate is no doubt rough and it can ultimately end a lot of friendships. Luckily for you, I have decided to put all such debates to bed. Without further delay, here are the top 5 hottest Disney cartoon characters:

#5 Princess Jasmine: Aladdin
















Right off the bat you might ask, "Why is Jasmine so low on the list, she can catch it!" There is the pressing matter of a little thing called a "war" going on and if we were to draw sides there is no doubt in my mind that the Princess would be on the side that hates freedom. For all we know Jasmine could have at one time shacked up with Qusay or Uday Hussein and burned Iraqi soccer players with cigarrettes when they failed to win in the Olympics.

She also loses a lot of hot points by hooking up with Aladdin. Let's just state the facts:

1. Aladdin is homeless and a stealer.
2. It is a common practice to chop off hands of crooks in those days so that they had to eat with the same hand they wiped with AND as recently proven by a highly skilled stealer that I know, once a stealer, always a stealer, so its likely that somewhere along the way Aladdin lost his hand. Guess what other activities he might use that same hand for?
3. Aladdin's best friend is a monkey, and I'm not saying anything but when you're homeless you probably aren't getting a whole lot of action and all men do have needs.
4. Monkeys originated AIDS.

#4 Pocahontas








This was a tough one, I really considered putting Nala from the Lion King in this spot, however I couldn't pass on this Indian, especially with Cleveland doing so well and paying such great homage to the Native American culture.






Some positive hot points for Pocahontas: her singing voice was done by Vanessa Williams which is nothing but a positive (although she does contain some M-factor.) She's also an Indian, meaning she loves to get F'd up and gamble, which is awesome! However tragically, we all saw what happend to Helen Hunt's drunken mother living in Vegas in "Pay it Forward" and that is not hot at all.

3. Belle Beauty and the Beast

Belle presents an interesting case, although she is quite the striking lady however there are some serious issues that keep her from the #1 spot.

1. She is French, meaning that much like Jasmine, she hates freedom and her armpits more than likely resemble those of this ghastly man:







2. The movie is called Beauty and the Beast. Everyone knows that Walt Disney was a strong proponent of the Nazi party but is that really worse than Michael Eisner being into Beastiality? While we're on the subject, why would anyone ever want to get a Great Dane? Wouldn't you be scared that you would come home one day and it would be pounding your girlfriend? Either way I feel bad for the guy that the Beast becomes because you know the Beast tore that up without kissing Belle. Now once they kiss hes back to normal size and he gets to sleep with someone who might as well have just given birth to Mini-me from Austin Powers.

2. Ariel The Little Mermaid



It's pretty obvious that Ariel is hot, perhaps the only question is whether the drapes match the carpet, or if mermaids even have carpets. Not to mention the fact that she can't even talk! What a perfect woman!

Anyway there still remain a couple detractors to Ariel, and those are her "friends." I put that in quotes because every really hot girl has those guys that pretend to be her friends, warning her of A-hole guys but all the time wanting to nail her even though she is way out of their league. These "friends" are played by Flounder and Sebastian in this scenario.


Flounder is your typical fat friend who is hoping someday the hot girl will either see past all the good looking men and see that even though he is fat, he is the greatest, nicest guy there is or that she gets really, really drunk, horny and experimental. This is the type of guy that will cry inside anytime the hot girl calls him her BFF or says things like, "If only we weren't such great friends!"

Sebastian on the other hand is that Jamaican guy who acts all nice and tries to cheer up Ariel, but the second she swims away you know hes turning to his boys and saying, "You don't even know what I would do to punish that foiine booty!!" and "That girl has got to have some sister in her, dammmn!"

1. Jessica Rabbit

















I know, I know, shes not a Disney character, however she is just too hot to pass on for this list. I mean just look at her. I remember watching this movie at the age of 6 and falling in love with her and that love continues to this day. I still remember the first time I lost my hand virginity...Jessica was there. That hair over one eye is so sexy too.

Unfortunately, no one is perfect and she does have some trailer park to her. She was caught by Eddie Valient playing "paddy cake" with RK Maroon. Overall though, her positive assets outweigh the negative ones, therefore she's #1 in my book.

Lyla Garrity:Born Again Ho

Thanks for choosing to waste your time with my waste of time. Welcome to the first post by Ned's younger brother (we miss you champ...In your eyes, no light no heat, your eyes....)

For those of us who are avid fans of the tv show Friday Night Lights, we have met a great disappointment in this second season of the show. It has been incredibly hard to take a show seriously when it takes such a turn for hypocrisy like it has in the first two episodes.

One of the main story lines last year included the star quarterback getting paralyzed from the waist down and his girlfriend sleeping with his best friend while he recovered because she is that much of a whore and wanted more than just the occasional oral sesh from Street, the former qb.



If you look to the left you'll see the famous scene where Street is being scolded for trying to play the old "Switcharoo" with Lyla. She had just found out the hard way that he was not in fact fully recovered, and that although they are delicious and refreshing - firecracker popsicles do NOT double as sex toys. You really can't blame him though, he couldn't satisfy the whore so he had to try an unconventional method.



Let's sit back and juxtapose this storyline from last season with the new season. Granted NBC is trying to pump up female viewership by having more "OC" like story lines, but is it really worth it to lose your male (aka more important) viewers?? Anyway, this season, Lyla W. Garrity (the W stands for Whore in case you're slow on the uptake) has decided to become a born again Christian, which, if we were in the real world, would be just about as likely as Britney ever getting custody of her kids back. Now lets just be honest with ourselves, sadly Lyla W. never had a chance of breaking out of her genetic mold of sluttery. Let's examine someone who is near and dear to her persona...her father Buddy Garrity.



Just look at what a dirtbag this guy is, where are his eyes looking in this picture?? Stop checking out your 17 year old daughter's chest Buddy! No wonder his wife left him, I bet he insisted on giving Lyla a bath until she was 16 years old. "Come on Lyla, let me give you something that Street can't anymore." Oh and shocker, he had an affair with the mother of the other town whore last season.


Then, there is her mother. Granted she is playing the role of victim in the Garrity divorce, however that does not excuse her of having a new guy move in with her and her family just a couple months after Buddy moved out. This makes me start to believe that she had a little something on the side going when she and Buddy were still together. Because honestly, who would jump at the opportunity to be with a recently divorced mother of 3 with a psycho like Buddy Garrity most likely learing in your window nightly. Anyway, needless to say, much like the child of a crack whore living on the streets, Lyla Garrity never really had a fair shot at life, but that still does not excuse her behavior.

From the looks of things at the end of the second episode, Lyla W. will continue kneeling as she does at church, however when she looks up she won't be looking at the altar. Instead she'll be staring in the eyes of good old Tim Riggins.

Bottom line, if Lyla ever wants to make it out of Dillon and see the world, her best opportunity would probably be one of those hookers that live in the freight steerage like in season 2 of the Wire.