The Real Presidential Candidates

As I write this the final tallies are coming into for Super Tuesday, and pretty soon, we’ll probably know who are presidential candidates for the 2008 election are going to be. So, naturally, you would think that as a graduate of a prestigious Government undergraduate program, that I would be glued to the CNN watching to see what exactly would become of our country. Well you would be half right if you thought that. I am glued to the TV, however I am tuned into TBS for some sick repeats of The Office. I mean can you really blame me, it’s the one where they have the stripper. Anyway, I know that it really is sad, but its not like I’m not going to vote, fuck I’m even in a face book group for one of the candidates, because voting is the hip thing to do. But the point is, these fucking candidates just don’t do anything for me. Let’s take a look at the leading contenders:

Huckabee: This guy is just fucking nuts, he doesn’t believe in evolution and wants to get rid of all taxes, yet for some reason there are people out there that think he would become a great president. Who are these people, did they ever hear of a little thing called science? Oh and outlaw abortion, that sounds like a great idea. I’m sure that won’t cause an outcry by all the Pro-Choice people aka “Sluts who like it better without a condom.”

McCain: On the surface, McCain seems like a great candidate. Naval Academy graduate, conservative but not too far right wing, even to the point where there was talk that he would run on a bi-partisan ticket in 2004, and anti-Bush. However, along with that Naval Academy education came a nice extended stay in a POW camp. I’ve seen Deer Hunter, I know what goes on at those places. Honestly, what would it look like for this country if at a dinner with some East Asian president, the Asian president said some trigger word and McCain just went fucking apes hit running around screaming out Vietnamese words in a fit of rage that inevitably ends up crying, naked in the shower.

Obama: “Is this country ready for a Black president?” This thought provoking question was posed to me recently by some homeless man on the Metro. After trying unsuccessfully to plug my nose to avoid the smell of this waste of life, it got me to thinking. I could lie and say it took me a long time, but it did not take me long to figure out the answer. No. I mean to be honest, you can sit there in your fucking bubble and say, “Oh yeah, I’m color blind” or “Racism is a thing of the past” but come on its out there, the only difference is that people don’t talk about it. And once all those Middle Americans who are scared to death of Terrorism find out that his middle name is Hussein, well, they are going to be ready to label him as a member of Al Queda.

Hillary: As someone who doesn’t get periods, I’m not quite sure how this shit works exactly and the mood swings that occur. But, honestly, doesn’t this shit scare people? I mean, couldn’t you see Hillary in some meeting with foreign dignitaries while “riding the crimson tide” and have someone say something she doesn’t quite agree with, and her just snapping and screaming, “You just don’t understand me Belgium!!” and then giving some rant about how if Belgium really wants to hang out with the leaders of Switzerland and Germany, then he should. I mean maybe if she could prove that she’s been through menopause it might be a different story, but still, we’re not in any position to have her risking our nation just because some country’s Prime Minister is not that into her. Not to mention all the bear attacks on the White House which are no doubt inevitable.

Hopefully I was able to offend the last 3 female readers with that rant, but for all of you who are still on board, your probably saying, “So, Ned’s younger brother, if that is your real name, what the fuck do you suggest I do about it?” Funny you should ask, because I have got five great candidates, all in the mold of past presidents. So, while you sit there talking shit about my Country, just know that Ned’s Younger Brother is not going to sit on his haunches and wait for change, hes going to promote it.

#5 Detective Jimmy McNulty (John F. Kennedy)

If you don’t know who this is, shame on you, get a subscription to Netflix and start with the first season of “The Wire” it’s the best thing you will do this year, fuck make it a Lenten promise that you will finish the first two seasons before Good Friday. Anyways, McNulty, an Irish Catholic, is a man’s man. Drinks all the time, womanizer, fucking hilarious and untouchable because he is also a pretty fucking badass cop. JFK had a lot of these qualities as we saw with him banging Marilyn Monroe. McNulty believes in justice and to be honest with you, if I were fucking Al Queda I would pray that McNulty weren’t the next president.

#4 Kim Kardashian (Bill Clinton)

“This fucking no talent ass clown has no place on this list” you are probably saying. And I would tend to agree with you, but come on, something has to be said about someone who has literally no talent, and is only known for her sex tape with Ray Jay, and her engagement to Reggie Bush, having her own amazing TV show. In fact, it has been reported that some unnamed blogger might have seen a few too many episodes. But seriously, it has to take a lot of charisma to go from upscale Hollywood club slut to famous sex tape diva, much like an Arkansas governor’s rise to President back in the early ‘90’s. Not to mention their raging whorish sexual tendencies.


#3. Mr. Tuttle (Lyndon Johnson/Ronald Reagan)

If you are asking me who this is, you have another thing coming to you. Everyone knows that Mr. Tuttle was a teacher at Bayside High back in the early '90's and has since moved on to having heart attacks and pedophilia. Well, the second part of that sentence may or may not be true. Nevertheless, the former Driver's Ed and Glee Club instructor would make quite the candidate for the position. Being one of the few teachers at Bayside that actually respected Zack Morris, this Renaissance man not only was a favored teacher by the student body, but he was also the next in line to take over the role of Principal at Bayside, once Mr. Belding kicked it. This didnt' strike Belding at all and he and Tuttle often butted heads. Who could ever forget the time when both Belding and Tuttle were trying to leave the classroom at the same time only to get stuck in the door frame together in a moment that ranks up there as one of the most hilarious moments in the history of not only television, but in the history of time. The way Mr. Tuttle would stick up for himself unlike that bitch Ms. Bliss, who would just take it from Mr. Belding, was inspiring and his fortitude reminds me of Ronald Reagan screaming at that Russian with the AIDS lesion on his head, Gorbachev to take down that wall. A vote for Tuttle is a vote for a better Bayside, speaking of which the episode where Becky the goose dies in the oil spill was on last night, what a tear jerker.

#2: Larry Craig (James Buchanan, the only unmarried president)

I know what you are saying, "why do you have to pick on the gay guy?" Well you know what, you are being the homophobic bastard in this case because it is pretty obvious to me that this guy is not gay. Come on now, if you are a guy out there and even if you are a girl, tell me with a straight face that you have never had your stance accidentally get a little too wide and end up tapping the patron next to you. Who knew that this was the universal homo signal for anonymous gay bathroom stall oral sex. Not me. Obviously not Senator Craig. Believe you me, I come from a college with a notorious glory hole which was located in our Campus Center, I should know about this behavior. I mean, come on there were cold, lonely nights at William and Mary. But seriously, we did have a glory hole in one of our main buildings and it wasn't until the campus newspaper "The Flathat" (get it? we went to school in Colonial Williamsburg!!!) wrote an expose on the hole and the weekend activities surrounding it. At that point, Campus police decided they had had enough of the local erotic Boo Radley and cemented the hole. Back to the topic, Craig would make a great president because he has been able to fight through all this negative press and in my eyes has come out looking like a hero. And for those of you who still think he might be gay, might I remind you of the fact that Larry Craig is married and therefore it is impossible for him to be gay. If you don't believe me, I suggest you check out a little website called http://www.wikipedia.org/ and type in "marriage." The defense rests your honor.

#1. Hannah Montana (George W. Bush)

I want to ask you to think back to the 2004 election. Bush was going up against Kerry and the nation was entirely against Bush. The world was against Bush, they couldn't believe that we had elected him in 2000, and they couldn't believe that he was about to be elected again in 2004. I couldn't believe this shit either and really couldn't believe that anyone my age would ever support "W," but that was until I started checking the AIM profiles. Many would be in support of "anyone but Bush" but then you would check out those of the rich, white, girls from the South. Amazingly, girls of this persuasion would all inexplicably have a gigantic blue "W" in their profile. Are you kidding me? When pressed about this the ultimate conclusion would be that "My Daddy love W so I do too." Shocker that you would side with him since your Daddy is paying for all your Sorority formal dresses and Plan B pills. So who better to lead the young rich white snobs of this country than Hannah Montana herself. Honestly, the Hannah Montana concert is going for more money than tickets would if they were to reunite McCartney and Starr with a resurrected Harrison and Lennon who were put on strings as if they were in "Weekend at Bernie's" to sing "I Am the Walrus." Seriously, though, who doesn't love that hit song she has on the radio that sounds a lot like "I wear my sunglasses at night." If you tell me that you don't pump up the volume when that shit comes on the HOT morning Mess on HOT 99.5 and dance around on the way into work, then you are a fucking liar, and you deserve to wear a fucking Scarlet Letter just like that slut in that book.