I’m sorry.
I haven’t been there for you faithful readers all week long and it pains me as much as I’m sure as it pains you. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the past couple weeks, and I’m having a tough time deciding which movie the Redskins frantic run down the stretch of the regular season resembles, “The Sixth Man” or “Angels in the Outfield.“ On one hand “The Sixth Man” refers to their star player, Dwayne Wayne from “A Different World” dying, and coming back to help them win the NCAA Championship in basketball, however I really think “Angels in the Outfield” is more applicable. Couldn’t you just see Joe Gibbs having a conversation with that little faggot from “Third Rock from the Sun” about him seeing an angel helping the washed up quarterback Todd Collins, much like they did to Tony Danza? I could definitely see this shit. It would make sense too because everyone knows angels can’t help in playoff games. That’s why Collins fucked up so much. Let’s just hope that Todd Collins doesn’t face the same fate as Mel Clark, who we were informed died 3 months after the Angels made the playoffs in a cruel lesson to kids that they shouldn’t smoke.
Anyways, after much demand for a new entry from numerous readers, I have decided to bring on the NFC Championship edition of the blog. As many of you know, the Green Bay Packers and New York Football Giants are meeting this Sunday on the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field and no doubt you will be hearing a lot about Brett Favre, longtime record breaking quarterback of the Packers. This season he has shattered numerous quarterback records held by Dan “I fucked Ray Finkel” Marino. You’ll also be hearing quite a bit of talk about the heroic efforts that have propelled the Pack to be the favorite to be the NFC’s representative for the Super Bowl. Sure Brett Favre has put up some gaudy numbers and helped turn around a franchise which was headed for an Aaron Rogers era. Sure he’s an inspiration to every young quaterback coming out of a small town in the South. But let’s set things straight right now. Brett Favre is no fucking hero. He’s far from it. Why you might ask? Well let’s take a look at the top 5 reasons why Brett Favre is NOT a hero:
#5. Alltime interception leader
Sure, many of Dan Marino’s records have fallen this year, but no one ever talks about the fact that he set the biggest loser record of them all, the interceptions record. And guess who caught that record breaking interception? That’s right Sean Taylor. Honestly, I think things might have been a lot different for the Packers the past 15 years had they given a young quarterback from Washington a chance back in ‘94. Sure they won a Superbowl, but just imagine the dynasty had future Hall of Famer Mark Brunell would have led the Packers to had he just been given the opportunity. I’m not sure if you are aware, but Brunell holds a record of his own, and it does not involve completions to the other team. That’s right 22 straight completions to start the game. Eat that shit Favre. I’m just happy that Brunell will be entering the Hall as a member of the Redskins, thank you Packers for that shit, you can have your loser interception king.
#4. Awful Actor
Honestly, is there anyone out there that thinks they can’t do a better job than Brett Favre did in “There Something about Mary?” I mean seriously, was he high during that scene? Talk about bringing the movie to a screeching halt when he comes bouncing in the room with that fat retard on his back. “You are the only one for me, Mary.” Fucking please, I admit when I first saw that as a 14 year old I was going ape shit when he came out, but come on 14 year old me also got a boner from that old lady Magda‘s tittays, so that should give you some sort of indication of how poor he performed. You would think he would have some sort of charismatic quality to carry that one scene. Fuck, OJ Simpson was hilarious in Naked Gun and he fucking killed two people!
#3. Fucking Idiot
I mean how many ‘heroes’ do you know that can’t even pronounce their last name? I know, I know, you are thinking Helen Keller, but you are wrong. It‘s not her fault though, she was born with the fact that she was a woman.. Come on, honestly name a woman who was a hero? Amelia Earhardt? I don’t think getting lost flying a plane classifies you as a hero. Betsy Ross? Yeah, way to sew! “Sure she’s perpetuating the female stereotype, but she’s doing it for America! What a hero!” Anyways that’s besides the point, how the hell do you pronounce Favre “Farve?” Were his parents in-breds? I mean I know his grandparents were part Native American but that shouldn’t be an excuse. Is his family too proud to admit that they couldn’t spell on Brett’s birth certificate and just keep going like nothing happened? How has no one ever demanded answers to these questions? What kind of ‘hero’ hides from his past?? Come clean with it Brett,: admit your parents are in-breds who can’t spell and we’ll get off your back once and for all.
#2. Booze Hound and Drug Addict
How many of my heroes can I name who are addicted to both alcohol and drugs? One. My father. But seriously, what type of example is this guy setting for kids when he’s sitting there popping pills and washing them down with Brewskis. I have to be honest, I used to look up to Brett when I was younger and look what he’s done to me. Now, I’m forced into a lifestyle where every time I wake up in the morning I have to walk around my bedroom barefoot feeling for wet spots in places I may or may not have drunkenly peed in overnight. Just imagine if I weren’t the mature young man that I am, think of what Favre’s lessons could do to the world when placed in the wrong hands.
#1. Your Dad dying and your wife getting cancer does NOT mean you are a hero
This is the perhaps the most prolific reason that Brett Favre is elevated to hero status. Remember that Monday Night Game a couple years back the day after his Dad died and John Madden just about sucked Brett off from the booth talking about how he was the greatest quarterback ever just because his father had just died the night before. News flash, everyone’s Dad is going to die at some point. Hell, half of Favre’s teammates probably didn’t even have a Dad at all (the Black players) so why is Brett so special? Sure its sad that his Dad died, but that doesn’t mean he gets to be some sort of hero.
People also will allude to the fact that his wife survived breast cancer and it was so heroic how he was able to be with his wife as well as continue is football duties. It’s a fact that he and his wife are Roman Catholic. Another fact is that Brett and his wife were married in 1996, although they had a daughter together in 1989. Whaa???? How could that be? Could it be, no….did God punish Brett’s wife for having an out of wedlock aka “devil” baby?? And somehow this awful sin against God is greeted with the anointment of Brett Favre as a hero?? I don’t think so. Not on my watch.
Picks for the weekend:
Chargers + 14.5
Packers - 7.5
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