As I expressed in last week's blog, I am not very pleased with the work that Dan Snyder has done with your Washington Redskins. He's angered many Redskins fans and its even gotten to the point where if Snyder were assassinated, I don't think that many people would be all that upset. Now after much soul searching I've come up with an explanation for all of these awful actions which Snyder has inexplicably acted upon. These acts are so heinous in nature that there really is only one way to characterize him. Daniel Snyder is the Anti-Christ. Sure you're probably sitting there thinking that I am being a little too harsh on the owner of the greatest franschise in world history, but step back a minute and get the fuck out of the box you spend most of your life. Doesn't this all make sense? Isn't everything coming into place, don't you feel like an idiot just like the second time you watched "The Sixth Sense," that is unless you are a fucking genius like me and figured that shit out the second that Donnie Wahlberg shot Bruce Willis. Anyways, all signs point to the fact that the Danny is indeed the Anti-christ. Still don't believe me, lets check out the top 5 reasons why:
#5. He has run Six Flags into the ground
What used to be a fun hangout for PG County gangs has digressed into a poorly run and failing Amusement Park. Shockingly this has happend since the Son of Satan himself took ownership of the park. In all seriousness though, don't you feel sorry for Snyder at times. He seems like his generation's Michael Jackson, like he never had a childhood. One of his first football memories is probably the Redskins winning it all back in 1983, so of course he has to go to the extreme and actually buy the Redskins as his toy. His parents probably never let him go to Wild World growing up and God knows he didnt have any friends to cut school with and go, so again he goes to the extreme and fucking buys the park so he and his wife can shut down the park anytime they want to take their kids there. Even more proof of a lost childhood is his friendship with Tom Cruise, but we'll discuss that later.
#4. Vinny Cerrato is his right hand man
Through all of these ridiculous off season transpirings, one thing has remained clear, and that is as long as Daniel Snyder is around, Vinny Cerrato will have a job. For those of you who don't know, Vinny used to work for the 49ers during their glory years, however his role was not one of high power. He was relegated to working at ESPN with no one even giving him a sniff at another Front Office position. That is of course, until Daniel Snyder aka Beelzelbub, came knocking with an offer that Cerrato could not refuse. The deal included full control of personnel with unlimited resources in a role that would resemble a General Manager in every aspect save for the name. What would Cerrato have to give up in exchange for this positon....oh not much, only his fucking soul, much like a hooker does the first time she turns a trick. Since his hiring he has made some of the most idiotic moves in the history of sports such as giving up high draft picks for TJ Duckett and Brandon Lloyd, not to mention the astronomical and unnecessary contracts he has negotiated for players and coaches. No one in town likes Vinny, so of course what does Hitler Youth Daniel Snyder do, of course he gives him a promotion, I mean who could really blame him, I would too if someone gave me their soul.
#3. Snyder children are anti-Christs in training
When I first saw Snyder and his bride, I could only think of one thing, thats right - true love. Odds are that she and Danny were high school sweethearts and were married well before Snyder ever amassed any of his fortune. I mean for you girls out there reading this, who wouldn't fall hard for a 5'5'' nerd with horn rimmed glasses, a sick mustasche, and a nasty case of a Napoleon complex. Honestly, I know Snyder is worth billions but how can you ever respect yourself for marrying for money. I guess the same can be said for a guy who marries some Playboy model, the only difference is, guys have the ability of shutting their wife up with a swift jab to the temple. No one will ever say it but America was a much better place when domestic violence was acceptable. Thats right I said it. Suck on that shit, Betty Friedan!
Anyways, if you are like me and have seen the Devil's Advocate like 20 times, mainly for the nudity mind you, you know exactly what Snyder and his wife are doing. They came together (sick double entrendre) to create the ultimate devil child, and no I am not talking about a kid with AIDS....this time. Unfortunately for us, they were very sucessful in doing so and have 2 daughters aka Satan sluts, and one son who is better known as heir to Satan's throne. As painful as it is to have the Anti-Christ himself running the Redskins, just imagine what type of reign the new more powerful son of Satan will bring.
#2 His best friend is Tom Cruise
Honestly, Is Daniel Snyder living in the same world that we are? Of course not, he's the anti-christ. Just making sure you are paying attention. But seriously, at what point did Snyder decide, "You know what would be good for my image, being friends with a fucking lunatic and hanging out with him during games." My theory is this all boils down to that lost childhood we examined earlier. You know when he was a kid Snyder saw "Risky Business" and though Cruise was just the coolest and if only he could choreograph a slide across the floor in just his tighty whities perfectly, then maybe the neighborhood hooker wouldn't reject him like she always did. Interesting story about that, a friend of mine apparently was rejected by a hooker in Vegas, which places him in the very elite category as most pathetic human on Earth. But anyways, I digress. Do you think Snyder has just like this huge man crush on Cruise? I bet when he goes to the beach he wears nothing but blue jeans and dog tags. Do you think he has a mirror in his room for when hes getting frisky so he can stare into it just like Cruise did in Eyes Wide Shut? What do you think Snyder and Cruise even talk about when they are just hanging out? How much it sucks to be really short? What its like to raise their respective Satan Sluts (Suri of course being a Scientologist Satan Slut)? I just don't see what these two have in common, other than the fact that they both hate God.
#1 He has run the Redskins Franchise into the ground
"If you don't love the Redskins, you deserve to die" - God, "The Bible"
Sure Danny pretends to like the Redskins, by jumping up and down like a little school girl and screaming when they have a big play, but that is all show. You know what they say, The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn't exist. Thats exactly what Snyder is doing right here. There was a time where football in DC was a fun time. I remember as a youngling going to RFK to watch the Skins play and sitting on the lower level right next to the players. Of course I didn't pay for it because I come from a privileged childhood, but I don't think it was all that expensive. These days Snyder decides to test the allegience of die hard fans by charging outrageous prices for seats, parking, and beer and food. We as Skins fans will stand by anything that is put out on that field, but come on please don't treat us like idiots. It was common knowledge that Redskins fans stood behind one prospective head coach, Gregg Williams, who apparently told Snyder he would not be his little bitch Snyder didn't like this at all and announced that Williams would be fired. Knowing there would be such a negative response from the Redskins faithful, Snyder spread the rumor that Williams was talking shit about Joe Gibbs and that was the reason why he was fired. Which is just absolute bulshit. The truth is, Daniel Snyder has no football knowledge whatsoever, however has such an incredible Napoleon complex that he gets flashbacks of big mean football players in high school pushing him around and has to do it all himself.
Solution: Snyder can keep the team, even though he is the anti-Christ himself, if he can get someone who knows something about football to make all the football decisions. So Danny, if you are reading this, and I know you are, I will apologize for calling her two daughters under the age of 3 Satan sluts as long as you give power to make football decisions to someone other than your ass-puppet Vinny Cerrato. Sure you can keep charging people for their "stupidity" of being Redskins fans, but you will never be a hero in the city until you realize that we don't care how tall you are.
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