Rushing the Beta House

No doubt in this holiday season, you and yours have plopped in front of the television to watch reruns of movies from the early 2000’s on cable television. One such movie that my family recently enjoyed was American Wedding, the third installment of the American Pie series. I had wondered why USA decided that Christmas time would be a good time to play this glorious film, then I realized what was going on. This was another shameless attempt to drum up support for the new straight to video classic “American Pie: Beta House.” I’m so happy they decided to come out with the 6th installment of this great series. I mean, seriously, who else out there was wondering what the whole gang was up to after “Band Camp” and “The Naked Mile.” The great thing about having so many movies is that Eugene Levy will always have a steady job. Honestly, how many jokes can be made about Levy being old, Jewish, and awkward before they run out. And what the hell is he doing at the Beta House in the first place?? Does this not creep anyone else out?? I mean everyone had that old guy who used to hang around their house in college waiting for girls to get too drunk to realize their pubes were grey - at my house for example, that guy was my father. But that’s besides the point, what the hell is Eugene Levy doing at Beta House??? Is he trying to say that he used to be in the Beta House, if so there is no way that I would want to join that fraternity. What is the requirement for joining? Successfully completing a bris?? NO thank you! That is disgusting Levy, go lecture your son about the mistake he made by marrying that sexual deviant band freak.

Anyways, the point is, these sequels are getting out of hand. It was one thing to make American Wedding without Oz, but to keep making the movies with only Jim’s Dad? That is just an insult. Who out there is actually excited about this coming straight to video rather than the theatre? Teenage boys that’s who, you know why? Because they probably show a titty or two and it’s a lot easier to stroke it at home than at the movies. Trust me. If only Titanic had been released straight to video my Aunt and Uncle would probably still talk to me. Oh well, without further ado here are some other sequels which went way too far past their allowance.

Alien vs. Predator

I’m sorry to report that I did not see any of the sequels to these movies and I only watched a little bit of this travesty before I took a dump on the DVD. I mean honestly, when you first saw either the initial Alien or Predator you had to ask yourself, “You know what, here’s a kooky idea, what would happen if Alien fought Predator!?!?!” Of course you were shunned by your friends calling that too amazing to ever come true, but then one day the dream came true, in shitty sequel form. Shockingly, Sigourney Weaver or Arnold Schwarzenegger were not asked to reprise their roles in the new thriller, I guess the producer just thought they were past their primes, which really is a shame. How do you think characters who died in vain in the original feel as their legacy was trampled upon. I feel sorry for Carl Weathers, not only did he get his arm chopped off and killed in Predator, but he had to go down to Drago in Rocky IV only to have Rocky go on to fight that boxer with AIDS in Rocky V. Oh and good news Academy, Alien vs. Predator 2 is coming out soon! Move over Denzel, hello computer animated Alien!!!

Police Academy

I’m not quite sure if all 7 of these movies made it to the theaters, but for the sake of my faith in Americans, I’m going to assume that some of these went straight to video. Seriously, who would ever go to see Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow??? What were writers thinking? The cold war was over, but even if it wasn’t did they think that Americans would take pride in the fact that Steve Guttenberg was coming over to Russia to hit on women with his buddy who can make siren noises?? Sick trick Jonesy, but here’s an idea, how about using an actual siren or doing some actual police work instead of making pointless noises. Speaking of the Police Academy misfits, do you think that Tackleberry was really good for the Police force? All he ever wanted to do was shoot guns. How many guys do you think Tackleberry killed every year? I love how every time he fired out of turn everyone was just like “Tackleberry!!” followed by a shrug from Tackleberry and inevitably a slide whistle and laughter for all.

Home Alone

This series takes the same tactic as American Pie, knowing full well that the only people that will be viewing the third installment are ‘tards they replaced all the main characters with new characters hoping no one would be able to tell the difference. Well you know what, I’m not a fucking ‘tard! This series was just ridiculous, do you think that following the first couple Home Alones where Macauly Culkin gets left behind kind were purposely trying to be left behind by their parents just so they could have crazy adventures with robbers just like Kevin McCallister. I would say this definitely happened, only problem is their parents were probably not as awful and neglectful as Kevin’s parents. Why did these parents not go to jail? Instead, Kevin gains parental guidance from some old pedophile who chopped up his family and spreads their ashes on the snow and some homeless hooker bird lady who lives in Central Park. And how about those Wet/Sticky Bandits - these could be some of the dumbest fucking crooks that I have ever seen. The kid is 10, are you really going to be fooled by all his fun and games twice??

Anyways, American Pie is not the only series that is falling to the unfortunate awful sequel series, this needs to stop. Is it possible to have a little creativity in Hollywood or are we just too dumb as an American population that we’re not ready for change. If you have any other sequel series that are tired, put them in the comments.