Be my Office Valentine!!

Its that time of the year again, Valentines Day. A day made up by Hallmark to get men to buy flowers, cards, candy, dinner and go down on their wives. Sure tomorrow is going to be a big day people getting flowers, stuffed animals and maybe even (if I’m lucky) strip-o-grams in the office. What happens though if you haven’t met that special someone yet? Tomorrow could be a pretty rough day if you are single. People tell singles to look for prospective mates in bars, church groups, at the gym or though friends. However, one of the best places to find love is right where you are sitting right now…in the office place. Yes, it can be risky, but never fear, you have Ned’s younger brother to give you some direction and lead you to the glory land. Using any of the following techniques will ensure that you are the one getting the Strip-o-gram next year and not that homo from accounting.

• Give out valentines to everyone in the office making it obvious you are doing so, except for the ugly girl. When she asks why you are singling her out, let her know the truth. This will show all the good looking girls you are interested and reiterate the fact that God never intended for the ugly to be loved.
  
• Somehow convince a girl in your office to say “I like it when its hard” in any context. Then once she says it, roll your eyes back in your head, start moaning, cover your crotch, mutter “I gotta go,” and waddle to the bathroom.
  
• Schedule a meeting with your female coworker, in the subject line, just write “Your sweet Vag”
  
• Ask a female coworker to lunch in the cafeteria. Make sure you are seated in a position where you can see the rest of the cafeteria. As other females walk by, impress your lunch date by discussing what you would do to the other girls sexually given an opportunity.
  
• Send that special someone in your office an email disguised as some witty forward, possibly promising to contain funny pictures of President Bush. When she opens up the email, have it greet her with hardcore pornography. Follow up with a cube drop-in. With a huge grin, ask her if she liked the email. If she looks at you with a puzzled expression, simply keep grinning and motion for her to check out your raging boner. Give her a thumbs up.
  
• When your female coworker is not looking, peer your eyes over the top of your cube and stare at her making rhythmic smacking noises with your hands. When she spots you staring at her, continue smacking your hands but pretend you have a question for her. Midway through your nonsensical question let out an “OHH GODD” and politely ask if she has any tissues.
  
• If your office has some sort of happy hour during work hours, camp out by a female coworker and instead of quietly socializing like the rest of the office, try to get her wasted. If for some reason she doesn’t want to pound drinks at 4 o’clock on a Wednesday you may have to resort to GHB. Just crush it up and put it in her drink. Let time take its course, then give that young lass the time of her life after you carry her motionless body to the Men’s room. Brag to everyone the next day.
  
  Obviously, this is only a brief list of ways to snare that special office sweetheart. Please feel free to leave comments with any other tips or personal experiences!