Tarvaris vs. Todd

As I sat on my luxourious living room coach last night and watched the Vikings and the Bears duke it out in one of the shittiest games I have ever seen, I thought about the impending matchup the same Vikings would be having with my beloved Redskins would be having. This game on Sunday, which has already been recognized by NBC as the premiere matchup of the week, will pit two of the hottest teams in the league against each other. Honestly, after the past two weeks there is no team in the NFL that wants to seen the Redskins in the playoffs, especially the Patriots. The rest of the NFL has feared this for quite some time, and now the time has come. Thats right, I'm talking about Todd-time! Todd Collins and Todd Yoder have been resting up on the benches of about 7 different NFL teams the past 10 years, lurking and waiting for the perfect time to emerge as arguably the greatest QB to receiver tandem in the history of the NFL. The Giants knew this during Sunday nights game, thats why they intentionally tried to injure Yoder. Unbeknownst to them, Yoder is indestructible and therefore he will play this week.

Also formidible is the Vikings tandem of Tarvaris Jackson to Viscanthe Shancoe. This game is just going to be ridiculous! Who has the edge in this game? As the foremost authority on the subject I think that it will come down to the quarterback play. Jackson and Collins both know they will be suiting up on the same team come Pro Bowl time, however, this week they are mortal enemies. As an impartial columnist, I'll take a look at how these two QBs stack up against one another, both on the field and off.



Family

Todd Collins: Reputable father, in fact last Friday as his wife went into labor Collins put family first by leaving the team on Daniel Snyder's private jet to go up to Boston to be with his ailing wife as she delivered their child. No one would have blamed him, including his wife, had he decided to stay with the team, for it was his first start in 10 years, something he has been looking forward to for a long time, however Collins put family first and was still able to successfully lead the Redskins to victory in New York, a place they have only won twice this century. His heroics and family values are bar-none the best in the NFL, and quite possibly the country

Tarvaris Jackson: I don't really have the facts in front of me, but if I were a gambling man I would say he definitely has at least 3 kids out of wedlock by different women. He probably doesn't even know their names or give any child support even though he can afford it. He is such an awful father! I bet the women he probably knocked up have to go to shelters because they can't afford to support his children on their own. Seriously Tarvaris, get a grip on reality, just because you pull out doesn't mean you're not gonna get the girl you met at the club that night pregnant!




Edge: Collins


Intelligence


Todd Collins: Collins grew up in Walpole, Massachussettes rubbing shoulders with Ivy Leaguers, had he not been so gifted at Football, basketball and baseball, he probably would have gone to Harvard and been at the top of his class. We might even be referring to Todd as Senator Collins if he hadn't had such a passion and dedication to the gridiron and had it not been his destiny to lead the Washington Redskins to Super Bowl victory. As far as on the field intelligence, Collins hasn't thrown an interception in 10 years! That must be some sort of a record!



Tarvaris Jackson: He is just dumb as shit! According to his wikipedia page his score on the Wonderlic test (a test given to prospective NFL players at the NFL predraft scouting combine) was an 'X'!!! Can you believe that shit!?! He probably got every question wrong. Do you think his answers were so bad that the judges just had some fun with him and said, "The survey says..." and then some big fucking red 'X' came out of nowhere to let him know he was dumb as shit?? I think this definitely happend. Also, hes so dumb that he doesn't even pronounce his name right. He pronounces it Ta-varis, not the proper English pronunciation of Tar-varis. What a retard.


Edge: Collins


Collegiate Team


Todd Collins: Part of the long line in a tradition of excellence at quarterback at the University of Michigan, Todd Collins led the Big Blue to glory in his time as a starting quarterback there. One of his greatest victories came as Michigan knocked off perrenial powerhouse Notre Dame on a last second field goal. Many circles consider Collins to be the best Michigan quarterback of the past 20 years, ahead of Tom Brady, and I can't say I blame them. He was really breathtaking in that Maize and Blue.



Tarvaris Jackson: Well, Jackson started out at Arkansas, but then realized he sucked too much and lost his job to a white guy that now plays wide receiver for the Jags (Matt Jones.) So the loser that he is, he decided he would go beat up on some teams in D1-AA at Alabama State. Only problem was he was awful as a quarterback. His senior season they lost to Tuskeegee!! Can you believe that?!?! Isn't that the school where they poison the Black students, killing some of them for experimentation? And Jackson couldn't beat them?? Are you kidding me????

Edge: Collins

There you have it in an overwhelming 3-0 decision for Todd Collins. A couple weeks ago, I urged Joe to warm up the #8 car, looks like I was close, thank god we have that #15 car purring now!
Prediction for the rest of the season: We going to the Ship!!!!!