Only you can prevent Tim Tebow from winning the Heisman Trophy

It’s that time of year, and no I’m not talking about the time of year where you get wasted at your company’s Christmas party, do the Cha-Cha and then accidentally pee your pants. Granted that is already an inevitability for some, especially some prominent bloggers, but the real symbolic thing about this time of year is the annual awarding of the Heisman trophy to the nation’s top College Football player. Every year we go into this thing not having a doubt in the world at who the pick would be for the award and this year looks to be no different. Tim Tebow has broken countless records in only his Sophomore season and looks to be running away with it. But people forget that the true meaning of the Heisman trophy is to honor the greatest player in college football, not some ass clown butt pirate who can throw faggy jump passes for 2 yard scores and run quarter back sneaks for half his touchdowns. Just 3 weeks ago, there was another runaway favorite for the Heisman by the name of Dennis Dixon. I’ve had many a man crushes in my days, Cal Ripken Jr., Vince Vaughn, Johann Van der Sloot to name a few, however they all periled in comparison to what Dennis did for me this season. This guy was the most incredible player I’ve seen in a long time and he was the most valuable player for his team. Everyone had Oregon “going to the ship” aka what Blacks call the National Championship game, however the minute he went out with his injury they couldn’t move the ball at all and lost the rest of their games. The following list is a plea to the Heisman voters out there not to vote for Tim Tebow and his “system quarterback” stats, but rather recognize Dennis “the Jack-o-Lantern” Dixon for everything he’s done for me. Without further ado heres the top five reason Tim Tebow is a douchebag and does NOT deserve the Heisman:

5. Tim Tebow led Florida to 3 losses.

How many do you think Dixon lost when he was the starter? That’s right, one, and that was because some douchebag running back fumbled the ball at the one yard line against Cal with like 2 minutes left which would have tied the game. You know what would have happened had they tied it up, they would have gone to overtime and Dixon would have fucking dominated. Tebow lost to Auburn at home who lost to Mississippi St., who lost to South Carolina, who lost to Alabama, who lost to Louisiana Monroe. Are you going to sit there and tell me with a straight face that a man who in effect lost to one of the shittiest programs in college football history deserves to win the Heisman? Fuck you and all you stand for.

4. Tim Tebow wears Jorts


Are you fucking kidding me? Who wears fucking Jorts? I’ll tell you who homos! Is this the image you want for your Downtown Athletic Club Heisman voters? You’ve already let one homo into your group when you voted for Ricky Williams back in ’98, are you really prepared to have the alumni gatherings to begin looking like a party at “The Birdcage?” I didn’t think so. Honestly, how do Tebow’s teammates not give him a pounding every time he walks out of his apartment wearing those Jorts. And who is he trying to fool with that tattoo? Is that like some "come hither" signal for guys at a gay bar or something?



3. Tim Tebow was born in the Phillipines

Yeah, you didn’t know this shit did you? You thought Tebow was a pure bred American didn’t you? You were wrong, he’s nothing more than a dirty Oriental. I bet his mom worked in the fucking Rub ‘n Tug and his dad probably whored her out too. Come to think of it I bet Tebow was whored out to rich American businessmen looking for a new thrill when visiting the Phillipines. I just don’t see how you can vote for a guy who was once a child prostitute, but that’s just me. Seriously, there has never been a non American to win the Heisman, and hopefully, there never will be. Do you think his teammates are reading this right now and are about to turn on Tebow now they’ve found out this information just like Brendan Fraser’s teammates did in “School Ties” when they found out he was Jewish? I bet they are working on a banner right now with a banner of the Enola Gay and the words “Go home Chink” to hang above his bed in this dorm room right now.

2. Tim Tebow’s girlfriend is smoking hot, yet he doesn’t fuck her

Take a fucking look at those knockers baby, they are real and they are fantastic! Yeah, I guess if I were some poser American quarterback I could pull tail like that, but don’t worry, just like in “School Ties” once this girl finds out he’s nothing more than a liar she’ll break up with him and he’ll probably spend the next two years at Florida yanking his chain. Some say the reason he doesn’t fuck her is because he’s a hardcore Christian, but I think that whole religious thing is just a rouse to cover up the real problem, which has already been discussed, Tebow’s homoerotic tendencies. But yeah, as we’ve seen from “Brokeback Mountain,” hiding your queer choices doesn’t give you happiness, so Tebow should just come out and say hes getting it from his entire offensive line.

1. Tim Tebow was homeschooled.

What a loser right? Nobody ever liked those kids growing up with their hippie parents who thought it was better to learn shit about holistic medicine rather than evil “science.” Honestly, there was always something a little off with those kids, and now the Downtown athletic Department wants to make him a Heisman Trophy winner? What a disgrace! I mean look at “the Waterboy” he was homeschooled, turned out pretty well for him right? That motherfucker thought his Momma invented electricity and peed his “Deputy Dog” bedsheets, what a fucking retard! I just think it’s a fucking shame that we are about to anoint some retarded Oriental as our next Heisman trophy winner. If we really want to honor a retarded Oriental the line should start behind William Hung. That little retard has got all the guts in the world and I really admire him.

As you can see voters, who undoubtedly did a search for Tim Tebow and were directed to this site, Tebow can NOT be our next Heisman trophy winner. This honor must go to Dennis Dixon. Now, more than ever, we must show solidarity both as Americans and as non-retarded people.