Jesse Kotsapolis: Anatomy of a Loser

Its a crime. Its a damn shame. It fucking sucks.

Just three of the thoughts running through every reader's mind everytime they read a new posting on Ned's Younger Brother. I really can't believe it and it really shouldn't be tolerated. Why have I not addressed one of the greatest sitcoms of our time: Full House. Well I will tell you why, because Full House deserves more than some shitty blurb about how DJ's boyfriend Steve was a homo, but that shit would be too easy. Characters like these in the clusterfuck of a house deserve special attention. And perhaps the most deserving of attention is the one, the only, the Jesse Katsopolis. Uncle Jesse as he is best known to the public was notorious for having gay producers who obviously wanted to bang him - why else would the canned "screaming girls" button be pushed everytime he entered the room. Any way, Uncle Jesse was always portrayed as the really cool uncle who lived by no ones rules by his own. Motherfucker even owned a motorcycle at one point, can you believe that shit?? You probably though he was fucking awesome when you were younger too, didn't you? Tell the truth, after your first kiss you yelled "HAVE MERCY" did you....flamer. Anyways, the truth is that Uncle Jesse was not that cool, in fact he was a fucking loser. Before you fucking Jesse and the Rippers fans start going ape shit, wait until you've read the top 5 reasons why Uncle Jesse is a loser.

5. The Jesse Mullet

Remember that shit from the early years? When Uncle Jesse first moved into the house with Danny and the girls after Danny's wife, Jesse's sister, died. Uncle Jesse came in sporting a leather jacket and a nice mullet. There was business in the front, but there was a full on party in the back. And don't tell me that just because Uncle Joey had one too that its no big deal, because it is. Just because he eventually got a haircut then its ok, its not! Once a mulletman, always a fucking mulletman in my book.

4. Jesse is a quitter

What a fucking loser, this guy quit everything. Remember the episode where he quit riding his motorcycle. That guy from high school challegend him to jump from building to building on his bike and that little bitch wouldn't do it. That shit would have impressed a lot of bitches man! I can't believe he passed on that. One time in I had a similar opportunity to impress some chicks when I was wasted. You see, these bushes had been talking shit and I thought I would shut them up by diving on top of them. Did I grab the opportunity or did I slink away like a fucking coward just like Uncle Pussy? You better believe I jumped in those fucking bushes. A couple ripped pieces of clothing and a little blood later, I had impressed the shit out of those girls. Jesse also gave up on his dream to be a major rock star in order to settle down and provide for his family. What a fucking loser, instead of turning groupie bitches out and getting wasted all night he would rather write jingles with that faggot Dave Coulier and get turned down by Becky in Danny's attic because shes on the rag....what a joke that quitter's life became.

3. Jesse's kids are faggots

Little Alex and Nikki, what flamers, I mean seriously they live in a house with Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen and yet they are more intent on watching cartoons than running game?? What losers, I mean seriously, yeah so what they are cousins, but who gives a fuck, I was told by a very reliable source that inter-cousin breeding doesn't do any real damages, so seriously what are they waiting for?? And remember how fucking annoying they were, like the episode where they wouldn't play with any of the other kids in their play group? I think that they were gay for each other, seriously. I guess thats what happens when you sleep in the same room that your parents bang in.

2. Jesse "the provider" lived with his wife and kids in the Tanner house

What a wild fucking life this guy led, helping to raise a tub-O (DJ) an annoying Ug-Mo (Stephanie) and a coke-ho anhorexic in training (Michelle) not to metion Kimmy Gibler coming by. Speaking of Kimmy, what are the odds she is just a freak right now. You know she likes it in the butt - anyways, I digress. Wouldn't you think that Uncle Jesse would want to move out of the house to his own home once he got married? Nope instead he decided it would be much easier and cheaper to just live in the attic. I feel bad for the girls who had to hear the headboard thumping when Jesse and Becky were going at it in their infamous marathon seshes. This has got to be a major contributing factor to why The Olsen twins turned to crack and older men with one nut.

1. Jesse and the Ripper's "hit" was crap

Yeah Jesse and the Rippers made it on the MTV, whoop de fucking do, fucking Deion Sanders had a rap song on MTV one time too, who gives a fuck. Jesse probably sucked the producers off to get on too. Anyways, they finally made it with some slow song called "Forever" which just fucking blew. I mean seriously, I think "Ass and Titties" by the Three-6 Mafia lyricist has more talent that this ass clown check out these lyrics:

If every word I said

Could make you laugh

I'd talk forever

I asked the sky just what we had

It showed forever(together my love)

If the song I sing to you

Could fill your heart with joy

I'd sing forever(together my love)

Forever, forever

I've been so happy loving you

Thats pretty much the whole song, pretty fucking amazing isn't it? If thats all that it takes to make it big in the business than why aren't there more 7th grade poetry contest winners sippin' on Cristal in the club right now. Seriously, that shit is sad, I bet you are one of those people who loved that shit, fuck you are probably looking it up on iTunes right now, fucking loser.