Seattle Slew

If you had told me a month ago that I would be on the edge of my cubicle seat all week refreshing sports pages in hopes a new article praising how great the Redskins are would appear, I would have called you a liar. Honestly, the way things were going, what with the Redskins losing players left and right to hamstrings, knees, and death, there was no way in hell that they were going to pick up the pieces and make this miraculous run to the promised land of the playoffs. Can this team fulfill the prophecy of reuniting with the Pats in the super bowl, a la my October entry where we meet up with the Pats again? I would say definitely. Honestly, though how much is this situation playing out exactly like the move Hardball? Remember when G-Baby went down to a stray bullet and Keanu Reeves gave the eulogy telling of how G-Baby lead them to the victory in the 'ship? Sound familiar? It should because its basically the exact same thing that happened only this time it was Clinton Portis eulogizing Sean Taylor. How no news outlets have connected these two occurrences is well beyond me. Anyway, we have to take this shit one game at a time, and this week we are lining up against the Seattle Seahawks, champs of the NFC West, also known as the worst division in football. The Seahawks are one of the worst 10-6 teams in the history of the NFL and to be honest with you, the city they come from is one of the most overrated. Sure, there was that time in the mid-90's where Seattle was the hip place to be, but I got a news flash for you sister, I've been to Seattle and I can safely say it is one of the absolute worst cities I have ever been to. While Washington, DC is famous as the home of the free world, what is Seattle most famous for, thats right, the rainfall. Pretty nice to be able to hang your hat on the rain, must make you real proud. Anyway, what else can Seattle be proud of? Let's take a look at the top 5 things...

#5 Coffee

Thats right, Seattle is the birthplace of Starbucks, and thank god for that shit. Honestly, If I couldn't pay $4 for a cup of coffee I don't know what I would do with myself, I would probably just go ahead and pull a Cobain. But anyway, remember when drinking coffee in coffee houses was cool. I remember when I was younger and couldn't wait to drink some coffee because it was such a hip thing to do, just hang out in a coffee house all day and sip on a Latte, just like in "So I married and Axe Murderer" or "Friends." As time passed I quickly realized that those kids who were hanging out in coffee houses, perhaps enjoying a scone, discussing music and reading were not hip, they were losers. You remember those Emo kids from college that hated anything mainstream and would criticize anyone who happened to enjoy "Toxic" by Britney Spears every now and then. Yeah this fucking town is full of people like that, they can also be identified by their horn-rimmed glasses which are used to be able to identify other enlightened humans. Pretty sweet to be known as a coffee town though, because no other city in the nation has 100 Starbucks.

#4 Grunge Rock

This is another one of those things that the city is still holding onto from the early 90's. Sure Nirvana rocked hard when I was in 4th grade. Yeah, I used to head bang at middle school dances to Heart Shaped Box. Even today, I'm still up for a good old fashioned Mosh Pit when a certain cover band decides its time to play "Smells like Teen Spirit." But to be famous as a city because a group that decided it would put a naked baby swimming around a pool looking for a dollar on a fishing hook on their album cover, really is kind of sad. I mean come on, Good Charlotte is from the DC area but you don't hear Redskins fans bragging about how Joel Madden knocked up Nicole Richie. We have more important things to focus our attention on than some local sleazebag rocker, I mean seriously, I'm no detective but I think its pretty clear to see that the real reason Kurt Cobain killed himself wasn't because he was depressed, it was because he hated Seattle. Honestly, when you listen to songs like "Polly" or "All Apologies" the last thing you think is that the guy singing was depressed. Those are songs of joy and love.

#3 Niles and Frasier Crane

Don't even get me started on these homos. So Frasier decides to move from Boston, where he was known as the smart psychologist with the uptight bitch of a wife at Cheers to divorce and living with his father and his nanny in some apartment...hmm seems like a glimpse into the future life of Ned's younger brother, minus the smart psychologist part. Anywho, Seattle got famous from the introduction where Frasier sings about loving to add his own dressing to his tossed salad and they outline the word Frasier with the skyline of Seattle. I was never a huge fan of this show however I knew that their father was the shit and Frasier and Niles were pansies. So, so far we have emo bitches, dead grunge rockers and pansies representing the city. Pretty solid Seattle.

#2 Grey's Anatomy

If you are a girl and you haven't seen this show, chances are you are probably a dyke. Obviously, I'm not to proud to admit that I have even caught an episode or two of the critically acclaimed drama. But seriously, what is this show saying about the hospitals and patients of Seattle? Honestly, there should be a laugh track behind most of this show with some of the injuries that come into the hospital, which at first are hilarious, but then turn out to be deadly. For example, I saw one episode where E's girlfriend from the first season of Entourage comes into the ER with a pole lodged in between her and another guy. Its all fun and games at first, each of the victims trying to one up each other with a joke about their situation, I mean shit, the doctors even get into the fun with a couple jokes of their own, I seriously kept listening for a slide whistle after some of the cracks, but then things turn serious for the second half of the show as its revealed E's ex-girlfriend would have to die. This shit happens all the time in this hospital, and another thing, how would you feel if your surgeon was named "McDreamy" or "McSteamy" if that is their real name. Seattle must be especially proud that everyone that works in the hospital is just banging each other 24 hours a day. If I were to go into the hospital for brain surgery I would wake up all patched up only to find out I have Gonhorrea of the skull because the nurse McDreamy was banging while I was under told him at the last second she was off her birth control, so he had to dispose of the "evidence" elsewhere. Seriously, what a shitty hospital they work at, I am glad that we've got good old DC General here.

#1 Asians

Perhaps one of the most defining characteristics of Seattle is their proficiency of Asians. Shockingly they have a wider spread than Las Vegas or even Chinatown in DC. There are so many Asians in Seattle it really is unbelievable. Whats wrong with that you might say? Ummm, let me direct your attention to a little something called Pearl Harbor!! They got us when we were asleep. Who can fault us though, our leaders probably thought they were asleep though too, because well, they always look like they're sleeping. Whats worse is that all Asian people eat dogs. Why the hell are we locking up Michael Vick when he is a professed dog lover and do nothing to Ichiro even though he probably eats dogs 5 times a week. Another thing about Asians that is awful is that they think they are sooo smart just because they can make origami, yet they can barely even speak English. Some guy in my office is from China and he can barely put together a whole sentence without having some sort of HILARIOUS grammatical error. I'm like seriously dude, you're in America, now learn the fucking language. Honestly, if it were up to me, I would drop a bomb on Seattle just like we did in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. That way they would know that these colors don't run!

My prediction: Redskins 24, Seahawks:14

We want Dallas