Give me my stories!

Nothing is official yet so I’m not going to base this entire blog on the awful news that is going to be coming out of Redskins Park tomorrow morning. Jim Fassel? Are you kidding me Snyder? Not to mention your trump card of promoting Vinny Cerrato and hiring Rex Ryan and Jim Fucking Zorn as the offensive coordinator. Really? Is Jim Zorn, the quarterbacks coach for the Seahawks really the answer? “Well, we just love the work he’s done with Seneca Wallace over the past couple years, and Jason Campbell is a Black Quarterback, so what the hell, we’ll give it a shot!” Please Snyder, please get over your Napoleon complex and realize you don’t know shit about football and let a general manager do the football aspect of the business. Look at how the Wizards are doing without your fellow Jewish brethren Abe Pollin interfering and letting Ernie Grunfield run the show. If I were an anti-semetic man I might be prone to saying something to the effect of “The Redskins would be better off had Snyder’s grandparents died in Auschwitz” but I’m not anti-semetic so I’m just not going to stoop to the level of saying something like that, and anyone who thinks that is just wrong. Yeah, I’m talking to you, you fucking anti-semite. Open your eyes and stop acting so ignorant.

Anyways, nothing is definite yet, I’m still holding out hope that this is all smoke and mirrors and some amazing mystery candidate appears, maybe like a Don Shula? Word on the street is that there is an up and coming candidate about 2 hours South of DC by the name of Jimmye “my parents were the retards from the movie ‘The Other Sister’ and didn’t know how to spell ’Jimmy’” Laycocke. I just don’t know if he’ll be convinced to leave William and Mary. I don’t know, anyone but Fassel.

Sure, the Redskins situation is obviously bothering me. Sure it makes me angry enough that I’ve considered making a sign much like that in “School Ties” and posting it in front of Daniel Snyder’s house. But, you know what, at the end of the day I can resist these urges because you know what I have to take my thoughts away from these awful hate crimes? That’s right, my friends on television dramas and sitcoms. It’s been so great to see how Pam and Jim are able to deal with their office relationship. Not to mention how that slut redheaded doctor from “Grey’s Anatomy” has been able to deal with her own practice, but at the same time how she’s able to balance her busy schedule with her search for the Mr. Right that everyone knows she needs oh so badly. This new season of 24 is pretty fucking kickass too! What’s that? You don’t know what I’m talking about? Maybe that’s the because the FUCKING WRITERS ARE STILL ON FUCKING STRIKE!!! I realize the writers are the lifeblood behind all these shows and they are really getting screwed by the executives, but come on, can’t you guys just come to some sort of a compromise. There’s only so many times I can watch the Diwali episode of “The Office.” This shit has to end, and here are the top 5 reasons why:

#5 - Conan and Letterman need to shave those fucking beards

Sure its great that they have decided show solidarity and grow their beards out in support of the writers, but seriously they need to go. Sure this doesn’t sound like that big of a deal, but please understand where I am coming from. As a 25 year old man who still is unable to grow a beard and walk out in public without being arrested under the suspicion that I am an escaped pedophile, I feel as though Conan and Letterman are really rubbing this shit in. Yeah, its not a big deal, but the shit hurts man. Its fucking emasculating. I am not the night owl that I let on to be, so I haven’t actually been able to watch either of these shows, although I have to think they are pretty shitty. I would think that Conan is probably doing pretty well for himself because he seems like he does a lot of the writing for the show himself, but the Tonight show must just be fucking awful.

#4 - Three words: Monday Night RAW

I really can’t believe it myself, but this shit has actually happened. We’ve actually resorted to watching portions of WWE wrestling. You tell me with a straight face that you don’t get goose bumps when the lights go out and the gong goes wild as The Undertaker walks into the ring. If you don’t you are a liar or Heath Ledger (too soon?) I mean the great thing about this is that it doesn’t need writers because this shit is all real. For example, since I’ve tuned in I’ve learned that Vince McMahon has an illegitimate midget son name “Hornswaggle” who is Irish! See what I’m saying, you can’t make this shit up! What’s that you say, why am I watching this trash? Why don’t I just go read a book? Because I’m not a faggot, that’s why.

#3. Cable movies are awful

Sure it sounded like a great idea when we decided to throw down $150 to have the premium cable package with 10 HBO's, 2 Showtimes and shitloads of Encore channels. Sure all those channels were so amazing that we barely left the house, I mean honestly, what warm blooded American man would with Cathouse on demand. Sure the HBO original series are worth the price alone, but seriously, for all the money which we are throwing down, you would think that HBO would invest in some halfway decent movies, or at least a variety of movies. For example, HBO is trotting out their big movie premier this week of Epic Movie. You know its one of those movies that is just endless spoofs of recent movies much like the model of Scary Movie, only much much worse. Honestly, who out there is going to these movies so that they can keep getting made. Anyone who paid $10 to watch Date Movie in the theaters doesn't deserve to live. You are what is wrong with America. And who is out there greenlighting movies like "Meet the Spartans," better yet, who sat there while watching 300, one of the greatest movies of our time, and was just licking their chops thinking, "We are going to spoof the shit out of this!!" And then HBO just encourages them by forcing their paying customers to watch this shit. Not to mention all the other crap that they show. I swear, if Lady in the Water is on one more time I might just go "boom boom boom" on everyone.

#2. American Gladiators is back

This was just a genius move by NBC, why would you need writers when you can have reality competitons such as American Gladiators. Everyone loved the Gladiators 15 years ago when they beat the shit out of undersized competitors, and why would now be any different. So they built a new set, added some fog and light shows, and introduced HGH and voila, you have a hit! I really wonder if there are people out there who follow this closely and root for a particular Gladiator. I think the hottest thing about the female Gladiators is that they have probably taken so many steroids and testosterone that there is no possible way that they can get pregnant. No pulling out necessary = very sexy. Unfortunately, gentlemen, I read an article recently stating that nearly all of the original American Gladiator females were lesbians, which is by far the most shocking thing I have ever heard. I also love the way that Hulk Hogan has shown what a dynamic entertainer he is with his gripping interviews with the contestants. Talk about hard hitting journalism, hopefully he gets some recognition from the Pulitzer committee.

#1 Reality TV has taken over

Sure reality television was pretty cool when it first started to take off about 10 years ago with the original pure Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and the first Survivor. Of course I am a little biased since I acquired a disease from Colleen from Survivor. Of course I was 2 years old and the disease was chicken pox, but still it gives me a chance to drop a pretty sweet name. Anyways, times have changed, since Colleen left the island we've seen 10 more seasons of white trash Americans head off to Survivor Island. Reality game shows are in much worse shape. Just take a fucking look at the trash which is currently entertaining America. "Are you smarter than a fifth grader" proves once and for all, Americans are fucking retarded. How can you take yourself seriously if you sit there and try to beat these little elementary school faggots? This is not the worst though. If you have ever watched "1 versus 100" and screamed "MOB!!" at the screen, I hope you get cancer and die. I would also like to know how "Deal or No Deal" is still putting up huge numbers in the ratings. The sad part is that somewhere out there there is some idiot sitting there on the edge of his seat waiting for the banker to give his offer. Then once the banker lowballs the contestant the man stands up and yells, "FUCK YOU BANKER, THAT IS BULLSHIT!!!" I guess I just wish my father wouldn't scream on Christmas...