Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Give me my stories!

Nothing is official yet so I’m not going to base this entire blog on the awful news that is going to be coming out of Redskins Park tomorrow morning. Jim Fassel? Are you kidding me Snyder? Not to mention your trump card of promoting Vinny Cerrato and hiring Rex Ryan and Jim Fucking Zorn as the offensive coordinator. Really? Is Jim Zorn, the quarterbacks coach for the Seahawks really the answer? “Well, we just love the work he’s done with Seneca Wallace over the past couple years, and Jason Campbell is a Black Quarterback, so what the hell, we’ll give it a shot!” Please Snyder, please get over your Napoleon complex and realize you don’t know shit about football and let a general manager do the football aspect of the business. Look at how the Wizards are doing without your fellow Jewish brethren Abe Pollin interfering and letting Ernie Grunfield run the show. If I were an anti-semetic man I might be prone to saying something to the effect of “The Redskins would be better off had Snyder’s grandparents died in Auschwitz” but I’m not anti-semetic so I’m just not going to stoop to the level of saying something like that, and anyone who thinks that is just wrong. Yeah, I’m talking to you, you fucking anti-semite. Open your eyes and stop acting so ignorant.

Anyways, nothing is definite yet, I’m still holding out hope that this is all smoke and mirrors and some amazing mystery candidate appears, maybe like a Don Shula? Word on the street is that there is an up and coming candidate about 2 hours South of DC by the name of Jimmye “my parents were the retards from the movie ‘The Other Sister’ and didn’t know how to spell ’Jimmy’” Laycocke. I just don’t know if he’ll be convinced to leave William and Mary. I don’t know, anyone but Fassel.

Sure, the Redskins situation is obviously bothering me. Sure it makes me angry enough that I’ve considered making a sign much like that in “School Ties” and posting it in front of Daniel Snyder’s house. But, you know what, at the end of the day I can resist these urges because you know what I have to take my thoughts away from these awful hate crimes? That’s right, my friends on television dramas and sitcoms. It’s been so great to see how Pam and Jim are able to deal with their office relationship. Not to mention how that slut redheaded doctor from “Grey’s Anatomy” has been able to deal with her own practice, but at the same time how she’s able to balance her busy schedule with her search for the Mr. Right that everyone knows she needs oh so badly. This new season of 24 is pretty fucking kickass too! What’s that? You don’t know what I’m talking about? Maybe that’s the because the FUCKING WRITERS ARE STILL ON FUCKING STRIKE!!! I realize the writers are the lifeblood behind all these shows and they are really getting screwed by the executives, but come on, can’t you guys just come to some sort of a compromise. There’s only so many times I can watch the Diwali episode of “The Office.” This shit has to end, and here are the top 5 reasons why:

#5 - Conan and Letterman need to shave those fucking beards

Sure its great that they have decided show solidarity and grow their beards out in support of the writers, but seriously they need to go. Sure this doesn’t sound like that big of a deal, but please understand where I am coming from. As a 25 year old man who still is unable to grow a beard and walk out in public without being arrested under the suspicion that I am an escaped pedophile, I feel as though Conan and Letterman are really rubbing this shit in. Yeah, its not a big deal, but the shit hurts man. Its fucking emasculating. I am not the night owl that I let on to be, so I haven’t actually been able to watch either of these shows, although I have to think they are pretty shitty. I would think that Conan is probably doing pretty well for himself because he seems like he does a lot of the writing for the show himself, but the Tonight show must just be fucking awful.

#4 - Three words: Monday Night RAW

I really can’t believe it myself, but this shit has actually happened. We’ve actually resorted to watching portions of WWE wrestling. You tell me with a straight face that you don’t get goose bumps when the lights go out and the gong goes wild as The Undertaker walks into the ring. If you don’t you are a liar or Heath Ledger (too soon?) I mean the great thing about this is that it doesn’t need writers because this shit is all real. For example, since I’ve tuned in I’ve learned that Vince McMahon has an illegitimate midget son name “Hornswaggle” who is Irish! See what I’m saying, you can’t make this shit up! What’s that you say, why am I watching this trash? Why don’t I just go read a book? Because I’m not a faggot, that’s why.

#3. Cable movies are awful

Sure it sounded like a great idea when we decided to throw down $150 to have the premium cable package with 10 HBO's, 2 Showtimes and shitloads of Encore channels. Sure all those channels were so amazing that we barely left the house, I mean honestly, what warm blooded American man would with Cathouse on demand. Sure the HBO original series are worth the price alone, but seriously, for all the money which we are throwing down, you would think that HBO would invest in some halfway decent movies, or at least a variety of movies. For example, HBO is trotting out their big movie premier this week of Epic Movie. You know its one of those movies that is just endless spoofs of recent movies much like the model of Scary Movie, only much much worse. Honestly, who out there is going to these movies so that they can keep getting made. Anyone who paid $10 to watch Date Movie in the theaters doesn't deserve to live. You are what is wrong with America. And who is out there greenlighting movies like "Meet the Spartans," better yet, who sat there while watching 300, one of the greatest movies of our time, and was just licking their chops thinking, "We are going to spoof the shit out of this!!" And then HBO just encourages them by forcing their paying customers to watch this shit. Not to mention all the other crap that they show. I swear, if Lady in the Water is on one more time I might just go "boom boom boom" on everyone.

#2. American Gladiators is back

This was just a genius move by NBC, why would you need writers when you can have reality competitons such as American Gladiators. Everyone loved the Gladiators 15 years ago when they beat the shit out of undersized competitors, and why would now be any different. So they built a new set, added some fog and light shows, and introduced HGH and voila, you have a hit! I really wonder if there are people out there who follow this closely and root for a particular Gladiator. I think the hottest thing about the female Gladiators is that they have probably taken so many steroids and testosterone that there is no possible way that they can get pregnant. No pulling out necessary = very sexy. Unfortunately, gentlemen, I read an article recently stating that nearly all of the original American Gladiator females were lesbians, which is by far the most shocking thing I have ever heard. I also love the way that Hulk Hogan has shown what a dynamic entertainer he is with his gripping interviews with the contestants. Talk about hard hitting journalism, hopefully he gets some recognition from the Pulitzer committee.

#1 Reality TV has taken over

Sure reality television was pretty cool when it first started to take off about 10 years ago with the original pure Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and the first Survivor. Of course I am a little biased since I acquired a disease from Colleen from Survivor. Of course I was 2 years old and the disease was chicken pox, but still it gives me a chance to drop a pretty sweet name. Anyways, times have changed, since Colleen left the island we've seen 10 more seasons of white trash Americans head off to Survivor Island. Reality game shows are in much worse shape. Just take a fucking look at the trash which is currently entertaining America. "Are you smarter than a fifth grader" proves once and for all, Americans are fucking retarded. How can you take yourself seriously if you sit there and try to beat these little elementary school faggots? This is not the worst though. If you have ever watched "1 versus 100" and screamed "MOB!!" at the screen, I hope you get cancer and die. I would also like to know how "Deal or No Deal" is still putting up huge numbers in the ratings. The sad part is that somewhere out there there is some idiot sitting there on the edge of his seat waiting for the banker to give his offer. Then once the banker lowballs the contestant the man stands up and yells, "FUCK YOU BANKER, THAT IS BULLSHIT!!!" I guess I just wish my father wouldn't scream on Christmas...

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Brett Favre: American Hero? More like American Zero!

I’m sorry.

I haven’t been there for you faithful readers all week long and it pains me as much as I’m sure as it pains you. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the past couple weeks, and I’m having a tough time deciding which movie the Redskins frantic run down the stretch of the regular season resembles, “The Sixth Man” or “Angels in the Outfield.“ On one hand “The Sixth Man” refers to their star player, Dwayne Wayne from “A Different World” dying, and coming back to help them win the NCAA Championship in basketball, however I really think “Angels in the Outfield” is more applicable. Couldn’t you just see Joe Gibbs having a conversation with that little faggot from “Third Rock from the Sun” about him seeing an angel helping the washed up quarterback Todd Collins, much like they did to Tony Danza? I could definitely see this shit. It would make sense too because everyone knows angels can’t help in playoff games. That’s why Collins fucked up so much. Let’s just hope that Todd Collins doesn’t face the same fate as Mel Clark, who we were informed died 3 months after the Angels made the playoffs in a cruel lesson to kids that they shouldn’t smoke.

Anyways, after much demand for a new entry from numerous readers, I have decided to bring on the NFC Championship edition of the blog. As many of you know, the Green Bay Packers and New York Football Giants are meeting this Sunday on the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field and no doubt you will be hearing a lot about Brett Favre, longtime record breaking quarterback of the Packers. This season he has shattered numerous quarterback records held by Dan “I fucked Ray Finkel” Marino. You’ll also be hearing quite a bit of talk about the heroic efforts that have propelled the Pack to be the favorite to be the NFC’s representative for the Super Bowl. Sure Brett Favre has put up some gaudy numbers and helped turn around a franchise which was headed for an Aaron Rogers era. Sure he’s an inspiration to every young quaterback coming out of a small town in the South. But let’s set things straight right now. Brett Favre is no fucking hero. He’s far from it. Why you might ask? Well let’s take a look at the top 5 reasons why Brett Favre is NOT a hero:

#5. Alltime interception leader

Sure, many of Dan Marino’s records have fallen this year, but no one ever talks about the fact that he set the biggest loser record of them all, the interceptions record. And guess who caught that record breaking interception? That’s right Sean Taylor. Honestly, I think things might have been a lot different for the Packers the past 15 years had they given a young quarterback from Washington a chance back in ‘94. Sure they won a Superbowl, but just imagine the dynasty had future Hall of Famer Mark Brunell would have led the Packers to had he just been given the opportunity. I’m not sure if you are aware, but Brunell holds a record of his own, and it does not involve completions to the other team. That’s right 22 straight completions to start the game. Eat that shit Favre. I’m just happy that Brunell will be entering the Hall as a member of the Redskins, thank you Packers for that shit, you can have your loser interception king.

#4. Awful Actor

Honestly, is there anyone out there that thinks they can’t do a better job than Brett Favre did in “There Something about Mary?” I mean seriously, was he high during that scene? Talk about bringing the movie to a screeching halt when he comes bouncing in the room with that fat retard on his back. “You are the only one for me, Mary.” Fucking please, I admit when I first saw that as a 14 year old I was going ape shit when he came out, but come on 14 year old me also got a boner from that old lady Magda‘s tittays, so that should give you some sort of indication of how poor he performed. You would think he would have some sort of charismatic quality to carry that one scene. Fuck, OJ Simpson was hilarious in Naked Gun and he fucking killed two people!

#3. Fucking Idiot

I mean how many ‘heroes’ do you know that can’t even pronounce their last name? I know, I know, you are thinking Helen Keller, but you are wrong. It‘s not her fault though, she was born with the fact that she was a woman.. Come on, honestly name a woman who was a hero? Amelia Earhardt? I don’t think getting lost flying a plane classifies you as a hero. Betsy Ross? Yeah, way to sew! “Sure she’s perpetuating the female stereotype, but she’s doing it for America! What a hero!” Anyways that’s besides the point, how the hell do you pronounce Favre “Farve?” Were his parents in-breds? I mean I know his grandparents were part Native American but that shouldn’t be an excuse. Is his family too proud to admit that they couldn’t spell on Brett’s birth certificate and just keep going like nothing happened? How has no one ever demanded answers to these questions? What kind of ‘hero’ hides from his past?? Come clean with it Brett,: admit your parents are in-breds who can’t spell and we’ll get off your back once and for all.

#2. Booze Hound and Drug Addict

How many of my heroes can I name who are addicted to both alcohol and drugs? One. My father. But seriously, what type of example is this guy setting for kids when he’s sitting there popping pills and washing them down with Brewskis. I have to be honest, I used to look up to Brett when I was younger and look what he’s done to me. Now, I’m forced into a lifestyle where every time I wake up in the morning I have to walk around my bedroom barefoot feeling for wet spots in places I may or may not have drunkenly peed in overnight. Just imagine if I weren’t the mature young man that I am, think of what Favre’s lessons could do to the world when placed in the wrong hands.

#1. Your Dad dying and your wife getting cancer does NOT mean you are a hero

This is the perhaps the most prolific reason that Brett Favre is elevated to hero status. Remember that Monday Night Game a couple years back the day after his Dad died and John Madden just about sucked Brett off from the booth talking about how he was the greatest quarterback ever just because his father had just died the night before. News flash, everyone’s Dad is going to die at some point. Hell, half of Favre’s teammates probably didn’t even have a Dad at all (the Black players) so why is Brett so special? Sure its sad that his Dad died, but that doesn’t mean he gets to be some sort of hero.

People also will allude to the fact that his wife survived breast cancer and it was so heroic how he was able to be with his wife as well as continue is football duties. It’s a fact that he and his wife are Roman Catholic. Another fact is that Brett and his wife were married in 1996, although they had a daughter together in 1989. Whaa???? How could that be? Could it be, no….did God punish Brett’s wife for having an out of wedlock aka “devil” baby?? And somehow this awful sin against God is greeted with the anointment of Brett Favre as a hero?? I don’t think so. Not on my watch.

Picks for the weekend:
Chargers + 14.5
Packers - 7.5

Friday, January 4, 2008

Seattle Slew

If you had told me a month ago that I would be on the edge of my cubicle seat all week refreshing sports pages in hopes a new article praising how great the Redskins are would appear, I would have called you a liar. Honestly, the way things were going, what with the Redskins losing players left and right to hamstrings, knees, and death, there was no way in hell that they were going to pick up the pieces and make this miraculous run to the promised land of the playoffs. Can this team fulfill the prophecy of reuniting with the Pats in the super bowl, a la my October entry where we meet up with the Pats again? I would say definitely. Honestly, though how much is this situation playing out exactly like the move Hardball? Remember when G-Baby went down to a stray bullet and Keanu Reeves gave the eulogy telling of how G-Baby lead them to the victory in the 'ship? Sound familiar? It should because its basically the exact same thing that happened only this time it was Clinton Portis eulogizing Sean Taylor. How no news outlets have connected these two occurrences is well beyond me. Anyway, we have to take this shit one game at a time, and this week we are lining up against the Seattle Seahawks, champs of the NFC West, also known as the worst division in football. The Seahawks are one of the worst 10-6 teams in the history of the NFL and to be honest with you, the city they come from is one of the most overrated. Sure, there was that time in the mid-90's where Seattle was the hip place to be, but I got a news flash for you sister, I've been to Seattle and I can safely say it is one of the absolute worst cities I have ever been to. While Washington, DC is famous as the home of the free world, what is Seattle most famous for, thats right, the rainfall. Pretty nice to be able to hang your hat on the rain, must make you real proud. Anyway, what else can Seattle be proud of? Let's take a look at the top 5 things...

#5 Coffee

Thats right, Seattle is the birthplace of Starbucks, and thank god for that shit. Honestly, If I couldn't pay $4 for a cup of coffee I don't know what I would do with myself, I would probably just go ahead and pull a Cobain. But anyway, remember when drinking coffee in coffee houses was cool. I remember when I was younger and couldn't wait to drink some coffee because it was such a hip thing to do, just hang out in a coffee house all day and sip on a Latte, just like in "So I married and Axe Murderer" or "Friends." As time passed I quickly realized that those kids who were hanging out in coffee houses, perhaps enjoying a scone, discussing music and reading were not hip, they were losers. You remember those Emo kids from college that hated anything mainstream and would criticize anyone who happened to enjoy "Toxic" by Britney Spears every now and then. Yeah this fucking town is full of people like that, they can also be identified by their horn-rimmed glasses which are used to be able to identify other enlightened humans. Pretty sweet to be known as a coffee town though, because no other city in the nation has 100 Starbucks.

#4 Grunge Rock


This is another one of those things that the city is still holding onto from the early 90's. Sure Nirvana rocked hard when I was in 4th grade. Yeah, I used to head bang at middle school dances to Heart Shaped Box. Even today, I'm still up for a good old fashioned Mosh Pit when a certain cover band decides its time to play "Smells like Teen Spirit." But to be famous as a city because a group that decided it would put a naked baby swimming around a pool looking for a dollar on a fishing hook on their album cover, really is kind of sad. I mean come on, Good Charlotte is from the DC area but you don't hear Redskins fans bragging about how Joel Madden knocked up Nicole Richie. We have more important things to focus our attention on than some local sleazebag rocker, I mean seriously, I'm no detective but I think its pretty clear to see that the real reason Kurt Cobain killed himself wasn't because he was depressed, it was because he hated Seattle. Honestly, when you listen to songs like "Polly" or "All Apologies" the last thing you think is that the guy singing was depressed. Those are songs of joy and love.

#3 Niles and Frasier Crane


Don't even get me started on these homos. So Frasier decides to move from Boston, where he was known as the smart psychologist with the uptight bitch of a wife at Cheers to divorce and living with his father and his nanny in some apartment...hmm seems like a glimpse into the future life of Ned's younger brother, minus the smart psychologist part. Anywho, Seattle got famous from the introduction where Frasier sings about loving to add his own dressing to his tossed salad and they outline the word Frasier with the skyline of Seattle. I was never a huge fan of this show however I knew that their father was the shit and Frasier and Niles were pansies. So, so far we have emo bitches, dead grunge rockers and pansies representing the city. Pretty solid Seattle.

#2 Grey's Anatomy


If you are a girl and you haven't seen this show, chances are you are probably a dyke. Obviously, I'm not to proud to admit that I have even caught an episode or two of the critically acclaimed drama. But seriously, what is this show saying about the hospitals and patients of Seattle? Honestly, there should be a laugh track behind most of this show with some of the injuries that come into the hospital, which at first are hilarious, but then turn out to be deadly. For example, I saw one episode where E's girlfriend from the first season of Entourage comes into the ER with a pole lodged in between her and another guy. Its all fun and games at first, each of the victims trying to one up each other with a joke about their situation, I mean shit, the doctors even get into the fun with a couple jokes of their own, I seriously kept listening for a slide whistle after some of the cracks, but then things turn serious for the second half of the show as its revealed E's ex-girlfriend would have to die. This shit happens all the time in this hospital, and another thing, how would you feel if your surgeon was named "McDreamy" or "McSteamy" if that is their real name. Seattle must be especially proud that everyone that works in the hospital is just banging each other 24 hours a day. If I were to go into the hospital for brain surgery I would wake up all patched up only to find out I have Gonhorrea of the skull because the nurse McDreamy was banging while I was under told him at the last second she was off her birth control, so he had to dispose of the "evidence" elsewhere. Seriously, what a shitty hospital they work at, I am glad that we've got good old DC General here.

#1 Asians

Perhaps one of the most defining characteristics of Seattle is their proficiency of Asians. Shockingly they have a wider spread than Las Vegas or even Chinatown in DC. There are so many Asians in Seattle it really is unbelievable. Whats wrong with that you might say? Ummm, let me direct your attention to a little something called Pearl Harbor!! They got us when we were asleep. Who can fault us though, our leaders probably thought they were asleep though too, because well, they always look like they're sleeping. Whats worse is that all Asian people eat dogs. Why the hell are we locking up Michael Vick when he is a professed dog lover and do nothing to Ichiro even though he probably eats dogs 5 times a week. Another thing about Asians that is awful is that they think they are sooo smart just because they can make origami, yet they can barely even speak English. Some guy in my office is from China and he can barely put together a whole sentence without having some sort of HILARIOUS grammatical error. I'm like seriously dude, you're in America, now learn the fucking language. Honestly, if it were up to me, I would drop a bomb on Seattle just like we did in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. That way they would know that these colors don't run!

My prediction: Redskins 24, Seahawks:14

We want Dallas