I know, I know, it has been awhile since we last spoke. I believe I concluded my last entry saying I would get the top three reasons why Tila Tequila sucked to you next week and here we are about 7 months later and you still don’t know why she sucks. Let me save you the heartache and assure you that the top three reasons had something to do with her being a slut. So there you have it. Anyways, as you know this site is in homage to Ned, my older brother, who likes others who have died way, too young (Sean Taylor, Heath Ledger, that faggot kid in My Girl, etc.) his legacy will live on forever in our hearts.
Luckily for you readers, I again am doing absolutely no work and rather than working on my essays for Business school which are due in a couple days, I thought I would focus on something of much more importance. It’s something that plagues man, young and old, taunting us, restricting us, and laughing at us the entire time. They give me nightmares, as I know it does to my fellow mankind. Obviously, I’m referring to condoms. As we inaugurate our newly elected leader of the free world, this is my open plea. As your first act, I implore you to ban these hideous sperm-slaughtering sheaths, and let us rise up together to make pulling out America’s official method of birth control. And now, my five pronged justification for this movement:
It just doesn’t feel good
If you are like me, you do most of your banging with a girl you met at the bar 30 minutes before closing and whose name you know starts with a ‘J’ but you just aren’t quite sure of. Anyways, where I’m going with this is that you are drunk when it’s time to get to the pounding. In what can be described as both a blessing and a curse, I really don’t tend to get “whiskey dick” however there is an inevitable loss of feeling down below. Why in your right mind would anyone want to intensify that by putting a fucking balloon on down there? At this point it is all about her pleasure, and everyone can agree there is something seriously wrong with that. Honestly, most nights I would rather just beat off to computer porn than have to go through the effort of picking up some slut. Not only does it feel better, but your hand is not going to want you to give it a ride home or actually have a conversation with it in the morning.
Can’t play jokes on girls
Seriously, how awful would the explanation for the “Hidden Houdini” or “Jelly Donut” be if right after the line “pretend to cum on her back by spitting on it,” or “Punch that bitch in the face” you had to add in a line, “Then carefully remove your condom.”? See what I’m saying, the joke is not even that funny anymore, right?
Shit is unnatural
Do you really think God wants us putting a plastic baggy on to catch the seed just so we can flush it down the toilet/throw it in the trash/make a “special delivery" to your elderly neighbor’s mailbox? NO, he wants us to pullout. How do I know this? Uh, I because it’s in a little place called “The Bible,” ever heard of it? Fucking retard.
Fucking expensive
Have you seen how expensive condoms are recently? No seriously, I have no clue. That’s because it’s been a fucking long time since I’ve bought any. “But what happens if the girl you bring home insists?” That’s easy, it’s called improvisation. For example, say you bring home one of those control freaks who demands you wear a rubber even though you can remember her first AND last name and obviously you don’t have any. Do what I did, just run down to the kitchen, simply find your least full packet of Ritz crackers, and empty that shit out. Add a little bit of tape and Voila: homemade condom!
Unnecessary
Honestly, condoms should only be used as a last ditch effort in extreme circumstances. Like if the bitch has AIDs. There are so many safeguards these days against pregnancy it is ridiculous. If pullout doesn’t work, the girl’s birth control will. If somehow that doesn’t work, there is always Plan B and the abortion pill. If those don’t work there is a good old fashioned abortion. And even then there is still partial-birth! I mean come on, don’t you think it is selfish to ask us to have to wear fucking snow pants on our member? It really boils down to the laziness of the woman if you ask me. Also, everyone knows that the most fertile women are black teens, and News Flash, I don’t bang any black teenagers so I’m pretty sure I’m safe.
