A Shot at Herpes II

Remember me?

I apologize for not writing on this site for nearing 2 months now, and yes Barry Bonds, one might make the case that it has a lot to do with Ned's passing, some 28 years ago. However the real reason is that sadly, I have sold my soul to corporate America. I'll try to update this more often in the near future.

A lot has happend since we last visited. I bagged a 44 year old cougar with kids who were 20 and 18 years old. High point in my life to say the least. Every day I try to do something which would make my parents proud, and I'm pretty sure this one act covered me for the entire year. The good news is that 21 days from now I'll have another prime opportunity with the official opening of the Summer on Memorial Day at the beach. However, in the meantime, I would like to discuss something that I feel should be a major concern to all Americans. Something that threatens us every day as we go to sleep at night. Something that has terrorized Americans, young and old. Of course I am talking about none other than Tila Tequila. Here we go, with a long anticipated top 5 list, the top 5 reasons why you should hate Tila Tequila:

#5: Tila Tequila is not that hot

Come on guys, call me racist or whatever you want to call me, but Tila Tequila is not that hot at all. She looks like a fucking mouse and that is a fact. Not only is she not hot, but she is obviously also a whore. Sure Tequila is not her Christian last name (more on that later) but come on is she really looking to just be some second rate low budget hooker or what? I mean, shes not even fucking Spanish! Where the fuck does all this Tequila business come into play. Now for the sake of full disclosure I must point out that I have seen Shot of Love II a few times (Can anyone else believe she didn't find love the first time around!?!?) and I just love all the butch dykes that are one the show. Do they honestly think that they have a fucking chance with Tila? Sure there are the token hot lesbians who are pretending to be gay just so they can advance their modeling career, but then there are the hardcore carpet munchers with the fucking overalls and mustaches. They seriously have as much chance of winning Tila's heart as a Black girl ever has at winning the Bachelor. Which is something else that I think is hilarious. I love in all those reality shows when the Black girl is the first to get kicked off and the Bachelor/Bret Michaels inevitably states some bullshit that he just didn't have a strong connection with them. If I were the bachelor I would just hand them the honest truth, "I know they say you can't get AIDS by sharing a toilet seat, but they also thought the world was fucking flat for like a million years." But, I digress.

#4: Tila Tequila is not American

Call me crazy, but I'm old school. Either you're with us, or you're fucking against us. How do I draw my line, you ask? I would like to refer you to a good friend of mine, you might know him, his name is Bruce Springsteen. Springsteen once wrote a little diddy entitled "Born in the USA" and I live my life by it. You know who doesn't live by this ballad?Hitler, Kim Jong-Il, all of Africa, and oh, I don't know TILA TEQUILA! Shockingly Tila Tequila was not born with that name, in fact her real name is Thien Thanh Thi Nguyen, which I guess, if you speak terrorist kind of sounds like Tila Tequila. She was born in Singapore where her parents had moved to from Vietname, which naturally means that she has razor blades hidden in her vagina.

Look for the top 3 next week....let's go Wizards

Trail of Tears

It was the biggest game in the history of the program....and we choked. Last night, William and Mary, with a team comprised enought white guys to make Hitler proud, improbably was playing for their first ever trip to the NCAA Tournament. Apparently, William and Mary is not the basketball powerhouse most people take them to be. In fact, since the onset of the NCAA Tournament only 5 teams that were there since the beginning had not made it. Of course the Tribe was one of them. Seeing as how it looks like it might be another 300 years before the Tribe plays in another CAA Championship game you can imagine the bad taste that I had leaving the bar aka Tribe Nation viewing party aka one fat blond lady '89 alumni who tried to get us to cheer louder to which we responded that she should worry less about our cheering and more about how her disgusting obesity is making all her eHarmony dates stand her up. But the bad taste wasn't due to the loss, it was due more to the way we lost.

The MVP of the team is without a doubt Danny Sumner aka the only black guy on the team. If I were Coach Shaver, better known to his nieces and nephews as "Coach Pedophile," every time down the court I would have fed the Black guy and let him go to work. Instead we decided to let our 5'4'' team mascot jack threes all game long. Sure we were outmatched from an athletic perspective seeing as how Mason actually realized its not 1957 and colleges have actually been integrated, thus allowing for more than one Black player. Not to mention the influx of talent that is coming in since the Final Four run of 2006. About that run.....

Sure it was a great couple of weeks here in the DC back in '06 when the "Mason Nation" came out of the woodworks and for the first time were not embarassed they lived in their parents house and commuted to school because their grades were so shitty their college counselor advised them to save their application money on reach schools like JMU because there was just no chance. And now people are calling William and Mary fans bandwagon fans?? Sure our team has been shitty for the past, well, ever, but that doesn't mean I can't be proud of a school that has produced four presidents, soon to be 5 in 10 years once our good man RW. Ferg III turns 35 and is eligible. We've got entertainers, diplomats, astronauts, and writers, not to mention a little band by the name of, oh I don't know, SEVEN MARY THREE! What does Mason have? According to their Wikipedia page, which is never wrong, not much. One of their most famous alumni is Greg Nosal. Never heard of him, well I guess you're just not be up to date on all your Professional Foosball players.

Seriously, how can you brag about your college when Lincoln Tech was founded 10 years before Mason?? How sad is that? I remember growing up making fun of my brother saying he was to dumb to go anwyere but Lincoln Tech, turns out I probably should have been telling him he would be going to Mason with all the other retards too scared to leave the nest.

Anyways, great run William and Mary, I'll tell you who is happy that you lost: Everybody. William and Mary is the hottest team in the country and I'm pretty confident no one wanted to have any part of them in the tournament. Now heres a wacky idea for the offseason - recruit some fucking Black guys!

NYB = Asshole

Sorry about nothing new coming out recently, apparently so and so's boss wants so and so to focus on getting to work on time and actually doing work rather than sitting in so and so's cube giggling as so and so writes 2000 word essays about retarded babies. Never fear though, there will be a post soon, possibly tonight provided I don't get too drunk at happy hour, come home and start beating off in the mirror, which is a series of events I fondly refer to as a "Typical Weeknight." Anyways, I'm debating on whether I should release my boss's email address so fans can tell him to loosen up and make him realize that sure, losing the company about $30K last week was his fault, but its not like its his boss's money! I mean come on he still gets paid. Anyways, let me know if you guys think this is a good idea and I swear a new article will come soon and it will be worth the wait.