Thursday, April 2, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
Hats belong on Heads!
I know, I know, it has been awhile since we last spoke. I believe I concluded my last entry saying I would get the top three reasons why Tila Tequila sucked to you next week and here we are about 7 months later and you still don’t know why she sucks. Let me save you the heartache and assure you that the top three reasons had something to do with her being a slut. So there you have it. Anyways, as you know this site is in homage to Ned, my older brother, who likes others who have died way, too young (Sean Taylor, Heath Ledger, that faggot kid in My Girl, etc.) his legacy will live on forever in our hearts.
Luckily for you readers, I again am doing absolutely no work and rather than working on my essays for Business school which are due in a couple days, I thought I would focus on something of much more importance. It’s something that plagues man, young and old, taunting us, restricting us, and laughing at us the entire time. They give me nightmares, as I know it does to my fellow mankind. Obviously, I’m referring to condoms. As we inaugurate our newly elected leader of the free world, this is my open plea. As your first act, I implore you to ban these hideous sperm-slaughtering sheaths, and let us rise up together to make pulling out America’s official method of birth control. And now, my five pronged justification for this movement:
It just doesn’t feel good
If you are like me, you do most of your banging with a girl you met at the bar 30 minutes before closing and whose name you know starts with a ‘J’ but you just aren’t quite sure of. Anyways, where I’m going with this is that you are drunk when it’s time to get to the pounding. In what can be described as both a blessing and a curse, I really don’t tend to get “whiskey dick” however there is an inevitable loss of feeling down below. Why in your right mind would anyone want to intensify that by putting a fucking balloon on down there? At this point it is all about her pleasure, and everyone can agree there is something seriously wrong with that. Honestly, most nights I would rather just beat off to computer porn than have to go through the effort of picking up some slut. Not only does it feel better, but your hand is not going to want you to give it a ride home or actually have a conversation with it in the morning.
Can’t play jokes on girls
Seriously, how awful would the explanation for the “Hidden Houdini” or “Jelly Donut” be if right after the line “pretend to cum on her back by spitting on it,” or “Punch that bitch in the face” you had to add in a line, “Then carefully remove your condom.”? See what I’m saying, the joke is not even that funny anymore, right?
Shit is unnatural
Do you really think God wants us putting a plastic baggy on to catch the seed just so we can flush it down the toilet/throw it in the trash/make a “special delivery" to your elderly neighbor’s mailbox? NO, he wants us to pullout. How do I know this? Uh, I because it’s in a little place called “The Bible,” ever heard of it? Fucking retard.
Fucking expensive
Have you seen how expensive condoms are recently? No seriously, I have no clue. That’s because it’s been a fucking long time since I’ve bought any. “But what happens if the girl you bring home insists?” That’s easy, it’s called improvisation. For example, say you bring home one of those control freaks who demands you wear a rubber even though you can remember her first AND last name and obviously you don’t have any. Do what I did, just run down to the kitchen, simply find your least full packet of Ritz crackers, and empty that shit out. Add a little bit of tape and Voila: homemade condom!
Unnecessary
Honestly, condoms should only be used as a last ditch effort in extreme circumstances. Like if the bitch has AIDs. There are so many safeguards these days against pregnancy it is ridiculous. If pullout doesn’t work, the girl’s birth control will. If somehow that doesn’t work, there is always Plan B and the abortion pill. If those don’t work there is a good old fashioned abortion. And even then there is still partial-birth! I mean come on, don’t you think it is selfish to ask us to have to wear fucking snow pants on our member? It really boils down to the laziness of the woman if you ask me. Also, everyone knows that the most fertile women are black teens, and News Flash, I don’t bang any black teenagers so I’m pretty sure I’m safe.
Luckily for you readers, I again am doing absolutely no work and rather than working on my essays for Business school which are due in a couple days, I thought I would focus on something of much more importance. It’s something that plagues man, young and old, taunting us, restricting us, and laughing at us the entire time. They give me nightmares, as I know it does to my fellow mankind. Obviously, I’m referring to condoms. As we inaugurate our newly elected leader of the free world, this is my open plea. As your first act, I implore you to ban these hideous sperm-slaughtering sheaths, and let us rise up together to make pulling out America’s official method of birth control. And now, my five pronged justification for this movement:
It just doesn’t feel good
If you are like me, you do most of your banging with a girl you met at the bar 30 minutes before closing and whose name you know starts with a ‘J’ but you just aren’t quite sure of. Anyways, where I’m going with this is that you are drunk when it’s time to get to the pounding. In what can be described as both a blessing and a curse, I really don’t tend to get “whiskey dick” however there is an inevitable loss of feeling down below. Why in your right mind would anyone want to intensify that by putting a fucking balloon on down there? At this point it is all about her pleasure, and everyone can agree there is something seriously wrong with that. Honestly, most nights I would rather just beat off to computer porn than have to go through the effort of picking up some slut. Not only does it feel better, but your hand is not going to want you to give it a ride home or actually have a conversation with it in the morning.
Can’t play jokes on girls
Seriously, how awful would the explanation for the “Hidden Houdini” or “Jelly Donut” be if right after the line “pretend to cum on her back by spitting on it,” or “Punch that bitch in the face” you had to add in a line, “Then carefully remove your condom.”? See what I’m saying, the joke is not even that funny anymore, right?
Shit is unnatural
Do you really think God wants us putting a plastic baggy on to catch the seed just so we can flush it down the toilet/throw it in the trash/make a “special delivery" to your elderly neighbor’s mailbox? NO, he wants us to pullout. How do I know this? Uh, I because it’s in a little place called “The Bible,” ever heard of it? Fucking retard.
Fucking expensive
Have you seen how expensive condoms are recently? No seriously, I have no clue. That’s because it’s been a fucking long time since I’ve bought any. “But what happens if the girl you bring home insists?” That’s easy, it’s called improvisation. For example, say you bring home one of those control freaks who demands you wear a rubber even though you can remember her first AND last name and obviously you don’t have any. Do what I did, just run down to the kitchen, simply find your least full packet of Ritz crackers, and empty that shit out. Add a little bit of tape and Voila: homemade condom!
Unnecessary
Honestly, condoms should only be used as a last ditch effort in extreme circumstances. Like if the bitch has AIDs. There are so many safeguards these days against pregnancy it is ridiculous. If pullout doesn’t work, the girl’s birth control will. If somehow that doesn’t work, there is always Plan B and the abortion pill. If those don’t work there is a good old fashioned abortion. And even then there is still partial-birth! I mean come on, don’t you think it is selfish to ask us to have to wear fucking snow pants on our member? It really boils down to the laziness of the woman if you ask me. Also, everyone knows that the most fertile women are black teens, and News Flash, I don’t bang any black teenagers so I’m pretty sure I’m safe.
Friday, May 2, 2008
A Shot at Herpes II
Remember me?
I apologize for not writing on this site for nearing 2 months now, and yes Barry Bonds, one might make the case that it has a lot to do with Ned's passing, some 28 years ago. However the real reason is that sadly, I have sold my soul to corporate America. I'll try to update this more often in the near future.
A lot has happend since we last visited. I bagged a 44 year old cougar with kids who were 20 and 18 years old. High point in my life to say the least. Every day I try to do something which would make my parents proud, and I'm pretty sure this one act covered me for the entire year. The good news is that 21 days from now I'll have another prime opportunity with the official opening of the Summer on Memorial Day at the beach. However, in the meantime, I would like to discuss something that I feel should be a major concern to all Americans. Something that threatens us every day as we go to sleep at night. Something that has terrorized Americans, young and old. Of course I am talking about none other than Tila Tequila. Here we go, with a long anticipated top 5 list, the top 5 reasons why you should hate Tila Tequila:
#5: Tila Tequila is not that hot
Come on guys, call me racist or whatever you want to call me, but Tila Tequila is not that hot at all. She looks like a fucking mouse and that is a fact. Not only is she not hot, but she is obviously also a whore. Sure Tequila is not her Christian last name (more on that later) but come on is she really looking to just be some second rate low budget hooker or what? I mean, shes not even fucking Spanish! Where the fuck does all this Tequila business come into play. Now for the sake of full disclosure I must point out that I have seen Shot of Love II a few times (Can anyone else believe she didn't find love the first time around!?!?) and I just love all the butch dykes that are one the show. Do they honestly think that they have a fucking chance with Tila? Sure there are the token hot lesbians who are pretending to be gay just so they can advance their modeling career, but then there are the hardcore carpet munchers with the fucking overalls and mustaches. They seriously have as much chance of winning Tila's heart as a Black girl ever has at winning the Bachelor. Which is something else that I think is hilarious. I love in all those reality shows when the Black girl is the first to get kicked off and the Bachelor/Bret Michaels inevitably states some bullshit that he just didn't have a strong connection with them. If I were the bachelor I would just hand them the honest truth, "I know they say you can't get AIDS by sharing a toilet seat, but they also thought the world was fucking flat for like a million years." But, I digress.
#4: Tila Tequila is not American
Call me crazy, but I'm old school. Either you're with us, or you're fucking against us. How do I draw my line, you ask? I would like to refer you to a good friend of mine, you might know him, his name is Bruce Springsteen. Springsteen once wrote a little diddy entitled "Born in the USA" and I live my life by it. You know who doesn't live by this ballad?Hitler, Kim Jong-Il, all of Africa, and oh, I don't know TILA TEQUILA! Shockingly Tila Tequila was not born with that name, in fact her real name is Thien Thanh Thi Nguyen, which I guess, if you speak terrorist kind of sounds like Tila Tequila. She was born in Singapore where her parents had moved to from Vietname, which naturally means that she has razor blades hidden in her vagina.
Look for the top 3 next week....let's go Wizards
I apologize for not writing on this site for nearing 2 months now, and yes Barry Bonds, one might make the case that it has a lot to do with Ned's passing, some 28 years ago. However the real reason is that sadly, I have sold my soul to corporate America. I'll try to update this more often in the near future.
A lot has happend since we last visited. I bagged a 44 year old cougar with kids who were 20 and 18 years old. High point in my life to say the least. Every day I try to do something which would make my parents proud, and I'm pretty sure this one act covered me for the entire year. The good news is that 21 days from now I'll have another prime opportunity with the official opening of the Summer on Memorial Day at the beach. However, in the meantime, I would like to discuss something that I feel should be a major concern to all Americans. Something that threatens us every day as we go to sleep at night. Something that has terrorized Americans, young and old. Of course I am talking about none other than Tila Tequila. Here we go, with a long anticipated top 5 list, the top 5 reasons why you should hate Tila Tequila:
#5: Tila Tequila is not that hot
Come on guys, call me racist or whatever you want to call me, but Tila Tequila is not that hot at all. She looks like a fucking mouse and that is a fact. Not only is she not hot, but she is obviously also a whore. Sure Tequila is not her Christian last name (more on that later) but come on is she really looking to just be some second rate low budget hooker or what? I mean, shes not even fucking Spanish! Where the fuck does all this Tequila business come into play. Now for the sake of full disclosure I must point out that I have seen Shot of Love II a few times (Can anyone else believe she didn't find love the first time around!?!?) and I just love all the butch dykes that are one the show. Do they honestly think that they have a fucking chance with Tila? Sure there are the token hot lesbians who are pretending to be gay just so they can advance their modeling career, but then there are the hardcore carpet munchers with the fucking overalls and mustaches. They seriously have as much chance of winning Tila's heart as a Black girl ever has at winning the Bachelor. Which is something else that I think is hilarious. I love in all those reality shows when the Black girl is the first to get kicked off and the Bachelor/Bret Michaels inevitably states some bullshit that he just didn't have a strong connection with them. If I were the bachelor I would just hand them the honest truth, "I know they say you can't get AIDS by sharing a toilet seat, but they also thought the world was fucking flat for like a million years." But, I digress.
#4: Tila Tequila is not American
Call me crazy, but I'm old school. Either you're with us, or you're fucking against us. How do I draw my line, you ask? I would like to refer you to a good friend of mine, you might know him, his name is Bruce Springsteen. Springsteen once wrote a little diddy entitled "Born in the USA" and I live my life by it. You know who doesn't live by this ballad?Hitler, Kim Jong-Il, all of Africa, and oh, I don't know TILA TEQUILA! Shockingly Tila Tequila was not born with that name, in fact her real name is Thien Thanh Thi Nguyen, which I guess, if you speak terrorist kind of sounds like Tila Tequila. She was born in Singapore where her parents had moved to from Vietname, which naturally means that she has razor blades hidden in her vagina.
Look for the top 3 next week....let's go Wizards
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